


Gravity

by Jya



Series: One Way Up [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: American AU, Angst, Beware the triggers please, Cultureshock, Developing Relationship, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Homophobia, Host Family, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Insecurity, M/M, More angst, Oral Sex, Rejection, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Triggers, Underage Drinking, University
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-09-07 23:47:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 64,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8821132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jya/pseuds/Jya
Summary: Oikawa has never denied to himself or anyone else that he’s interested in men, but he quickly learns that the American world of sports is very different from the one he grew up in. He never imagined he’d find someone he might actually come to love in such a hostile environment, but life is never what you expect. Unfortunately, this person is so far into the closet that he appears to hardly know himself. Can Toru coax him out? Or is he just digging himself deeper into a hole of pain and heartbreak?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is kind of AU in terms of characters... I moved characters to different countries because I'm not a fan of overloading with OCs. I've written a couple of short fics that mention Oikawa moved to America to play after high school, so I decided to run with the idea. Enjoy!
> 
> I apologize in advance for typos/errors. There will definitely be some.

“Attention passengers, we will be starting our descent in about ten minutes time, so if you need to use the restrooms or stretch your legs, now would be a great time to do so before the captain turns the seat belt sign on.”

Toru rubbed at his eyes under his glasses, just barely awake. The plane was still dark around him, the glow of the sporadic reading lights loosely illuminating the background beneath his barely open eyelids. A quick calculation in his head told him it must be early in the morning, as his flight was set to arrive at 9am Pacific time. Taking a deep breath, he let his head fall back against the headrest and stretched out his stiff arms. There was nothing more uncomfortable than sleeping sitting up. In a very small seat. Without enough leg room. In a too-warm and smelly flying metal tube. He couldn’t wait to get his feet back on the ground.

But for now, the ground of the cabin would have to do, and he clumsily reached beneath the seat in front of him and pulled out the small black pouch containing his toiletries. He dragged his water bottle with him, standing up and giving his legs a moment to adjust to their new position. He was terribly stiff, and would no doubt be sore for the rest of the day.

Walking down the aisle of the plane, he found a couple of people standing in line next to the pair of washrooms at the back of the plane. He lazily leaned against an empty seat, chewing the stale taste of sleep out of his mouth while attempting to work out some of the kinks in his neck and right shoulder. He must have slept with his head in a strange position. He’d always wondered if it would be rude to wake someone sleeping next to him to warn them that they would likely be in a decent amount of pain when they woke up if they remained in that position for long. He’d never had the guts to do it, but part of him wished his neighbor had been so courteous.

When it was finally his turn in the washroom, he made use of the toilet before washing his hands and brushing his teeth with the water bottle he’d brought with him. He’d been on enough planes to remember the ‘non-potable water’ signs all over the washrooms. Finally he slipped his glasses into their case and popped his contact lenses back into his protesting eyes before exiting the tiny cubicle. His eyes burned all the way back to the seat, and he wondered if he’d really gotten any sleep at all.

As the seat belt sign lit up, Toru felt his heart beat quicken. Of course this had nothing to do with the impending landing. He’d spent plenty of time on planes before, and in fact landing was his favourite part next to taking off. It was what landing meant.

A new country.

A new home.

A new school.

A new family.

A new world.

For better or worse.

He liked to think it would be for better. He wouldn’t have accepted the offer to come here if he’d thought otherwise. The school’s volleyball team was considered to be one of the best in the country, it’s training program world-renowned. He would have been insane to pass up the opportunity. Very few players on earth got invited to this kind of prestigious program. And yet leaving everything behind had been difficult to say the least. He had been planning to attend the University of Tokyo, which was easily the best option in Japan. But this was the USA, the sports capital of the world. Most people might think it ridiculous to pour as much money and funding into athletics as they did, but it showed on the world stage, and to Toru it meant a brighter future and a greater chance to accomplish his own dream.

So here he was, landing in an entirely foreign country, about to meet his host family and ready to start school the next day. He’d really pushed his arrival date to the absolute last minute, wanting to spend as much time at home as possible. He doubted he’d even be close to over the jet lag by the time classes started.

“Welcome to California,” the voice began, this time in English first rather than Japanese, despite the airliner’s Japanese heritage.

He tuned out the announcement, his anxiety levels increasing.

English. That might be the part that scared him the most next to leaving everyone he knew behind. Sure he’d studied the language for years like everyone else, and he was alright at it, but to be dropped into a city that knew nothing of his own culture or language scared the crap out of him. School was one thing, since he’d be taking several ESL classes designed for international students, but everyday life posed a major threat in his mind. What if he didn’t know how to say something or ask for something or explain something? What if he got lost and couldn’t ask for directions?

He knew he was just nervous. He had a translator on his phone, and he really did have a decent grasp on the language. Taking a deep breath, he attempted to calm himself down.

“Landings are pretty scary, hey?” The man beside him asked, in Japanese.

“Yeah,” he said in response, not wanting to elaborate. It was a shot to his pride, but he really didn’t care. After a few more minutes he’d never see this man again. Besides, as far as he was concerned, this was the man responsible for his sore neck for having not woken him up. He turned his attention to his cell phone, which was now powering on.

**Iwaizumi: Text me when you get there**

**Iwaizumi: Hey did you make it?**

**Iwaizumi: Shittykawa are you alive?**

He smiled at his friend’s messages, then typed his own response, indicating that he’d just landed. He had another message from his mom, to which he quickly replied as people around him began to stand up, gathering their belongings.

Toru followed suit, collecting his brown satchel and his navy leather jacket, zipping it up to his chin despite the hot air still being recycled throughout the cabin. He checked to make sure all his bags were zipped up, then waited, leaning on his seat until it was finally his turn to move.

He could feel his heart racing all the way off the plane and through the airport. He half expected the customs guard to accuse him of being a terrorist due to his inability to answer the questions, which had nothing to do with the language barrier. He was simply too nervous to answer properly. Finally he made it to the baggage carousel, half hoping that his bag would come off last so he would have more time to collect himself. He could feel himself sweating and he had no doubt that his face was red. His hair was probably a mess too, but for once, that was the least of his worries.

His luggage actually came out quickly, though he let it glide around the room on the carousel once before actually retrieving it, but only because it was extremely crowded. Or so he told himself.

His pocket vibrated again, and looking for any excuse to slow down, he retrieved it and tapped the screen.

**Iwaizumi: I know you’re probably losing your shit right now**

**Iwaizumi: So chill the fuck out!**

He smiled, pocketing his phone. He took a deep breath and carried on toward the exit sign. He knew his host parents would be waiting here, as they’d sent him an email indicating such. He didn’t know much about them aside from that the couple had a son the same age as him, starting at the same university as him. This had comforted him slightly, knowing that while the son was obviously still in his home city, he would at least be starting at a new school as well, and would be able to relate on that level.

As he approached the exit gate, he slowed, glancing around and over people to try to catch sight of his new host family. He had only seen one photograph of them, and he was now mentally kicking himself for not studying it further. How was he going to find them? But as the crowd forced him forward, he was relieved to see a sign with his given name written on it. That was going to take some getting used to; Americans all went by their given names, and it was completely normal and respectful to use them. He had read that it was in fact rude to call someone by their surname, and it really only happened between athletes.

Shaking his head, he glanced up from the sign to see two men and a woman just in time for them to spot him. The mother was the first to see him, and she quickly made eye contact, cautiously waving, in case she was mistaken. He felt the corners of his mouth twitch into a smile, and she immediately began frantically waving to him, shaking her son’s arm as she pointed directly at him.

Toru felt the smile begin to fade from his lips as he took in the son’s appearance. He was tall, blonde and wore glasses on his sullen, unamused face. He looked as though he would rather be anywhere but there, and Toru immediately had a bad feeling about him.

But he quickly forced himself to remain cheerful, as he shifted his gaze to the tall man that must be his host father. He looked warm and compassionate, his arm draped around his wife’s shoulders.

“Toru!” The woman cried. “You made it!” She pulled him into an awkward hug over top of the bar still separating him from the crowd of people waiting to welcome their friends and family.

“Hi, sorry I’m late,” he said as he returned the hug clumsily with all his luggage still in his hands.

“It’s wonderful to meet you,” she said, pulling away from him. “I’m Teri, and this is my husband Ken and my son Kei,” she said. “But why don’t you come around and we’ll get out of here!”

He could still feel his pulse thundering through his body, anxiety coursing through his veins as he made his way around the railing.

His host father said something too quickly in English for him to understand before taking the heavy suitcase from him and leading the family out of the congested terminal.

The sun had come up since his flight had landed, but the sky was still dark and gloomy, the grey clouds threatening rain. The family was awkwardly quiet on the walk to the car, which was parked in a large multilevel parkade. The conversation finally picked up when the climbed into the white Ford SUV.

“So how was your flight?” Teri asked as he buckled his seat belt. It felt weird seeing Ken on left side of the car. Everything here was so backwards.

“It was good. Long, but good,” he said quietly.

“Did you sleep?” She asked.

“A bit.” In all honesty he wasn’t sure if that was true. He’d drifted in and out a bit, but he wasn’t sure if he’d ever actually fallen asleep.

They gave him a bit of a tour on the drive him, pointing out important landmarks and placed the family dined at or visited often. He attempted to make a mental picture in his head so he’d have some bearing of the city, but they’d turned too many corners and taken too many loops for him to really grasp anything. It didn’t help that he was completely exhausted.

“There’s our house,” Teri said, pointing at the large white house at the end of the street. Even in the rain it was easy to see that the house was beautiful and well kept. It stood two stories high and had tall vaulted ceilings with a crystal chandelier hanging in the triangular window at the highest point of the house. The brick driveway and landscaping were immaculate; all the right plants perfectly trimmed and groomed to be the appropriate height. The display looked as though it belonged somewhere in a homes calendar.

“Welcome home,” Teri said as the car pulled into the garage. They parked next to a second car, this one a gold family sized sedan. Further over was a black sports car that looked a little older than the other two. Toru suspected that this was probably Kei’s car.

“Let’s get you settled in and then we’ll make some breakfast. I bet you’re starving,” Teri said warmly.

“Thanks,” Toru replied. He knew he should be hungry, but somehow he didn’t have much of an appetite. Maybe it was just nerves, but it seemed that anytime he was any kind of stressed, his appetite was the first thing to disappear.

“Kei, can you give him a tour of the house while I go put his suitcase upstairs?” Ken asked.

“Fine,” he sighed, his reluctance painfully obvious.

The first thing Toru noticed aside from the fact that the house was as beautiful on the inside as it was out, was that it was cold. Unnaturally cold. He refrained from removing his jacket along with his shoes as he followed Kei down the stairs.

“Alright listen,” Kei said with some serious intensity in his eyes, catching Toru completely off guard. “What I’m about to tell you is very important. I don’t know how good your English is, so stop me if you don’t understand, got it?”

Toru simply nodded, biting his lower lip anxiously.

“You and I are not friends. We are not brothers, nor are we family. I was against this whole hosting thing from the start, but my parents insisted. Just stay out of my way, and everything will be fine. Understand?”

Toru was about to respond and attempt to be friendly, but the look on Kei’s face stopped him. “Sure,” Toru said, trying to hide the disappointment in his voice.

“Good. Now let’s get this tour over with.”

Toru only loosely listened to what Kei said as he showed him around the house. He caught the purpose of each room, but didn’t bother to mentally translate anything else Kei said. The tour ended on the top floor in Toru’s bedroom. The room was spacious with hardwood floors and a large queen sized bed in the middle of the room. Aside from a closet, a desk and a dresser, the room was completely bare. The walls were naked, the duvet cover on the bed was plain white, and the drapes on the window were plain white. He could hardly complain, as he was being offered a place to live, but the room just felt very cold and unwelcoming.

Kei left him there without a word, and Toru hesitantly took a seat on the bed, pulling the strap of his bag over his head and placing it beside him. At least the bed felt soft. He wanted nothing more than to just curl up and go to sleep in it right now.

“Kei gave you the tour,” Teri asked, arriving in the doorway.

“Yes,” Toru said simply.

“Oh, this is Rasmus,” she said as a black and white cat stuck its head in the door. “She’s kind of antisocial, so don’t feel bad if she doesn’t like you,” she laughed. “Did you want to come down for some breakfast?”

“Ok,” Toru said, despite the fact that he wasn’t hungry and he would really rather just be left alone right now. His head was spinning and he was exhausted, not to mention the headache that had taken over the in the last few minutes. But he knew he needed to make an effort to interact with these people, even if one of three already hated him.

So he followed Teri downstairs, the cat darting away from him as he passed her. Kei was seated at the kitchen table, and Ken was standing over the stove with a large skillet filled with eggs. He awkwardly looked at the table, wondering which of the four seats would be unoccupied.

“Are you a coffee drinker, son?” Ken asked him.

“Yes,” Toru replied.

“Cream and sugar?”

“No thank you.”

“Good man. Coffee is meant to be consumed black, not loaded with sugar like how Kei makes it,” Ken said, placing the black coffee at the seat across from Kei, which was Toru’s signal to sit down. He glanced up from the cup to find Kei glaring at him.

“Thank you,” he quickly murmured to Ken, returning his attention to his coffee.

“So you boys have your orientation tomorrow, right?”

“Yep,” Kei said, his attention fully on his phone now.

“I actually have to miss it,” Toru said. “We have our first practice tomorrow morning.”

“That’s ok, Kei can show you around after,” Ken said.

Kei glanced up from his phone and shot Toru a glance that told him how unlikely that was. But he didn’t care. He’d find his way around. Perhaps some of the volleyball team would be able to give him a hand as well.

“What time is practice?” Teri asked.

“8:00 I think,” he replied.

“Kei, what time does orientation start?”

“9.”

“So can you drop Toru off early and then hang around?”

“Seriously?” Kei demanded, looking up from his phone.

“It’s ok, I can take the bus,” Toru spoke up.

“Kei, that was the deal when we bought you that parking pass,” his mother urged.

“I’ll drive him on days that he starts the same time as me,” Kei shot back, his eyes back on his phone.

That seemed to satisfy them, because the subject was dropped after that. Ken served up a delicious breakfast of fried eggs, bacon and fluffy breakfast rolls. Toru enjoyed it very much, but he wasn’t quite used to the grease, having come from a family that served mostly fish and rice, and his body was sure to remind him of that. Now he had a stomachache in addition to his already aching head.

Once they’d finished, Toru volunteered to wash the dishes, earning him another scoff from Kei. He ignored it and went to work in the sink.

“So we’re going for dinner at 6:30. Do either of you need to head to the university to pick anything up today?”

“Nope, I have everything I need,” Kei said, now pulling his shoes on in the doorway.

“I can get my things tomorrow,” Toru said. He really just wanted to lie down.

“Why don’t you get unpacked, Toru? Let me know if you need anything, alright?”

“Thanks,” he said, hanging the dish cloth up. “Um, could I trouble you for the WIFI password?” 

* * *

 

 

It had been a rough start. Tsukishima Kei had been the first major bump in the road. He wasn’t terribly worried when he’d first encountered him, feeling that he could have chipped away at that rock hard exterior and eventually get to know the guy, but when he’d been cornered in the basement and told to stay away from him, he started to lose hope. He’d then spent the rest of the day up in his bedroom with a headache, trying to keep himself awake so that when night fell, he’d be able to sleep, and hopefully get himself onto California time by morning practice. His body however had other ideas. The family had gone to dinner at a steakhouse, which was just as greasy as breakfast had been, leaving him with another stomach ache. By the time they got home, he was so excited to go to sleep, yet somehow his mind was finally awake. He’d gone to bed around 8:30, but the last time he glanced at the clock it was after 2. He felt like he’d been asleep for mere minutes when his alarm went off and he had to get up.

When he got up, he realized he was not yet in possession of a transit pass, nor did he have any American money to pay the fee, so he’d been forced to ask his host mother. She was more than willing to give him the money, but it felt humiliating all the same. At least the weather had decided to cooperate with him, and while it wasn’t raining today, it wasn’t exactly sunny either. It was just dull and grey. He was fairly certain that it was actually warmer outside than in the house. He couldn’t understand why anyone would want to keep their house so cold.

When he’d finally made it to school, he had to search out the gym he was expected in. Once he found that, he had to find the rest of the volleyball team. Finally he spotted a couple of guys with duffle bags with the image of a volleyball on it and he’d approached them. They’d greeted him nicely enough, but as soon as they turned away one of them whispered something in quick English to the other and the both laughed. This did nothing to settle his nerves. Nevertheless, at least he knew where he was going now.

Toru was surprised when they lead him to a weight room. The rest of the team was obviously present, as most of them wore matching long sleeved shirts. He had never spent much time in a weight room in high school, preferring to hone his skill more directly through practice. It wasn’t completely foreign to him, he’d been to the gym a few times, but it was certainly out of his comfort zone.

“Hey you must be the new kid!”

“The import!”

“I hear you’re going to be the regular setter.”

“They brought you in all the way from China, but you don’t look like much,” someone teased.

Toru chose not to point out his obvious mistake, feeling the hostility immediately, and sensing the impending threat.

There were more jeers tossed around, some words he didn’t understand, other statements he could pick out random words. He felt at a disadvantage, and it was scary since he couldn’t tell if the guys were joking or not.

“Now guys, let’s not judge him until we see him play. Save it for afternoon practice,” the redhead said. The words sounded encouraging, but there was something scheming in his voice and in the way he said it. Still, this was a better direction than previously.

“Say, new kid, you got a name?”

“Oikawa,” he said timidly.

“Oikawa,” the redhead said, slinging a powerful arm around his shoulders, “you know your way around a weight room? You look pretty scrawny.”

“Kind of,” he mumbled in response.

“Let’s see how much he can bench,” the redhead laughed.

Toru found himself roughly shoved down onto the bench on his back, trying to regain his bearings as he heard plates smacking together.

“Arms up buddy!”

All of a sudden the bar was hovering over his head, and he complied by lifting his arms. The guys were not gentle letting go, and soon he found much more weight than he could handle crashing down on him, hyperextending his wrists and compressing his sternum.

“Alright you got this! Now lift!”

He squeezed his eyes, struggling to keep the bar from completely crushing his chest, but he could barely exert enough force in this position to keep it from killing him, let alone being able to lift the bar and fully extend his arms. All he could do was clench the bar tightly and keep it from rolling back onto his neck.

“Don’t let go, you can do it!”

“Hey!” A deep voice called.

Less than a second later, he was relieved of the bar, and the room had gone silent.

“What’s going on,” the voice said once more, this time sounding closer.

“Captain! Nothing’s going on. We were just helping him with his bench press!”

“Is that right?” The voice was now standing directly over him, and Toru chanced a peak.

“Maybe just giving him a proper initiation as well,” the redhead said honestly.

The kid standing over him could hardly be called a kid. He had the body and aura of a man, his body wracked with hard muscles, every ounce of him screamed maturity. But that wasn’t all. He was quite possibly the most captivating person Toru had ever seen. Captivating in the sense that he was beautiful, but he was so much more than that. The way his brow creased in concern called to him. The way his shoulders were set back with natural confidence. And the way his dark olive eyes seemed to pierce Toru, as if revealing every ounce of his being to this beautiful stranger. It was a feeling he’d never felt before, and one he couldn’t describe. He was gorgeous and enthralling, but at the same time he was repulsive. Something about him terrified Toru, but he couldn’t put his finger on it.

“Are you ok?” He asked, his words reverberating through Toru’s head. All he could do was stare.

“Yes,” he finally said, as though in a trance.

“You guys are idiots. This is dangerous and if I catch it again, there will be hell to pay.”

He extended his left hand to Toru, causing him to jump, as though he was going to be hit. He felt his mind clear, and he returned to reality. He ordered his brain to shut up, and managed to block out the daydream still threatening to consume him.

“Yes Captain,” the guys said in unison.

He realized he’d been absently clenching his left wrist, which now ached profusely, and his body was still wracked with heavy breathing. He managed to compose himself enough to take the Captain’s left hand, though he took it with his right. The guy must be left handed, he thought to himself.

The large calloused hand enveloped his own, and it didn’t take much for him to pull Toru to his feet, the guy’s right hand finding his shoulder as he righted Toru then guided him out of the room. He could immediately hear whispered behind him, but they were cut off as a door was closed behind him, and Toru found himself in what appeared to be an office with a large desk in the middle and a decent amount of fitness equipment scattered around the room.

“Have a seat,” he said, gesturing to the chair opposite the desk, then seating himself at the desk.

The team had indicated that this guy was the captain, but he almost seemed more like a coach right now.

“Toru Oikawa, am I right?” He asked, leaning his chin into his hands, propped up on his elbows on the desk.

“Yeah,” Toru replied hesitantly. He was not usually this nervous around people, but this guy was downright menacing, that in addition to the scare he’d just had.

“I’m Wakatoshi Ushijima, team captain,” he said.

“Nice to meet you,” Toru said quietly. His pulse was finally beginning to slow as he managed to stay out of his own head.

“Are you ok?” He asked again.

“Yeah, fine,” he lied.

“Let’s see you wrist,” he said, holding his left hand out to him once again.

Toru hesitated, not wanting to let the sore limb out of his own grasp.

“I’m studying sports therapy, if that helps,” Wakatoshi said, more softly now.

Toru obliged, reaching across the desk to offer his hand.

This time he could actually focus on the feeling of the other’s hand. He was only a couple of inches taller than Toru, but his hands felt like giants as the hardened fingers ran over his own slender wrist and the back of his hand. He felt his pulse quicken once more, and he hoped Wakatoshi either couldn’t feel it, or he would simply assume that Toru was still just shaken up, though the more he thought about it, that idea wasn’t appealing either. He hated how timid he’d come across to everyone in his first twenty-four hours in America. He wasn’t like this. He was outgoing and charming and confident. But his world had been flipped upside down. And he simply hadn’t had time to adjust.

“It’s not swelling, so I don’t think there’s any major damage. Can you tell me what hurts?”

Wakatoshi began gently moving his wrist around, grasping his fingers in a kind and calming manner, almost making it feel like they were holding hands. He nearly lost himself in the feeling again, savoring the closeness he felt.

“Toru?”

He quickly snapped back to reality, more because he realized what he was doing rather than the pain he felt as Wakatoshi bent his wrist backwards.

“Ouch,” he jolted, louder than necessary.

Wakatoshi sighed, pulling a roll of tape from the top drawer of the desk.

“Look I’m sorry about those idiots. They’re a well-behaved bunch of guys most of the time, but sometimes when I’m not around they get carried away. They’re giving you hard time because it’s been a long time since we had an exchange student on our team, let alone someone who was brought in from another country just to play for us. Our current setter is a bit bitter, and they’ve got a pretty heavy team mentality. I’m just giving you a heads up,” Wakatoshi said as he wrapped a few layers of tape around Toru’s wrist, anchoring it around his thumb. Toru barely caught a word of it however, as he studied the other boy’s features. His concentrated eyes, his thin but heavy eyebrows knit in concentration, the light display of freckles barely visible across his nose, and his sharp lips, pulled into a line across his mouth.

“Keep that on for evening practice, and if it’s still bad later we’ll hook you up with the team’s physician.”

“Thanks,” Toru said quietly as he pulled his hand back into his lap, disappointed at the loss of contact with Wakatoshi. It was amazing how someone so big and strong could be so gentle and delicate.

“We’re back in the weight room tomorrow morning, and I want you to work with Takeda, he’s our teams personal trainer. You guys can establish a workout routine for you that doesn’t involve bench pressing your own weight.”

“Sure,” Toru said, unsure of what else to say.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Wakatoshi asked again, his face displaying pure concern in contrast to his harsh voice. That was going to take some getting used to.

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“Alright. Hit the treadmill, ok?”

“Got it.”

“And I have no problem with headphones,” he hinted.

Toru nodded.

He pulled the sleeves of his training shirt down over his hand as he followed Wakatoshi out of the room. Tape was commonplace on the volleyball court, though he’d never used it a whole lot himself, but he wasn’t quite ready to display just how much these guys had hurt him yet. He didn’t care about practice later, since then he could at least showcase his skills, but a part of him wished that he could have continued to hide in the office with Wakatoshi.

But at least now the captain was in the room with them, maintaining order. He climbed onto the treadmill, pulled his headphones on, and set his pace. No one bothered him as he completed the better part of 12K in the remaining time, and it wasn’t until Wakatoshi waved his hand in front of him that Toru realized it was time to head out.

He avoided the locker room entirely, choosing to remain sweaty and gross rather than shower with everyone else. He was coming back to practice later anyway.

He shouldered his bag and headed past the locker room, hearing Wakatoshi’s heavy voice, which sounded nothing short of angry.

* * *

 

Toru’s day didn’t get much better after that. He got completely lost trying to find the building where his international students group met, and when he finally did track them down, he had to explain to his group’s coordinator why he’d missed the morning orientation. He’d been scolded in choppy English and told he was not allowed to miss any more morning meetings, and as there was one every Friday morning, he had a feeling it would continue to be an issue.

While the morning was occupied with orientations, afternoon classes were in session. After arriving late to his calculus class, he took his laptop and located the whereabouts of every other building he had classes in. Even so, he was still late to his Physics class after walking ten minutes across campus to get there. Surprisingly, he found Kei in both of his classes so far, and while the pair had made quick eye contact initially, Toru kept his word and stayed out of his way.

By the time he got to evening practice, Toru was tired and dejected. He was still in a bad mood from the incident in the weight room, and he was not looking forward to facing his teammates again. On top of that, he’d scuffled with his morning instructor, missed the part of his calculus lecture where they’d gotten into study groups and was therefore forced in as the fourth member to an unwilling group, and he’d failed to understand a lot of what his physics professor had said as he had a very thick European accent. He really just wanted to go home, take a shower and pretend today had never happened. Maybe a proper sleep and a fresh start would rejuvenate him and convince him that coming here wasn’t in fact a terrible idea.

And so he found himself walking into the gymnasium, late once again, where Wakatoshi lead him to the locker room and showed him his team locker. He changed into shorts and a t-shirt before slipping into his kneepad, knee brace and court shoes.

He watched as one of the players elbowed the redhead in the ribs, pointing at his still taped wrist. The two appeared to be laughing, and he immediately felt self-conscious.

He tried to tell himself not to worry about it, to focus on volleyball and practice, and to hopefully gain their respect on the court. He wouldn’t care if they weren’t his teammates, but he was going to be seeing a lot of these guys, and the time together would be far more enjoyable if they all got along.

“Alright guys, line up!” An authoritative voice called from across the gym. The tall, blond man appeared to be the coach, though he couldn’t be much older than most of the players, not to mention the fact that he looked younger than Wakatoshi.

As Toru reached the line of players, he found the coach was handing out coloured pinnies like the ones he’d worn in high school PE class. He slowed as he got to him.

“Ah, you must be Oikawa. I’m coach Ukai. Good to meet you. You can be blue,” he said, handing the shirt to him.

Toru, unsure of what to say, remained quiet as he took the pinnie and put it on.

He soon found that Wakatoshi, the only other player whose name he knew, was on his team as well. The player that had initiated the sequence of events that lead to him holding a bar much heavier than he could handle and nearly killing himself was wearing a yellow shirt, and was on the opposite side of the net. Maybe the players hadn’t rotated around properly yet, but he boy was currently standing in the setter position.

As it turned out, his assumption was correct, and things became a bit clearer to Toru. He’d dealt with rivalry within his team before, and it had stressed the hell out of him and lead to a devastating injury, but he knew now how to deal with it. He also knew that in this case, he’d been brought half way across the world to play here, so no matter how good this other setter was, he knew he stood a very good chance of being a starter. They hadn’t brought him all the way from Japan to sit on the bench.

He soon learned that the setter’s name was Eita, and he was clearly very competitive and hot headed. The first serve was Wakatoshi’s, and resulted in a service ace. Toru watched the pure power of the serve as he it flew over his head, but his immediate thought was that while it was in a decent spot, it lacked control. The other side managed to dig up Wakatoshi’s second serve and slam the ball out of their second-string Libero’s reach. By the third point, Toru was anxious to get his hands on the ball, but his side only managed to dig up the serve and send it back in the direction from which it came. Finally by the fourth point, their libero dug up the serve and got it to Toru. It was then that he realized how difficult this position was going to be when he knew nothing about his team. His first toss was to Wakatoshi, who slammed it hard into the ground with his left hand, earning them a point. This earned him a simple “nice toss” from Wakatoshi, though Toru knew he could do better. He’d never even played with a left handed spiker, and he knew he had so much to learn. He wasn’t getting any feedback from Wakatoshi or anyone else, so all he could do was observe and attempt to make his tosses work.

Nobody responded much to him, and he preferred it that way, but at the same time it made him anxious. They were all talking about him, and he could feel their eyes burning into him, as if waiting for him to sprout wings and fly. Despite the pressure, he felt alright. His tosses felt fine considering he didn’t know any of his spikers’ habits, and he even managed to get a couple of spikes in himself. He’d had an opportunity for a dump, but he didn’t feel like invoking the wrath of Eita at this point, so he kept his play relatively humble. When it came his time to serve however, several players sounded impressed as he managed two service aces, then two more points that the other team failed to produce on.

As he really started to feel as though he was getting into the grove however, the coach blew the whistle and told them in was time to move onto other drills.

“How’s the wrist?” Wakatoshi asked him as they grabbed their water bottles.

“Fine,” Toru said, hesitantly offering a smile.

Wakatoshi nodded in response. “You looked good out there,” he said simply before turning away.

Toru felt his heart race as he watched him walk towards the coach, his eyes travelling down his body, narrowing in on his perfectly chizzled legs, his firm, muscular ass and his wide set shoulders filling out his t-shirt perfectly as it shadowed his lower back.

He shook his head and forced his eyes away. He could _not_ do this right now. He was already at odds with half the team. The last thing he needed was the one person he was on speaking terms with catching him checking him out.

He heard the click of a tongue behind him and he froze.

“Tsk tsk, compliments from Wakatoshi are hard to come by.” He turned to find the read head who had helped crush him with weights earlier that day.

He chose not to respond, still too nervous and insecure to say anything.

“He’s right though. I’m excited to see what else you can do.”

Practice dragged on from there on out. The jet lag was hitting him and his body was sore and exhausted, but he gave it everything he had. He knew he needed to get a better sleep tonight if he wanted to keep himself in top form, not to mention eat a healthier lunch. He’d found the cafeteria he’d gone to was filled with more greasy food, and he hadn’t had time to search for another one before his next class. He made a mental note to ask Teri if he could pack his own lunch tomorrow.

Once again, he avoided the showers and the locker room as much as possible, electing to shower when he got home. He changed out of his shorts and shoes and put his jeans and hoodie back on before heading out.

He pushed open the door to reveal the darkness of the campus. This part of his evening wasn’t strange. It was normal for it to be dark when he left practice. What was weird was leaving at the same time as everyone else. Usually he’d stick around afterwards and practice serving for at least another half hour. But he wasn’t even close to comfortable with his new team, so he decided to leave when everyone else left. His old team understood his ways. These guys did not.

On top of that, he knee was bothering him more than usual today, and while that never stopped him before, it was worrisome since he hadn’t really overexerted himself today.

As he glanced around the campus trying to get his bearings so he could find the bus stop, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. It was obviously a call, since it kept on vibrating, and he retrieved his phone to see an angry brunette’s face on his screen.

He clicked the green button, and the bright photo was replaced with a darker, more fluid version of his best friend.

“Iwa-chan, what a pleasant surprise,” he said, forcing a smile.

“Do you not check your phone, idiot?”

“I just got out of practice, sorry,” he said sheepishly. Damn it felt good to be speaking Japanese again.

“God I thought you were dead in a ditch or something,” Hajime said, shaking his head.

“Nope! I’m A-Okay!” He replied, offering his index and middle finger in a peace sign.

“What happened to your hand?” Hajime asked, his voice dropping an octave.

_Shit_ , he thought to himself.

“Oh this?” He asked, holding his still taped left hand up as he cursed himself for not removing to tape while frantically wracking his brain for an excuse. “Our team was in the weight room this morning and I started lifting weights without really knowing what I was doing. It’s completely fine though, the trainer just wanted to be extra cautious.”

It wasn’t a total lie, but hopefully it would keep his best friend from worrying more than he already was.

“You’re an idiot,” Hajime said, sounding like a broken record. “You need to take better care of yourself. You know your scholarship is on the line, right? They didn’t just bring you over there so you could look pretty while sitting on the bench.”

_Shots fired_. The words hit him harder than he let on, but maybe it was just because he was so physically and mentally exhausted.

“I know, Iwa-chan. Don’t worry about me,” he said casually.

The look on his friends face told him that he should have retorted with a comment about how they’d be lucky to have him sitting on the bench looking pretty. He knew his response wasn’t like him, but he didn’t have it in him at the moment.

“Toru, are you ok?” He asked seriously.

“I’m fine, stop worrying. I’m just a little jet lagged and dealing with a large dose of culture shock. Give me a few days, ok?”

Hajime didn’t look convinced.

“Look, I’m about to step off campus and I’m going to lose my WIFI. I’ll text you later, ok?”

“Alright, take care of yourself Shittykawa.”

He clicked his tongue and winked at him, offering another peace sign before ending the call.

He sighed deeply as he pocketed his phone, feeling like he could breathe normally again. That call had taken more out of him than he cared to admit. It was nice to hear from his friend, but he couldn’t maintain his façade right now, and showing Hajime his current mental state was not an option. He already worried too much. He loved him for it, he really did, but it wasn’t necessary. He could take care of himself. He was going to be fine. He just needed a few nights of sleep and a couple more practices to get to know his team.

Or so he told himself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was a different country, a different team, and he needed to be a different person if he wanted to make it work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Advanced thank yous for reading and apologies for typos/errors!

When he got off the bus it was raining. He was only about ten minutes away from home, but by the time he turned his new key in the front door and entered the house, he was soaked to the bone. He needed to invest in a rain jacket.

“Oh my gosh Toru, you’re soaked!” Teri cried as he entered the room.

“Sorry, I’ll clean it up,” he replied through chattering teeth.

“Don’t worry about that! Why didn’t you get a ride with Kei?”

“I thought he’d be home already,” he said.

“Kei you’re supposed to text him when you leave!” She said, scolding her son who was sitting across the room with a can of pop.

“I don’t have his number,” he said, without looking up.

“Toru, please give him your number, and get his as well.”

He looked up as he peeled his soaking wet sweater and off his body, leaving him in only his t-shirt. Kei did not look impressed.

“What happened to your hand??” She asked dramatically. Once again he cursed himself for not removing the tape.

“Nothing happened. I just tape it for stability sometimes when I play,” he said in a convincing tone. “I still have a Japanese number. I’ll get his number when I get a new phone on the weekend,” he said, choosing not to remind her that there were so many other ways to communicate that simply involved the internet rather than long distance messages. It wasn’t like he or Kei would message each other anyway. If Kei didn’t want him in his car, then Toru wouldn’t bother him.

“Alright, go upstairs and have a shower. Dinner will be ready in about half an hour,” Teri said, appearing convinced. Kei on the other hand, simply sat there looking amused.

He thanked her and took his leave.

He locked himself in the bathroom and stripped the remainder of his clothing off, tearing the tape, as well as several hairs off of his arm while he waited for the water to warm up. He flexed his wrist back and forth and felt only a small amount of pain when bending it back. The tape had done its job. He popped his contact lenses out and dunked them in the solution, before turning to test the water in the shower.

As he stepped into the warm water, he felt the tension he hadn’t even realized he’d been carrying fall from his shoulders as he nearly sighed out loud. It felt amazing, not only on his body, but for his morale. He stood there for the better part of half an hour before finally climbing out, instantly missing the warmth as he dried himself and scampered back to his room wrapped in his towel. The house was so damn cold, and he quickly dressed himself in sweatpants and heavy sweatshirt. He thought about putting his contacts back in, hating the way he looked in his glasses, but he decided against it. His host parents wouldn’t care, and Kei had already rejected him so he really had nothing to lose.

Finally he pulled his glasses out of the case and slid them up his nose. He pulled on his warmest pair of socks and headed downstairs.

* * *

 

The next morning, Teri was up at the crack of dawn, dragging Kei out of bed and insisting that he drive Toru to school. His morning practice was at 7am, and Kei’s first class wasn’t until 8:30 today, so Toru knew it was going to be an unpleasant ride.

“Toru honey, Kei is going to drive you this morning,” Teri said kindly, as though he hadn’t heard the battle coming from the bedroom next door. He didn’t need to see Kei to know just how bitter he was about being woken up an hour and a half early. He knew that she was trying to help, but in all reality, she was really just making things worse between the two boys. He was perfectly content just staying out of Kei’s way, and he was so jet lagged that it didn’t seem to matter what time he got up. He hadn’t slept well at all the last two nights.

When he emerged from the bathroom fully dressed, Kei was standing outside the room, half asleep, glasses pushed up on top of his head as he rubbed at his eyes. Yet he was awake enough to fire shots at his new roommate.

“I don’t know how things worked in China, but in California, only fags wear yoga pants,” Kei said.

Toru was about to open his mouth to retort, but clamped down on his tongue and decided against it. While he did enjoy the comfort yoga pants offered, he wouldn’t typically wear them in public. He only had them on because he had an early morning training session in the weight room and he’d been told to dress in flexible clothing. He thought about changing them, but decided he didn’t care. As for Kei’s racist, not to mention homophobic comment, he figured there was nothing he could do. It wasn’t the first time he’d heard something like this in the last twenty-four hours. He really wished he could just bus to school, but it would completely disrupt Teri’s efforts as a host mom.

The ride to school was all but silent. Kei apparently wasn’t even awake enough to turn on the radio in attempt to break the tension. Luckily it was only a ten-minute drive, much faster than the twenty-minute bus ride and ten-minute walk required on Toru’s part.

“Where am I dropping you?” Kei finally asked, making Toru jump a little.

“Um, anywhere near the gymnasium is fine,” he replied timidly.

He thanked Kei as he climbed out of the car, but all he received in response was a quick “whatever” as Kei sped away, revving his car much harder than necessary.

He sighed in relief, thrilled to be out of the car, and gave himself a moment to enjoy the solitude outside of the building. It was early, so there wasn’t anyone else around. He then steeled himself for round two – his teammates.

Lucky for Toru, he was met at the front door by Takeda, a tall brown-haired nerdy looking character who looked like he should be parked in front of a video game console rather than working as a personal trainer. Nevertheless, he was just that. At least he seemed friendly.

“I work with all the athletes on this team, so I’m looking forward to working with you to devise a workout plan that will get you in top shape.”

“Right,” Toru said awkwardly.

“Did anyone go over the team’s schedule with you yesterday?”

“I think I got an email about it a few weeks ago, but I can’t remember,” he said guiltily, expecting to immediately be judged for his lack of attention or concern.

“No problem. I can imagine you’ve had a lot going on getting settled in at a new school in a new country.”

“Yeah,” Toru said, offering a shrug and grin.

“So starting next week, you have practices every morning at 7am as well as afternoon practices at 4pm. Saturday’s practice starts at 9am and typically last all day, usually veering off into video analysis or other group activities. Sunday’s practice starts at 11am but is optional and very much self-guided. It’s your opportunity to work on anything you might feel you need to outside of regular practices. You’re expected in the weight room a minimum of five days a week, and that’s on your own time. Got all that?”

“Right,” Toru said. Takeda looked at him like he was joking in expecting him to remember all that, but he typically had a very organized mind when it came to memorization.

“The only things that throws off regular practice schedules are matches. We have our first exhibition match next week, and the regular season starts two weeks after that.”

“Wow already?”

“Yes, it doesn’t give you a ton of time to get acclimatized, but we’ll do our best,” he said grinning.

“Alright first things first, how’s that wrist of yours? I heard you had a run in with your teammates yesterday,” Takeda asked, holding out his hand, apparently wanting to examine it for himself rather than hear what Toru had to say.

“It’s fine,” Toru said honestly, but offering his hand nonetheless.

Takeda poked and prodded and bent his hand every which way, but Toru only felt stiffness, no pain. Finally he seemed satisfied and continued.

“Unfortunately, being a setter, you’re the one player that really need to maintain two healthy wrists. I have a set of wrist straps for you that I want you to use while lifting. I know you guys don’t typically think things like that are cool, but it’s a safety thing, got it?”

“Sure,” Toru replied. He really didn’t care.

He spent the next two hours working with Takeda on a lower body workout that had Toru feeling like he wasn’t going to be able to walk tomorrow.

When he voiced this opinion, Takeda laughed. “You’re probably right. But that means you got a good workout! The first time is always the worst, after that you’ll be sore but it won’t be anything you can’t shake off with a good warm up.”

This wasn’t exactly encouraging.

When they were finished, Takeda helped him cool down and stretch.

“I think you’re blessed with an impressive physique for a volleyball player, and I heard you have a pretty powerful serve in your arsenal. I think with some extra strength training you can make that even stronger. You’ve also got some baby fat on you that I’d like to see you lose, but with a decent diet that shouldn’t be an issue. We work our athletes pretty hard around here, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

Toru forced a smile, but he was trying to keep his stomach from flipping over. His weight had always been something he worried about especially when he was younger, to the point where he’d borderline had an eating disorder for a while. His body was stubborn in the way that it held onto fat in his abdomen, and he hated it. All through middle school and high school everyone else had had a six-pack without even trying. He wasn’t exactly fat, but he still wasn’t happy with his stomach.

As for his diet, he really hoped his host family started cooking a bit healthier.

* * *

 

Toru managed to survive the rest of the week of workouts, classes and practices, even if just barely. He still wasn’t sleeping properly, and he could feel himself coming down with some kind of cold. On top of that, his homework pile was building up faster than he could have imagined, and he was still expected at Saturday’s full day practice. By the time Sunday rolled around, he had no choice but to skip the optional practice to catch up on homework, sleep and life in general.

Once again he’d had a very restless sleep, and he could feel his throat beginning to ache and his nose was becoming congested. He didn’t feel rested at all, and he wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. Unfortunately today, he didn’t have time to sit around and sulk about it.

He climbed out of bed and headed straight for the shower. It felt weird to be putting on jeans, he reflected as he dressed himself, since he’d been heading to morning practices all week. But today he absolutely needed to get a new cell phone and pick up his textbooks from the school’s bookstore. After that he had a pile of homework to complete, due to his lack of punctuality with the aforementioned task.

It was refreshing to be alone, he thought to himself as he wandered around the scarcely populated campus. It was still the first week and he doubted many people had managed to fall as far behind in their studies as he had. That combined with the fact that the temperature was dropping, and despite the fact that the skies were generally clear, it was very cold. He pulled his jacket tighter and reflected on the solidarity.

Being surrounded by his teammates was becoming more bearable. They weren’t nice to him, but they didn’t go out of their way to be jerks to him anymore either. His display of skill throughout the first week’s practices appeared to have set them straight, at least for now. That said, the fact that they still didn’t seem to want to talk to him limited what he considered to be his greatest skill on the court. He knew he could bring out the full potential of his teammates, but they needed to give him a chance to do so, and for that they needed to communicate. And yet right now at least, they seemed so content just hitting his basic tosses. He knew they were accurate and spikable, but he felt like he could do so much more. He could feel the coaches’ eyes on him as well, no doubt asking each other why they’d bothered to bring him all the way from Japan when setters like his current self were a dime a dozen. And right now, the team obviously trusted Eita more so why was he even on the court?

He made his way slowly toward the student union building, enjoying the fresh air despite the bite of the cold. He wondered if anything would even be open on a Sunday, but luckily the whole building seemed to be alive. It didn’t take him long to secure a new cell phone plan, electing to keep his old phone which was currently unlocked, and simply putting an American phone number and plan on it.

After that he wandered to the bookstore where he’d previously ordered and paid for all of his textbooks online, so all he needed to do was pick them up. He hadn’t anticipated how tall the stack would be, so he left them on the counter while he finished his other shopping, picking up items like notebooks and pens and other odds and ends. When he was finished, he left the building with a ridiculous stack of books along with a reusable shopping bag filled with other things. He needed to find a place to sit down ASAP. Luckily there was a library right next to the building, and he wandered inside looking for a vacant seat.

The back of the building was one very large glass window that spanned all six stories and let the grey but bright light reach into the library. Toru walked towards it and found a comfortable seat with a small table half way up the first set of stairs, and he settled himself in, dropping all of this things in the other chair with a loud sigh. He quickly clamped down on his tongue as students from further up the stairs stared down at him. Right – Library. _Shut up, Toru_.

And it wasn’t long before he was drowning in textbooks, catching up on his reading and finally starting to feel a bit less anxious about classes. He still had an online quiz to do, and he was finishing up the reading for it when someone stepped in front of him, blocking his natural light. He continued to look down for a second, hoping whoever this person was would realize he or she was being a nuisance and move. When that didn’t happen, he looked up.

“I thought it was you,” Wakatoshi said, his face not softening.

“And what if it hadn’t been?” Toru replied, wishing he could sound smoother despite his average English.

“Then I would have walked away,” Wakatoshi said as if it were obvious. Toru had no doubt that he was telling the truth though. He seemed like the kind of person who had no shame in that sense.

“Did you go to practice?” Toru asked.

“I did. Where were you?”

“Here,” he replied.

“Are you almost done?” Wakatoshi said.

“Kind of?” Toru said questioningly.

“Come work out with me,” Wakatoshi said, making it sound like more of a demand than an offer. “We can hit some spikes after.”

Toru hadn’t been planning on playing today, but he’d left his volleyball stuff in the locker room, so he didn’t really have a reason not to, aside from the fact that his host parents were probably expecting him home for dinner. That and he hadn’t eaten all day. He decided however that it might not be a bad thing. He was after all, on a mission to lose some ‘baby fat.’

“Sure. Let me do my quiz first though,” Toru said, pulling out his laptop.

Wakatoshi nodded, moving Toru’s pile of books to the table and taking the seat across from him. He pulled his own textbook out of his backpack and read until Toru was finished. The quiz, which should have been relatively easy, ended up being harder than he’d thought, but this may have been largely due to external factors. Like the fact that Toru kept glancing up over his laptop to stare at Wakatoshi. Or the fact that each time he began frantically flipping the pages in his textbook, he could feel Wakatoshi’s eyes on him, and he had to exert an extra effort not to look up and meet those olive eyes.

In the end he passed with a 79%, and made a mental note to complete the next quiz in the privacy of his own bedroom.

He continued to stare at the screen even after he was done, mentally pulling himself together. There was no way he was going to get through a gym session without evidence of his attraction to his teammate surfacing in the form a tent in his shorts if he didn’t get his shit together. He needed to focus. He was finally warming up to one of his teammates, and he was _not_ going to blow it now.

He took one last deep breath before closing his computer. “I’m done,” he said quietly, looking sheepishly up at Wakatoshi.

Wakatoshi closed his own book and nodded to Toru.

“Did you just buy all this today?” Wakatoshi asked him, nodding at the pile of books on the table as he replaced his own textbook in his backpack.

“Yeah,” Toru said.

“No wonder you’re so far behind.”

“I haven’t had time with classes and workouts and practice. And I just got here the day before classes started.”

“Mm, makes sense then,” Wakatoshi concluded. It was strange. For a second he felt like he was being judged, accused even of being unorganized. It was like a tension pressing down on him as Wakatoshi’s deep voice questioned him. But then as soon as he seemed to accept his answer, Wakatoshi’s judgment, along with his attention was gone. “Do you want help carrying it?”

“I think I can manage,” he replied automatically, still feeling nervous.

By the time they reached the exit of the library however, Wakatoshi had decided he couldn’t manage on his own and had taken more than half the stack of books from him. He felt his cheeks glow red, but thanked him anyway.

They reached the weight room to find it completely empty, and after dropping off their things and changing into shorts and t-shirts, they began their workout together, focusing on back and shoulders.

Toru found it was nice to have someone spotting for him on the bench press, especially after nearly killing himself thanks to his other teammates on the first day. He still had a bruise on his sternum as evidence of the event. But having Wakatoshi standing over him just in case made him feel like he could really push himself to exhaustion. He was glad however that Wakatoshi never actually needed help despite the struggle he typically had with this last rep, as Toru wasn’t sure he could even lift the bar with so much weight on it.

They finished with core exercises, lying next to each other on the mat, which Toru particularly enjoyed. It was nice having Wakatoshi to lead the workout, showing him different exercises that Takeda hadn’t.

Finally Wakatoshi stood up and offered his hand to Toru.

“How’re you feeling?” He asked.

“Good,” Toru replied simply. He was tired, but he wasn’t about to say it. It was really a given for both of them.

“Ready to hit the court?”

“Sure.”

He still felt a bit nervous, especially now that his shoulders felt a lot like Jell-O after that work out. He knew Wakatoshi’s eyes would be all over him, and he really didn’t feel like making a fool of himself right now.

“Want to hit some serves?”

And they did. They hit serve after serve until Toru felt like his arms were going to fall off and his knee was going to snap. Then they moved onto setting and spiking, Wakatoshi tossing the ball to Toru to set for a spike.

The best part about the entire day however, was the fact that they talked. Wakatoshi offered feedback for Toru, helping him to set the best possible Toss for Wakatoshi. He knew there was more to it, and they would need to work more in an actual game setting, but this was a start. He was the first player to actually communicate with him since he’d landed in America. It felt so good.

A couple of times Wakatoshi popped the ball up for Toru to spike as well, and while he felt weak at the moment, it felt good to smash the ball down. He felt like with every ounce of effort, his anxiety was dropping and his stress melting away from him. This first week had induced more tension that he could have realized, but by the time they were finished, he felt a hundred times better.

“What time is it?” Toru asked, doubled over with his hands on his knees panting.

“Just after eight,” Wakatoshi replied.

“Shit,” Toru mumbled. “My host parents are going to think I’m dead.”

“Call them?” He offered.

“Yeah I will.”

“Tell them we’re going for a bite to eat.”

“We are?”

“Aren’t you hungry? You haven’t eaten in hours,” Wakatoshi said.

If only he knew just how long it had actually been.

“Yeah, alright.”

They found themselves at what Toru would consider a typical American restaurant, but it wasn’t a burger joint or a steak house. The menu looked reasonably priced and he was happy to see that there were options that did not appear to be dripping in grease. His stomach rumbled, not for the first time today.

When the waitress appeared, Toru ordered a salmon pasta dish, and Wakatoshi ordered a steak. She packed up their menus and took them away, and Toru grew nervous. He liked Wakatoshi, more than he should have, and he didn’t want to appear awkward.

“What happened to your knee?” Wakatoshi asked almost immediately.

Toru had half expected him to ask more typical questions like how he liked America, or how he was settling in. But he was learning that Wakatoshi was very pointed and direct. If there were no point to what he was saying, he wouldn’t have said it.

“A bad ACL sprain in high school,” Toru replied honestly.

“It’s still giving you trouble, right?”

He glanced up to meet Wakatoshi’s eyes, but quickly looked away. He couldn’t find it in him to maintain eye contact with the guy. He wasn’t sure if his statement was obvious because of the knee brace he wore, or perhaps Wakatoshi could see the pain on his face while he was playing.

“Not really,” Toru said, testing the waters.

Wakatoshi simply stared back at him.

“It gets sore sometimes when I jump too much, but it’s normal. My PT told me there would likely always be some pain.” He almost told Wakatoshi not to worry about it, but he had to remind himself that he wasn’t talking to Iwaizumi here, who always worried.

They were silent for a moment, Toru anxiously playing with the cuff off his hoody.

“You’re a strong player, Toru. I can see why you were invited to the University.”

“I wish the other guys would talk to me.”

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“They will. Just be patient,” he said, his voice softening slightly. “They come across as a cocky bunch, but they all have their own problems.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well obviously Eita wants nothing to do with you because he’s threatened by you. But Eita can play any position, so the other regulars feel it too. They all feel like you came out of nowhere and they’re going to lose their spot because of you. Then there’s Tendou who is just awful at making friends. I think he was picked on as a kid, so it takes him a long time to let people see the real him. Goshiki is first year aged, though he’s actually a second year, and he’s small and underdeveloped, so seeing someone like you come in and steal the spot light is threatening to him too.”

“What about a team mentality? Don’t they want the best players as regulars so we can actually win?” Toru asked.

“They’ll see it when the games start and they see how valuable you are. Give it time. Some of us have been together three years. Just be patient.”

“It’s frustrating,” Toru said honestly, leaning back against the chair and crossing his arms. 

* * *

 

By the time he got home, he wanted to collapse into his bed and stay there for several days. Perhaps tonight he would actually get a good sleep for the first time since arriving. He was contemplating whether or not he even had the energy to shower when Teri called him into the kitchen.

“How was your day, Toru,” she asked, quickly leaning against the counter, obstructing what appeared to be a teapot and a couple of mugs.

“It was good,” he said automatically.

“Would you have a seat with me?” She asked. Mothers had a way of asking questions that sounded like questions, but were no doubt demands, and these questions seemed to be ingrained into the minds of their families. Toru found it strange being on the receiving end of one of these so-called ‘questions’ from another mother. Nevertheless, he recognized that she wanted to talk about something more serious than she let on, so he put down his things on the counter and nervously took a seat.

“How was your day?” He asked, forcing an element of well-practiced charm into his voice that sounded awkward to him in English.

“It was nice,” she said, placing a teacup before him and filling it up to the brim. He’d since let onto the family that he drank all his caffeinated beverages without milk or sugar.

“Thank you,” he said, as she filled her own cup.

“You left early this morning,” she said, again, almost accusingly.

“I had a lot to get done. I got my new cell phone and all of my books today,” he said, nodding at the pile on the counter.

“That’s good. Did you have practice?”

“I did, but I missed it. I made up for it in the evening though. I did a work out then practiced on my own for a couple of hours. Then my friend… and I had dinner.”

“Oh, you met a girl already?” She said, a hint of excitement in her voice.

“Actually it was my team captain,” he said. “We had a meeting,” he quickly added. He was used to homophobic vibes, but the one she was giving off here was strong. There was no way she could know that he was gay, but as soon as he’d indicated that he’d had dinner with a man, he felt like the temperature in the room had jumped about ten degrees.

“I see. Do you have practices every Sunday?”

“Yes,” he said, choosing not to explain that they were optional.

“I see. I just wanted to let you know that every Sunday, we attend Church as a family, and while I know you are a very busy person, we would like it if you could join us, even sometimes.”

 _Ah,_ he understood.

“I see,” he said, quickly recovering and removing all evidence of his anxiety from his face. “Would it be alright if I gave it some thought and saw what I could do?” He asked, once again attempting to inject the charm back into his words. “It is clearly important to you and your family, and I would not want to dishonor your values after you’ve been so hospitable to me.” He could hardly believe he managed to get all of that out in English. He was getting very quick at putting his thoughts into words, but he still struggled when he had to translate quickly mid-sentence. 

That seemed to satisfy her, and a genuine smile fell across her face.

They chatted for a while longer, Teri asking about his volleyball and his classes, and he actually felt like they were bonding. It was as though the original conversation had been staged and never actually happened.

She did mention it once more before he placed his empty teacup in the sink. He assured her he would think about it, and he headed upstairs with his things.

He dropped his stuff on his bed, then headed to the shower before he could change his mind.

The warm water felt wonderfully soothing on his aching body, and he found he had a hard time even holding his arms up to wash his hair. He felt like he might just collapse against the wall and fall asleep right there. He wondered, if the hot water ran out and turned cold, would that even wake him up?

Once sufficiently clean, he dried himself off and hurried across the hall to his bedroom, locking his door behind him. He pulled his pajamas on and climbed into to bed, only to find another being on it already.

The cat jumped up as he nearly sat on her, and he groaned at the prospect of having to get back up to let her out of the room. But she didn’t seem to want to go anywhere. She simply sat and watched as he pushed all his new things off to bed and climbed under the blankets.

“You staying?” He asked her. She curled her front paws underneath her and closed her eyes once again.

Apparently she was.

And as exhausted as he was, as soon as his head hit the pillow, he no longer felt tired.

All he could think about was Teri and the family discovering his secret. Or dragging him to church. Or Ushijima realizing how he felt. Or the team realizing how he felt about Ushijima. Then there was the team in general. Would they ever accept him? Wakatoshi said to wait until they played together and they saw that he was strong, but what if he wasn’t strong enough? They were all good players, and this was not high school. What if this had all been a mistake bringing him here? What if it had been a mistake on his part coming here?

He ended up lying there, face buried in his pillow, trying to drown out all the thoughts racing through his head. Would it really have been better if he’d never come here?

* * *

 

Despite his lack of sleep, Toru was at practice early the next morning. The gym was unlocked and the nets were up, so he helped himself to the basket of balls, figuring he’d do some serve practice before anyone else showed up.

It felt good to be serving this early in the morning. His knee wasn’t exhausted yet, and he felt like he could jump endlessly. After his 40th or so serve, he heard the gym doors open and he heard the voice before he saw the red hair.

Tendou.

“If it isn’t our favourite chink!” Tendou exclaimed. He bit his tongue – one of these days he was going to scream out loud that he wasn’t Chinese. But it wasn’t going to be today.

“Nice serve,” Goshiki said. Toru wasn’t sure if he could sense sarcasm or not. It was always difficult to tell in English.

“You missed practice yesterday. First week. Tsk Tsk,” Tendou said.

“I made up for it in the evening. Wakatoshi and I were here for hours,” he said, perhaps exaggerating slightly.

“Another private session with the Captain. Geez you’re really buttering him up, aren’t you. I bet you took him to dinner after, didn’t you?”

Toru kept his mouth shut. They had gone for dinner, but Wakatoshi had insisted on paying. He picked up his next ball and tossed it up in the air.

“Dang, even if you are a jerk, you certainly have a nice serve.”

He still kept his mouth shut, but this time he had to bite his tongue to keep a smile from crossing his face.

Practices continued to be like this for the remainder of the week. They weren’t nice to him, but they coexisted with him. He wasn’t sure how much sarcasm was hovering in the air because he felt like he didn’t have a good enough grasp of the language to really sense it. He didn’t take chances, though. He generally kept to himself. The few times he had let his charismatic and moderately flamboyant personality shine through, it had been met with resistance, and he could easily tell that people like him were not the norm in the American world of sports.

His professors continued to pile on the homework, but he’d developed a kind of routine between classes where he managed to get most of his work done. Midterms however were not far off, and he was growing more and more nervous about them. He still wasn’t sleeping well, and he found himself doing whatever he could to avoid his host family, especially Kei.

His most enjoyable times were after practices when he and Wakatoshi would stick around after everyone else left. They had gone out to eat a couple more times, and while he still didn’t quite feel like he could completely be himself, he felt happiest around Wakatoshi. He didn’t feel like he was constantly being judged, or like Wakatoshi was looking for something wrong with him.

Their first practice game rolled around quicker than he might have anticipated, and the days building up to it were tense and filled with insane amounts of training.

Despite his nerves, as soon as the whistle blew and the game began, he was in his element. And it was like he was back at home on his high school court. The other team’s captain served a brutal spike like serve, but their libero, Yamagata managed to return it to him, and while it was slightly off, he was able to set a high toss to Wakatoshi, who promptly smashed it into the ground with what Toru figured was probably 75% of his usual power.

When it was his their turn to serve, he found the spikes being aimed at him, having to dig up the first one on his own, leaving him unable to set. Wakatoshi however got to the ball second, and set him up for a pretty spike of his own, earning him several glares from the opposing side, and a couple of pats on the back from his own team.

The game turned the players into a team, and the sense of camaraderie elevated. It was the first time since arriving that Toru really felt like he belonged. But as they began to gel as a team, their opponents began to do the same, and it became evident that they’d been a tight knit group for longer as they hit one tricky shot after another. Only with huge amounts of practice could you be able to hit those kinds of synchronized attacked flawlessly. Their wing spiker sneered at Toru as he failed to make the block and ended up falling beneath the net. He ignored it as Tendou of all people pulled him to his feet.

“Don’t worry about it,” Tendo said, sounding like a different person entirely.

But Toru managed to get them back with his next shot. After receiving the serve, Yamagata set him up for the perfect spike quite close to the net, and he went up as he was doing just that, dumping it at the last second possible. It tumbled off the tape and hit the ground.

His team cheered, and he grinned back at the spiker who had glared at him.

“Nice dump, Oikawa!” Goshiki cried.

Just like in high school, practice matches felt nothing like practice. They were always serious and while nothing but pride was on the line, it felt like they were playing for an international prize. The other team got chipier, seemingly aiming for players more than the ground. Toward the end of the second game, Toru blocked a particularly ferocious spike which jammed his right ring finger backwards hard. He cursed out loud, but declined the offer to be pulled off. They were at set point thanks to his block, and he refused to give up.

“You sure you’re ok to serve?” Wakatoshi asked him.

 _Probably not_ , he thought to himself. “Of course.” He’d played through pain before and he was perfectly capable.

Wakatoshi eyed him for a second longer, then handed him the ball.

There was no way his serve was going to be as powerful as it normally was, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him. He twirled the ball like normal, bouncing it quickly and holding back all signs of pain from his face. This was going to work. He’d been hitting ridiculously powerful serves since the game started. He kept himself from grinning as he saw the middle blocker take a step back.

“Nice serve, Oikawa,” Tendo said.

He took a deep breath, then tossed the ball. He ran at it hard, but palmed the ball gently.

He heard a collective gasp from the other side of the net, but it was too late. His plan had worked. The ball swiped the net and fell. They’d won the second set, and they were going to a third.

His teammates cheered and he found himself surrounded by people smacking him on the back or the shoulders. He relished it, feeling the community of the team before someone grabbed his wrist and pulled him away.

“Are you ok?” Wakatoshi asked, having pulled him over to the bench. He was now holding up his right hand, his fingers gently caressing his own as he examined it. Toru watched him, his brow knit with concentration and his eyes piercing as he carefully felt around the injured joint. It still stung, but he found himself completely distract watching Wakatoshi.

“Oikawa, are you ok?” The coach was there now too.

“What? Yeah, I think so,” he said, turning his attention back to his hand.

“Think you can stay in the game?” The coach asked.

“It’s not worth him injuring himself further,” Wakatoshi said sternly.

The coach however, looked at him rather than at Wakatoshi.

“I’d like to keep playing,” Toru said.

The coach nodded. “Wakatoshi, take care of him?”

Wakatoshi glared back at him, but nodded.

“Come here,” Wakatoshi said, leading him to the other end of the bench where the team first aid kit was kept. He pulled out a roll of tape and sat Toru down on the bench, kneeling on the ground in front of him.

Toru knew he was perfectly capable of taping his own hand, but there was something nice about being taken care of like this. Or at least he told himself that. If he was completely honest with himself, he liked the physical contact from Wakatoshi. He liked the feeling of their hands touching. In a way it reminded him of how Iwaizumi would take care of him, but in this case there was a much more powerful pull.

He watched as Wakatoshi stripped off the tape from the roll and carefully wound it around his ring and pinky finger, feeling the hard callouses of his hands against his own. His hands felt so small in Wakatoshi’s, and he had to hold himself back from simply grabbing the other’s hand and holding it.

“You sure about this?” Wakatoshi asked, catching him slightly off guard.

“Of course,” he said, recovering quickly. “I’m a setter, I deal with this kind of thing all the time.” It was in part a lie. Sure he’d played with sore fingers before, but it was unlike him, or anyone at his level rather, to succumb to an injury like this. He was far too experienced to let it happen. At least it had come from a block rather than a toss. He could take some comfort in that notion.

“We can take care of it properly later. If it gets worse, get off the court please. This is only an exhibition match,” he said quietly. “It’s not worth doing further damage.”

“Don’t worry,” Toru replied, grinning. “I’m a-ok.”

Wakatoshi gave him kind of a sideways look, and Toru mentally smacked himself. This was not Japan, and he was not talking to Iwaizumi. These were the thoughts plaguing his mind as the third set started. This was a different country, a different team, and he needed to be a different person if he wanted to make it work.

When Yamagata returned the first serve to him, his toss was off, and of course it was to Wakatoshi. He still managed to recover and make the spike, and it was likely that only he noticed how short it was. But Wakatoshi glared daggers back at him as if seeing right through his crumbling façade in that instant, and Toru had to mentally shake himself back to reality.

Even if he needed to be a different person, he did not need to be a different player. This was the one place he could really and truly be himself. And that was why he wouldn’t sit out. Why he would play through the pain.

Wakatoshi served the next ball, and Toru was ready for the block, jumping at the perfect moment for a one touch, calling the play to his team. He kept the pain out of his words as he prepared himself for his next toss, a perfectly placed delayed attack to Tendou who buried it perfectly.

He deliberately kept his eyes away from Wakatoshi’s, but he could feel the approval reverberating across the court.

About five points in however, Toru began to feel like his energy was waning. All of the sleepless nights and lack of food were catching up to him. The other team’s intensity picked up, and they seemed to be running him like they’d noticed he was falling apart. With every jump he made, he found it harder to pull himself back up from his crouched landing position, and his knee seemed to be protesting as though it was in competition with his injured finger.

Twice more Wakatoshi asked him if he was ok. The second time he nearly swore a colorful one at him, but he bit his tongue and channeled the energy into his play.

Their opponents now had a three person block on Wakatoshi almost constantly, the trail of it closely following Tendou as well. He took the opportunity when Yamagata returned a high one to him to smash the ball down himself, letting a triumphant cry wrack his body despite the pain burning through his hand. He couldn’t feel it.

They won the final set 27-25. Wakatoshi scored the winning point off of a nice toss from Toru. And it felt nothing like a practice match.

They had asserted their dominance early, and hopefully it would shine through their season.

The team’s on court celebration was short lived, as they quickly lined up and shook the other team’s hands, Toru awkwardly offering his left hand as he held his injured hand close to his chest. They’d gone after him enough, and he’d quickly found that American players were nowhere near as respectful as his Japanese opponents, and he wouldn’t put it past them to purposely injure him further given the chance.

It was the first time he’d spent anytime in the locker room with his teammates after as well. The coach gave them a heavy pep talk afterwards, making Toru question to himself whether they’d really won or not. Tendou leaned over and whispered that this was normal; the coach always had something to critique. “It’s the only way we’ll improve,” Tendou had said.

“No partying tonight guys, practice early tomorrow. Save the celebrations for the regular season,” the coach said taking his leave.

Several players groaned, but Toru wasn’t bothered. He really just wanted to go home and crash.

“Come by my place for a bit?” Wakatoshi said quietly to him. Once again, it sounded more like a demand than a question.

And so he found himself following Wakatoshi up the stairs in the building not five minutes from the gymnasium. It wasn’t a student housing building, but an apartment building just off the edge of campus.

The building was nice. It wasn’t luxurious or anything, but it certainly wasn’t run down. It had that secure feeling like at one time, it was probably top of the line, but those days were long past. The walls were a warm cream colour, and the lights were bright making it feel like day was still upon them.

Wakatoshi’s place was on the top floor, half way down the hall. He unlocked the door and flicked on the light, and Toru found himself in an immaculately clean kitchen, one that looked almost staged. Everything had a place, whether on a shelf or hung perfectly in a row in the wall. There was a fruit basket and a pastry shelf next to several small appliances, which were stacked neatly on a shelf that looked like it was made for them.

“Wow,” Toru said, his jaw nearly touching the ground in awe.

“My sister is a designer. She lived here until she moved in with her boyfriend last year, then I got the place as is,” he explained, dropping his keys on a hook next to the door.

“It’s so clean though. Did you move in yesterday?”

“I like a tidy apartment,” he said, placing his backpack in the closet and closing the door. He kicked off his shoes, placed them on a neatly laced shoe rack, then headed for the fridge.

“Want a beer?” He asked, holding out a bottle of domestic beer to him.

“I’m underage,” Toru stated after staring at it for a second.

“So?” Wakatoshi said.

“I’m ok for now,” Toru said, immediately feeling judged. He’d heard that drinking was a big thing for university students in America, but it wasn’t something he’d ever done before, and the last thing he wanted was to lose his cool in front of Wakatoshi.

Wakatoshi shrugged and closed the fridge, twisting the cap off his beer on his shirt. “Suit yourself. You know where they are if you change your mind.”

Toru nodded, finally dropping his bag around the corner, on the other side of the wall where it wouldn’t look so out of place.

“I’m going for a smoke, then I’d like to look at that hand of yours,” Wakatoshi said.

The sliding glass door aligned itself perfectly across from the small two person dining room table, and it was currently covered by tasteful brown curtains that pulled aside with the tug of a golden rope. Wakatoshi did just that, and grabbed a pack of cigarettes sitting on the counter.

Toru stared around the room for a minute, taking in his surroundings and attempting to center himself. It was a lot to take in.

Finally he followed Wakatoshi outside. It was dark outside, and the cold stung despite his team jacket which he had yet to take off. He could hear the rain coming down now, but it wasn’t hitting the balcony. There was no light outside except for a small amount pouring out from inside, and the light at the end of the cigarette that glowed with each breath Wakatoshi took. The smell was all too familiar to Toru. So many people in Japan smoked compared to America.

“I’ve never seen you smoke before,” he commented.

“Nope, and you won’t see it much. I only smoke after a win.”

“Interesting…” Toru said, waiting for him to fill in the blanks.

“I smoked a lot in my first year. It wasn’t good for my training, so I quit. Now I only allow myself one cigarette after each win. It’s been a few months since my last,” he said, taking a deep drag on the cigarette. “And no, I’m not going to offer you one,” he said, grinning at Toru.

Toru remained quiet as he heard the slosh of beer in the bottle. It was an odd picture. A nearly professional volleyball player binging on alcohol and tobacco. But it didn’t show. Wakatoshi was a force to be reckoned with on the court, and he took his training seriously. He wondered what Iwaizumi would have to say about him.

“Let’s go look at your hand,” Wakatoshi said, putting the butt of his cigarette out in an ashtray next to the door. He drained the last few drops from his bottle and placed it on the counter as he slid the door shut behind him. “Take a seat,” he said, gesturing to his small dinner table.

Toru did as he was told, and watched as Wakatoshi left the room, returning less than a minute later with a bright orange first aid kit. He stopped at the fridge on his way back and picked up another beer.

Wakatoshi washed his hands then took the seat across from Toru and held out his hand. Toru felt his heart rate quicken instantly as he offered his sore right hand.

“Your fingers are so delicate,” Wakatoshi commented as he began peeling off the layers of tape, his right hand gently cradling Toru’s right while he worked with his dominant left. “Does this happen a lot?”

“Not really, more when I was a kid,” he replied honestly. But it was true, his hands felt almost feminine in Wakatoshi’s, the latter having hands much larger and thicker than his own. He knew his hands, like the rest of him, weren’t exactly manly. Sure he had good height and broad shoulders, but he was slender, and he’d always been told he had fragile looking hands. But despite their size, they had always been strong. He’d been a setter for over ten years, and he knew his body wasn’t weak.

“It’s swelling at the lower interphalangeal joint, but it doesn’t look too bad. Can you bend it?” Wakatoshi asked; Toru’s hands now free of the tape. He tried, and he could.

“Yeah a bit, but it hurts,” Toru said, biting his lower lip against the pain. It wasn’t unbearable, and he’d had much worse, but it still didn’t feel good.

“Alright, I’m going to splint it, and I think if you ice it you should be good to go in a day or two,” Wakatoshi said, pulling a short mental splint and a roll of tape from the bag. “But you probably shouldn’t practice tomorrow.”

Toru looked up at him helplessly, Wakatoshi’s attention focused fully on the task of taping the joint. There was nothing he hated more than missing practice. It felt like valuable time wasted.

Wakatoshi could apparently sense his panic, despite not looking up at him. “The season hasn’t even started yet. You can’t ruin yourself practicing yet,” he said.

“Are you implying that I can ruin myself later?” Toru asked, the words coming out before he could stop them.

Wakatoshi looked up at him, looking surprised. He paused what he was doing and reached for the bottle in front of him, but Toru beat him to it. He took a large gulp of the amber liquid in front of him, and nearly squealed mid sip as Wakatoshi squeezed his hand.

“I thought you didn’t want to drink,” Wakatoshi said as Toru handed the bottle back to him.

“Changed my mind,” Toru said.

Wakatoshi took the bottle back and finished it.

“Hold still,” he said, gently putting Toru’s hand down on the table, the roll of tape still attached. He stood up and headed for the fridge, returning with two bottles this time, popping both caps and placing one in front of Toru.

“To the win,” Wakatoshi said, holding his own drink up to Toru to cheers.

“And my own personal doctor,” Toru grinned. He had no idea what had gotten into him as he touched the bottle to Wakatoshi’s and took a long sip. He felt his face twist in disgust; he really didn’t like the taste of beer. But that was irrelevant right now.

“Not a fan?” Wakatoshi asked, picking up his hand once more.

“Of the taste? Is anyone?”

“Maybe I should have fed you wine,” Wakatoshi said, an uncharacteristic grin crossing his face. “Then you’d really have something to be disgusted by.”

“I actually don’t mind wine,” Toru said honestly. He’d never done much drinking, but when he’d sipped on friends’ wine, he’d actually liked it.

“I have some. Do you want it?” Wakatoshi asked, eyeing him again.

“No, this is good,” Toru said, taking another big sip of the beer and feeling his inhibitions falling away.

He watched closely as Wakatoshi finished taping the splint to his finger, enjoying the physical contact.

“I’m going to get you an ice pack, but take the splint off tomorrow morning. I just want to bring down the swelling. Tomorrow you can just buddy tape it, and assuming the swelling has gone down, you can move it around. It’ll get really stiff if you leave it completely immobile like this.”

“Thanks,” Toru said was Wakatoshi got up once again, this time returning with a soft ice pack and a towel.

He expected him to simply hand him the ice pack, but he didn’t. He held his hand out once again, taking Toru’s hand and wrapping it with the ice, continuing to hold his hand.

“Your hands are so delicate,” he said once again, but this time his voice was softer, and his eyes didn’t leave Toru’s hand.

“I know,” Toru replied quietly, offering his other hand. Wakatoshi took it, gently running his fingers up and down Toru’s, running them along the back of his hand to his wrist as Toru felt his eyes closing at the sensation.

“And so soft,” Wakatoshi mumbled, clasping his hand over Toru’s. He looked up at him and met his eye.

And then not a second later Wakatoshi had lunged across the table and was kissing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please excuse the *ahem* cliffhanger.  
> I feel like it's finally coming together, and things will be moving a little more steadily from here on out. Thank you for bearing with me!
> 
> A huge thank you to those of you who commented and left kudos. You all motivate me to keep writing <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this angst or fluff? I appear to have lost the ability to differentiate. Anyway, enjoy.

Chapter 3

A small moan of surprise escaped Toru’s lips before he realized what was happening. But then he was kissing back. And it was like nothing he’d ever experienced before.

Wakatoshi tasted of beer and a hint tobacco, but he was controlling, almost commanding the way his tongue found it’s way around Toru’s mouth, guiding his own on a journey that Toru couldn’t resist.

He relaxed into the sensation, his eyes closing and his breath finally evening out. Wakatoshi’s hand found it’s way around the back of his neck, gently brushing the edge of his hair line and stimulating ever nerve attached to his spinal cord, every one seemingly attached directly between his legs.

He felt his breathing pick up again as he leaned forward, but Wakatoshi pulled away, leaving him desperate for more.

“…Toshi…” the name fell off of his lips as their eyes locked. He felt entirely exposed, every inch of him completely vulnerable to the man in front of him.

“I’m sorry,” Wakatoshi said, wiping his lips on the back of his hand.

“No, don’t be.” Toru wasn’t sure where his voice had gone, as it sounded more like a squeak than actual words. “Are you…?”

“No,” he said quickly, “I mean… I never thought so before…”

“Before what?” Toru asked, regaining some of his composure as well as his ability to form proper words.

“I’m straight,” Wakatoshi finally said.

“Oh,” Toru said, unable to hide the disappointment in his voice.

“And yet, somehow I’m attracted to you…”

“So maybe you’re bi – ”

“No. I’m straight,” Wakatoshi insisted stubbornly. But the look in his eyes seemed to want to tell Toru otherwise.

He wasn’t sure what to say. He’d never hidden who he really was, but a part of him could understand why someone like him might.

He was saved from having to answer by his phone. It was ringing loudly.

He pulled it out of his pocket.

TERI TSUKISHIMA

“It’s my host mom. One sec,” Toru said.

“Hello?”

“Toru where are you? I’ve been texting you!” She sounded moderately frantic.

“I’m at a teammate’s house. I’ll be home soon. I’ll grab the next bus,” he said, deciding it was definitely a good time to take his leave.

“It’s pouring rain. I’m sending Kei to pick you up. Can you text him the address?”

“That really isn’t necessary.”

“Just send him the address please,” she said. Her words were final.

“Ok. Thanks.”

He hung up the phone, and he looked up to find Wakatoshi with two more beers in his hand.

“I’m getting picked up,” Toru said, firing a quick text to Kei, giving him the directions from the University.

“Better drink up then,” Wakatoshi said, placing the open beer in front of him. The last one wasn’t even finished, and he was definitely feeling the buzz now.

Toru did what he was told, appreciating the liquid courage. He finished his previous beer and took a large gulp from the next one.

“So… what just happened then…” Toru said as more a statement to fill in the blanks rather than a question.

“Look,” Wakatoshi said, sipping his beer again, “I’m going to be a professional athlete.” His words were full of confidence, as though there was absolutely no doubt in his mind that it was going to happen. “I can’t have that label attached to me. You understand that, right?”

“Yeah,” Toru said automatically, though he’d honestly never really thought about it.

“But… what just happened there. I liked it. And I would like for it to happen again, as long as you are comfortable with keeping it on the down low.”

“The down low…” he repeated, not entirely familiar with English slang.

“Keep it a secret,” he repeated.

“Oh, yeah I guess so.”

His phone vibrated in his pocket. Kei was obviously here.

He picked up his beer and drained it, not at all noticing the bitterness anymore. “So now what?”

“Nothing,” Wakatoshi said, “we carry on with life.”

“Oh, ok,” Toru said, trying to hide his disappointment. He didn’t really know what he wanted, but he wanted more than nothing. So this would have to do, right?

He stood up, and Wakatoshi pulled him into a hug. “Don’t worry,” he said, “things will work out the way they should.” And he was kissing him again, in the same authoritative manner. But just as Toru was about to give himself to it, Wakatoshi pulled away.

“Get home safe,” he said, heading to the door and opening it for Toru.

“Thanks,” Toru mumbled, picking up his things.

“See you tomorrow morning.”

“Bye,” Toru said, and the door was closed behind him – with more force than he’d been expecting.

He began walking down the hall, trying to gauge where he was and remember where the stairs were. Twice he had to steady himself on the wall, though he was not sure if this was a direct result of the alcohol or the encounter he’d just had. He paused as he found the top of the stairs, digging in his bag for his water bottle. Upon finding it, he quickly downed the entire thing, hoping it would combat some of the alcohol. But he found it really just made him need to pee.

He stuffed the empty bottle back in his bag, smacking his sore finger on one of his books and swearing out loud. He’d completely forgotten about it, the pain having been dulled by the alcohol.

He made his way to the ground floor and out the door to find that it was indeed pouring rain. He glanced around the street corner that he’d told Kei to meet him at, and found one car parked on the side of the road across the street with headlights on. He couldn’t see the color of the car, but he figured it must be him. He jogged out into the street, approaching cautiously until he confirmed that it was Kei.

“Hurry up,” Kei said as he opened the door. “You’re getting water in the car. Jesus you’re soaked,” he said as Toru slammed the door.

“No shit,” Toru said.

“What happened to you?” Kei asked, catching Toru completely off guard.

“What do you mean?” Was it that easy to tell he an emotional wreck?

“What did you do to your hand?” He said, nodding at Toru’s hand, still on the door.

“Oh right, bad block,” Toru said quickly. “It’s fine.”

“I heard you guys won,” Kei said.

“Yeah?”

“Are you drunk?” Kei asked, putting the car in gear.

“No,” Toru lied. He felt a bit better since the water, but his head was still spinning.

“You reek of beer. Mom’s not gonna like that.”

“Shit, really?”

“Here,” Kei said, pulling a pack of gum from the center consol. “She doesn’t usually notice if she can’t smell it. But shit how much did you drink? Were you at a party?”

“Something like that,” Toru muttered, popping two pieces of gum into his mouth.

“What’s the drinking age in – ” He paused for a second, and Toru thought for sure he was going to say China again. “Where you’re from?” He continued.

“The drinking age in _Japan_ is 20, but it’s not a very strict law,” Toru explained, emphasizing the name of the country. “I hear it’s stricter here.”

“Yeah you can’t buy drinks if you’re underage. And you can get fined for giving drinks to a minor,” Kei said. His voice was more relaxed than Toru had ever heard it, almost like he’d forgotten his personal declaration of war between them.

“So your parents don’t let you drink?” Toru asked.

“No, but I still go to parties, and I think they know it. They just kind of ignore it. Are yours ok with it?”

“I don’t know. I never drank in Japan. Too busy with Volleyball.”

“Well aren’t you special. So what happened tonight? Did you give into peer pressure?” Kei teased. Toru couldn’t tell if he was joking or if he was actually malicious. He didn’t think he could deal with either right now.

“I don’t know. Haven’t had dinner,” Toru mumbled. “Drinks hit me hard. Is your Mom going to be pissed at me?”

He was beginning to feel sick. His stomach was growling and sputtering at the same time. He felt dizzy and cold. He wished Wakatoshi had just let him crash at his place so he wouldn’t have to face his host mother in his wretched state. He pressed his aching forehead to the cool glass of the window, and he heard Kei sigh loudly.

Kei turned the car suddenly, pulling off the road and into a parking lot.

“I’m only doing this for you once. I’ve warned you now, so don’t let it happen again.” Kei said.

Toru looked out the window to see a shopping complex with several restaurants and fast food joints.

“What do you want?” Kei asked.

Toru glanced around, wanting to tell Kei to shove his condescending kindness up his ass, but the sandwich shop was calling to him, and he quickly opened the car door and stumbled out.

“What the hell…” Kei said, as he’d hardly stopped the car.

Toru slammed the door shut behind him and made his way to the door. The place was empty, and Toru stared up at the sign covered with all kinds of tasty looking sandwiches. And the best part was that they weren’t all covered in grease.

He chose one and watched as the clerk made it, asking what vegetables and sauces he wanted. But when he went to pay, he realized he’d left his wallet in his bag.

“Shit,” he muttered, patting his pockets. “One second.”

He turned to head back outside, but nearly collided with Kei as he handed the man his own credit card.

“You owe me,” Kei said to him.

The clerk stared between the two of them, but Kei quickly gave him a dirty look and the man processed the payment.

“For here or to go?” The clerk asked.

Toru glanced back at Kei.

“For here,” Kei replied, not missing a beat, despite the fact that he was now texting away on his phone.

Toru received his sandwich and Kei lead him over to a table in the corner. Kei sat against the wall, continuing to text on his phone.

Toru stared at his sandwich, thinking about how he’d been told to lose his baby fat, and battling against the growling of his stomach and nausea in his head. He knew he needed to eat, but somehow being hungry made him feel like he was doing something about the problem.

“Are you planning on eating that?” Kei asked, looking up from his phone, his right eyebrow raised.

Toru quickly took a bite, that the fact that Kei was watching him, attempting to save him from his host mom’s wrath winning out against his body image issues. He would worry about that later.

He continued to nibble slowly on the sandwich, wishing he’d ordered something a bit leaner than the cold cut trio he’d asked for. He thought back to when he was in high school, after he’d hurt himself and couldn’t play. He’d been depressed, and had found it extremely difficult to eat to the point where the doctor thought he had an ulcer. He remembered dropping nearly 6 kgs, and liking the way his skin clung to his bones and his muscles. Once he started playing again, he’d put the weight back on and he managed to push it from his mind until someone said something to him or touched his stomach. He hated being shirtless or seeing himself in the mirror, feeling like he’d gained too much weight. And now that someone had brought up his weight again, he found himself growing very self-conscious about it. He knew he should be eating better and keeping his energy up, but it was too easy to forget or to be too busy to eat.

Deciding he was too hungry and too drunk to care at this point, he finished the second half of the sandwich very quickly. His stomach felt better, but he still felt sick.

“Feel better?” Kei asked.

“Yeah, thanks,” he said, the thanks sounding much more effortless than it actually had been. Or rather, would have been if he was sober.

“Ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Toru said, his mind swimming again, but he didn’t feel as drunk.

They remained as quiet on the drive home as they’d been in the restaurant. Toru had nothing to say, and his foggy mind kept him from putting any ideas together on which to speak of. He felt sick, but it was less now in his stomach than it was in his mind.

Kei pulled into the driveway, and it wasn’t until he opened his own door that Toru realized they were home.

He quickly snapped back to it, opening his door and nearly falling out of the car. Kei glanced at him sideways, but said nothing. Toru picked up his bag and followed Kei into the house.

“You guys made it, I was worried,” Teri said.

Toru was grateful that she didn’t hug them, as he figured she’d probably still smell the alcohol.

“Yep,” Kei said obviously.

“Toru how was your game?” She asked.

“It was good, but I’m exhausted,” He said, pulling his sleeve down over his right hand, not wanting to spare any words explaining the minor injury.

“I heard you won.”

“We did.”

“And you got something to eat?”

“Yeah.”

She watched him for a moment, as though waiting for him to carry the conversation like he’d been doing lately. But he had nothing.

“I really need a shower,” he said honestly to her.

“Are you ok?” She asked.

“Fine. Just tired,” he said, trying to make himself sound believable. If his face displayed any of what he felt however, his words wouldn’t be very convincing.

She watched him a moment longer, kind of how Kei had done earlier. He cursed the Tsukishima’s and their subtle care.

“Alright, have a good sleep,” she finally said.

“Thanks. Goodnight.”

Toru headed upstairs, dumping his things on his bed then went straight for the bathroom.

He still felt sick, and he wondered if he was going to throw up that entire sandwich. If he did, would it be such a bad thing? He wouldn’t be packing on the extra calories from it if he did throw up.

He dragged himself up onto the counter, pulling his knees to his chest and buried his head in them.

He wished he’d turned the light off, but if Kei walked by he’d think it was weird.

His stomach tossed and churned, and he felt like the booze might finally be winning, and he climbed off the counter and sat in front of the toilet.

Would Teri and Ken hear him? What would Kei think?

He flipped the toilet seat up and sat there, waiting to see if it would come. But the feeling seemed to fade slowly.

Finally he got up and turned on the shower. If it was coming, no one else needed to know.

And in an instant, he made a decision. It was coming.

He pulled his toothbrush down off the counter, flipped it so the bristles were facing up, and put it in his mouth, expertly brushing the top of his palate. It took a couple of tries, but he finally triggered his gag reflex, and he heaved several times, emptying his stomach. Even after the horrible mess was in the toilet in front of him, he continued to dry heave. The smell was awful, and it made him continue to wretch as he tasted bile.

But the deed was done. The majority of the unprocessed alcohol had come up, and the sandwich was gone. He felt in part guilty for wasting Kei’s money, but it had served its purpose. He’d survived the ride home without puking, and he’d made it upstairs without Teri realizing how messed up he was. And now he didn’t need to feel guilty about how much he’d eaten.

It was the right thing to do. His trainer would be satisfied he was losing the fat, and he would work extra hard in the weight room this week to put on weight properly.

 

 

After a long shower, Toru laid in bed staring up at the dark ceiling. As usual, regardless of how tired he was, he couldn’t fall asleep. The cat was next to him again, snoring as though mocking the fact that she was asleep and he wasn’t. He was huddled under his blankets, but he was still cold.

Kei had texted him telling him to leave his window open so the room wouldn’t reek of stale alcohol in the morning. That was all well and good, but he was always cold at night even when the window was closed.

He figured he’d probably sobered up by now, yet his head continued to swim. But despite the feeling of drowning in his own thoughts, one image in particular continued to appear on the surface of the dark pool. The image of Wakatoshi’s face as they were kissing. And he couldn’t get it out of his head.

He’d known that he was gay for a long time. He’d never had a real boyfriend before, and he’d never really had anyone take interested in him. And now Wakatoshi had. He’d 100% been the one who had kissed Toru. He was obviously interested. And yet there had to be a plot twist. That’s how it always was for him.

He hadn’t come to terms with his own sexuality. Or maybe he was telling the truth and he was bisexual, he just hadn’t realized it yet. But of course he was in the closet.

All Toru wanted was a guy who would treat him well. He didn’t need to be spoiled or babied or taken care of. But he needed someone who he could hold hands with and kiss in public. Or at least he thought.

He tossed and turned and shivered and groaned and hurt and cried until he fell into a dark and dream-filled sleep which entailed more of the same. By the time his alarm went, he felt like crawling into a hole and never coming out.

It appeared whatever cold or flu he’d been fighting off for the past week and a half had finally hit him. His nose was stuffy, his head was aching and he was freezing cold to the point that he was shivering. He found his throat was also horribly soar and even his neck hurt. Practice today was going to be rough.

He headed downstairs, still in his pajamas and poured himself a coffee, hoping it might help him perk up a bit, then took some yogurt from the fridge.

“Toru you look terrible, are you ok?” Teri asked upon entering the room.

“I think I – ” He tried to respond, but it came out as barely more than a whisper, and holy hell did his throat hurt.

“You lost your voice? Were you yelling a lot last night?” She asked, looking concerned.

He shook his head. “I think I have some kind of flu,” he said, his voice barely audible. His pained expression must have shown through, because Teri went full on Mom mode on him next.

“You’re burning up,” she said, placing her hand on his forehead. “I think we should take you to the clinic.”

“I shouldn’t miss practice,” he whispered.

“I don’t think you’re in any state to be leaving the house let alone playing volleyball, let’s take you to the doctor and see what they say, ok?”

He couldn’t exactly argue. She was probably right. Still, he felt bad missing practice.

“Go upstairs and get dressed. We’ll leave in about ten minutes.”

He nodded again, taking another painful sip of coffee before abandoning it and heading upstairs.

Still freezing cold, he changed into sweat pants and his warmest hoody. He headed for the bathroom where he stripped the tape off his fingers just as Wakatoshi had told him to. He flexed the injured finger a bit and found it felt much better than it had yesterday. Too bad he couldn’t play today anyway. He sighed, staring at his contact lens case, finally deciding it wasn’t worth the struggle with his tired and swollen eyes and grabbing his glasses.

He quickly brushed his teeth and retrieved a jacket from his bedroom before heading back downstairs to wait for Teri.

“Cold?” She asked, seeing him pull his jacket tightly around himself.

He simply nodded.

Once in the car, he texted Wakatoshi explaining that he wouldn’t be at practice. He got the response he’d expected.

**Wakatoshi: Too much to drink last night?”**

He sighed and typed his reply.

**Toru: I’ve never had a hangover before, but I don’t think this is what it is supposed to be like. Will the Coach want a doctor’s note?**

**Wakatoshi: Probably if you’re going to miss more than just today.**

**Toru: Thanks.**

He really hoped he wasn’t going to need to miss anymore. He wanted to attend the evening practice tonight, but as of right now the idea of even being outside made him shiver. Teri cranked up the heat and smiled at him.

The clinic was relatively empty, probably because it was so early. When his name was called, Teri offered to go in with him, but he declined. Truth be told, if the doctor said he couldn’t play volleyball, he was planning to do it anyway, and he didn’t need her getting in the way.

He explained his symptoms as best he could, and waited patiently while the doctor listened to his heart, checked his ears, looked in his mouth and took his temperature.

“It appears to be some kind of viral infection, and your vocal chords are quite swollen, which is why it hurts to talk or swallow. We call this laryngitis. The best thing you can do is rest, and avoid talking as much as possible. You’re a student, correct?”

Toru nodded.

“It’d be best if you took at least today off, and if you feel up to it, you can return to classes tomorrow. You may be without your voice for a few days, but it should all clear up on its own with proper rest. Are you getting enough sleep?”

Toru didn’t respond, given that he wasn’t supposed to be talking.

“Are you having trouble sleeping?” He asked.

Toru nodded at this.

“How long? You can talk, just keep it minimal.”

“A while. I can’t fall asleep or stay asleep.”

“I’m going to prescribe you a sleeping pill, use it at least until you get over this bug.”

Toru nodded.

“Other than that, just drink plenty of liquids, maybe pick up some cough medicine, and try to de-stress a bit. Come back and see me if you’re not feeling better in a couple of weeks, k?”

Toru nodded again, taking the piece of paper with the prescription from him.

“You have a parent with you?”

He nodded.

“I’ll come out with you and explain everything so you don’t have to.”

Teri took him to the pharmacy after, buying him everything from cold medicine and his sleeping pills to tea, soup, an electric blanket and new socks. He felt bad; he could tell she felt partially responsible for all this, given that it was her home he’d been unable to sleep in. He wished she wouldn’t. It was his own anxiety more than anything else that was killing him.

After that they went home and Toru crawled back into bed, still feeling absolutely awful. He managed to swallow a couple of the cold and flu pills they’d bought, and after making sure he had everything he needed, Teri headed out to work.

He tried to sleep, but of course he couldn’t. Then he pulled out his textbook and tried to read, but it only made his headache worse. He turned on his new electric blanket to try to get warm, which worked for about ten minutes before he started to overheat and he began sweating profusely and even after stripping off all his blankest and clothes, he couldn’t cool down. He dragged his aching body into the shower and turned on the cold water, and finally returned to freezing cold.

Fevers were really the worst.

He climbed back into bed and bundled himself back in the blankets. Even though he was cold and shivering, he was sweating and he felt disgusting. Those sleeping pills were beginning to look mighty tempting, though he knew how horrible they’d be for his sleep schedule. It would have to wait for tonight.

He was staring up at the ceiling when his phone began to ring, making him jump. He grabbed it off the headboard and found Iwaizumi’s face staring back at him. He declined the call and opened his texting app. Iwaizumi’s message came in first.

**Iwaizumi: Sorry are you in class?**

**Oikawa: No, I’m home sick.**

**Iwaizumi: Then pick up idiot**

**Oikawa: I can’t talk**

**Iwaizumi: Um why? You busy?**

**Oikawa: No I mean I literally can’t talk. I lost my voice.**

**Iwaizumi: Shit that bad?**

**Oikawa: Doc said no talking for a couple of days.**

**Iwaizumi: I can’t believe you waited till you were on the other side of the planet to shut up. I would love to be with you while you’re not allowed to talk.**

**Oikawa: Mean Iwa-chan**

**Iwaizumi: I bet you’re not handling that very well**

**Oikawa: I just woke up like this this morning.**

**Iwaizumi: So why’d you get sick? You’re not taking care of yourself again are you?**

**Oikawa: Of course I am.**

**Iwaizumi: Give me one reason I should believe that. You’re probably staying up all night watching volleyball videos and practicing too late.**

**Oikawa: Am not!**

**Iwaizumi: So then what gives?**

Toru paused. He was going to get scolded no matter what he said. He hadn’t told Iwaizumi that he wasn’t sleeping well. He didn’t feel the need to worry him. And now that he had sleeping pills it shouldn’t be as much of a problem.

**Oikawa: People get sick you know…**

**Iwaizumi: Fine.**

**Oikawa: What’s up with you?**

**Iwaizumi: Played our first game last night.**

**Oikawa: How’d it go? How’s your new setter?**

**Iwaizumi: We won, but I twisted my ankle in the last set.**

**Oikawa: Now who isn’t taking care of themselves?**

**Iwaizumi: Acute injuries are different than overuse injuries idiot**

**Oikawa: So hostile. You ok?**

**Iwaizumi: Yeah should be fine in a few days. The new setter is an idiot. He’s aggressive and accurate with his tosses, but he thinks he’s the only one doing any thinking out there.**

**Oikawa: Aw so you miss me?**

**Iwaizumi: I miss your setting. Not the rest of you.**

**Iwaizumi: Though now that you can’t talk…**

**Oikawa: SO MEAN!**

Another window popped up at the top indicating a new message from another user.

**Wakatoshi: How you feeling?**

**Toru: Like trash**

**Wakatoshi: So not a hangover?**

**Toru: No**

**Wakatoshi: Feel like a visitor?**

Toru shot up in bed. The last thing he needed was for the guy he liked to see him in this state. But he’d sound like a jerk if he said no.

**Toru: Don’t you have class?**

**Wakatoshi: I’m done till practice.**

**Toru: Oh k. Sure. But I can’t talk… apparently I have laryngitis.**

**Wakatoshi: No problem. I’m outside.**

Shit shit shit shit! He was in no way ready to see Wakatoshi. He knew he looked disgusting and he probably smelled terrible. Not to mention he was wearing his glasses, which he swore to never let anyone outside of his house see. He’d already broken his rule once today, and it wasn’t going to happen again.

**Toru: I kind of need a shower…**

**Wakatoshi: Because I’ve never seen you sweaty before?**

**Toru: Good point. Give me a minute to get dressed at least.**

**Wakatoshi: Take your time.**

Toru dragged himself out of bed as fast as his protesting body would allow. He picked up a clean pair of sweat pants, a t-shirt and a sweater before heading into the bathroom. He dressed himself and brushed his teeth before switching his glasses for his contacts. His hair was a disaster, completely flat on one side and sticking up at odd angles everywhere else. He sighed and left the bathroom.

He could feel himself shivering as he took the stairs two at a time, feeling his head spin and steadying himself on the railing. He finally got to the door and unlocked it. Wakatoshi was sitting in a car on the curb.

“Hey,” Wakatoshi said, hurrying up the front steps.

Toru waved to him awkwardly.

“Anyone else home?” Wakatoshi asked, closing the door behind him.

Toru shook his head in response.

“You look terrible,” Wakatoshi said, holding the back of his hand up to Toru’s forehead.

Toru stuck his tongue out at him and pulled his phone out of his pocket.

_What did you want to do?_

“Doesn’t matter. What were you doing before I got here?”

 _Nothing_ , he typed in response.

“Do you want to watch a movie or something?”

Toru nodded, and lead Wakatoshi into the living room.

“I have my laptop, or do you have something we can watch on the TV?”

 _I don’t know how to use the TV. Let’s watch on your computer,_ he typed as the two sat down. On the same couch.

“Sounds good,” Wakatoshi said.

 _I’m going to find a blanket,_ Toru typed, jumping off the couch and leaving the phone in his spot. He came back to find Wakatoshi sitting on the couch with his laptop open on his lap and a movie website open.

“Cold?”

Toru nodded.

“Hey let’s see your hand,” Wakatoshi said, holding out his hand for Toru’s.

Toru complied, his hand feeling warm in Toru’s cold palm.

“The swellings gone down. Does it still hurt?”

He indicated ‘kind of’ with a hand motion, and Wakatoshi returned his attention to the finger, which hurt much less than yesterday, but was now showing a small amount of bruising.

“We can tape it if you play tomorrow.”

Toru nodded.

Wakatoshi let Toru pick the movie, and as it started and he huddled in his blanket shivering, Wakatoshi wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close to him, sharing his body heat.

Toru felt his heart rate pick up and he really hoped that Wakatoshi couldn’t feel it. He could blame the red face part on his illness.

Toru cuddled closer and Wakatoshi put his feet up and rested the computer on his knees. Despite the fact that he felt like garbage, he couldn’t remember a time since he’d arrived that he’d felt this happy.

At some point he must have fallen asleep, because he woke with a start. He was warm – too warm. And he was not alone. He was still cuddled up in the crook of Wakatoshi’s arm.

“How long did I – ” He attempted to say, but quickly realized nothing was coming out. His throat stung painfully as he caught himself and Wakatoshi put a single finger to his lips.

“Shh, don’t talk,” he said gently. “You slept for a little over an hour. Feel any better?”

Toru yawned painfully and gently rubbed his eyelids, his eyes feeling extremely dry as they always did when he fell asleep with his contacts. He knew they needed to come out or he was going to start tearing up. He sat up, missing Wakatoshi’s warmth when he realized he was covered in a cold sweat again.

How embarrassing! He needed to get upstairs.

He made to stand up, but his head had other ideas.

He felt dizzy, and the room around him begain to spin. Then everything went black.

 

“Toru. Toru you ok? Can you hear me?”

Not now. Not when he felt like he was finally getting some sleep.

“Hey, Toru! Snap out of it!”

His eyes flickered open, still painfully dry, and locked on Wakatoshi. His brow was heavy with concern.

He blinked several times. Had he fallen asleep again? He was lying flat on his back on the couch with Wakatoshi kneeling beside him.

“You fainted,” Wakatoshi informed him.

“Wha – ?” He opened his mouth to say, only to find that once again, he had no voice.

“Don’t’ talk,” Wakatoshi said, placing two fingers over Toru’s lips. Fuck he still couldn’t talk. This was getting really annoying.

He clenched his eyes tight, and pulled his elbow back beneath him in attempt to sit up.

“Whoaa slowly,” Wakatoshi said, his hand finding Toru’s shoulder to brace it, obviously in case he passed out again. His head was pounding and he felt super dizzy, but he managed to sit up.

“You ok?” Wakatoshi asked.

Toru put his hand to his forehead, and gave a thumbs up, feeling that if he nodded he might cry out in pain. He’d never had a headache so bad.

“Hang on, I’m going to get you some water.”

Wakatoshi returned immediately, a glass of water in hand.

“Drink it. All of it,” he said, handing it to him.

Toru tried, but his throat protested, and he felt his face twist in pain as he managed to get about half of it down.

“Still feel dizzy? Give me a thumbs up or down.”

Thumbs up.

“Headache?”

Rampant thumbs up.

“Have you been drinking water?”

Hesitant thumbs down.

“Have you eaten anything?”

No response, he simply looked Wakatoshi guiltily in the eye.

He looked around for his phone, needing to explain that his throat hurt too badly to eat or drink much. Wakatoshi seemed to understand, putting his own phone in Toru’s hand, the note pad app opened.

“That’s not an excuse, Toru,” Wakatoshi said, a hint of annoyance in his voice.

He typed that there was a bunch of cold medicine in the kitchen, and Wakatoshi got up to go find it.

Toru managed to swallow a couple of pills and a mouthful of syrup before Wakatoshi finally let him attempt to stand, though he insisted on following him upstairs and waiting outside of the bathroom.

He decided he’d rather be blind for now until Wakatoshi left, rather than being seen in his glasses. Wakatoshi would need to be heading out to volleyball soon, so he wouldn’t need to worry about it for long.

Wakatoshi dragged him downstairs, shadowing him carefully, obviously expecting him to collapse again. Once he had him sitting on the couch, laptop across his lap and watching old episodes of the x-files, Wakatoshi announced that he was going to find him something to eat.

Toru snatched up his phone and checked the time. He quickly grabbed Wakatoshi’s wrist before he could leave and began typing.

_Don’t you need to leave for practice?_

“I’m not leaving you alone after you just fainted. I’ll wait till someone gets home,” Wakatoshi said, standing up and heading for the kitchen, ignoring the fact that Toru had clearly wanted to protest.

“Want anything specific?” Wakatoshi asked him, hanging his head out of the kitchen, staring at Toru. At least he looked like he was staring – he really couldn’t see well without his glasses. Toru stared back blankly, hoping his expression would remind him that even if he did have a preference, he couldn’t voice it.

“There’s a bunch of soup here,” Wakatoshi said, glancing back into the kitchen. “Are they yours?”

Toru nodded once in response, his head still spinning.

“Which one do you want?” Wakatoshi asked.

Another blank stare.

“Right, ok well I’m going to make you chicken noodle. Everyone likes that.”

Toru had never had it, but it sounded fine. He stared back at the computer screen in front of him, making out most of what was going on. He could see better close up, but still not well. Luckily he’d seen this episode at least ten times, so he knew most of it from memory.

He at least knew it well enough to know that when he heard the sound of a lock click, it was not to be mixed up with the show. He heard quiet voices, most likely Kei and someone else, but Wakatoshi was not one of them.

His question was soon answered as Kei entered the living room, followed by a tall dark haired boy whose face was covered with freckles.

“Um, Toru, can you explain why the captain of the varsity volleyball team, poster boy for our school’s athletics department is in our kitchen making chicken noodle soup?”

Kei’s friend started to giggle as Toru opened his mouth to reply, quickly remembering he wasn’t allowed to talk.

“He’s not allowed to talk,” Wakatoshi said, returning to the room with a bowl of soup on a plate complete with crackers and spoon.

“Right, my mom did tell me that,” Kei said.

Toru watched the encounter in front of him nervously. There was no doubt that Wakatoshi had heard what Kei had said, and he wasn’t sure if Wakatoshi would snap back first or if Kei would make some snide remark about Wakatoshi playing nursemaid or something to that effect. He was all too well aware that Wakatoshi was _not_ ok with being seen in any way homosexual.

The worst part was that Toru couldn’t even jump in to quell the flames if necessary.

“You must be the host brothers?” Wakatoshi asked, having put the bowl of soup down in front of Toru.

“I’m Kei, this is my friend Tadashi,” Kei said, offering his hand in a remarkably good-natured way. Toru hadn’t thought that Kei had a friendly cell in his body, but he supposed he _had_ helped him last night.

“Wakatoshi,” he said in response, shaking both their hands. “I came by to drop some things off for Toru. He fainted about half an hour ago and I didn’t want to leave him unsupervised.”

“What? You fainted?” Kei demanded. He looked legitimately surprised, but Toru still felt a malevolent vibe. Toru expected he might laugh, but his friend looked a bit more genuinely concerned.

“So you want me to babysit him?” Kei asked.

“Just keep an eye on him until your parents get home.” Wakatoshi said, skipping over any attitude that Kei had portrayed.

Kei looked like he might retort, but Tadashi jumped in. “We will. Don’t be a jerk, Tsukki. Sorry, Tsukki isn’t good with new people.”

“Shut up, Yama,” Kei said angrily.

“Well, I better be off then. Toru, let me know if you’re not making it to practice tomorrow.” Wakatoshi said, closing his laptop and placing it in his backpack. “There’s soup still on the stove. It’s off, but I didn’t know what to do with it,” he said to Kei, but more so to Tadashi.

“Got it,” Tadashi said.

“Later, Toru,” Wakatoshi said, taking his leave. Toru waved in response.

The three stood quietly as the front door closed.

“Well, that was awkward,” Kei said.

Toru pulled his lips into a tight line, almost guiltily. He quickly stood up from the couch, making sure he wasn’t going to pass out again, and hurried up stairs to collect his glasses. He decided he didn’t care about Kei’s friend, since it was unlikely that he’d ever speak to him outside of the house anyway. He slid his glasses up his nose, then returned to the couch downstairs.

Damn, it was nice to be able to see again.

“Damn you’re friends with Ushijima! That’s so cool!” Tadashi squealed.

Kei rolled his eyes at him and walked into the kitchen.

“Kei have you seen him play?!” Tadashi wailed, chasing after him.

“Of course I have.” Kei said. “Toru, I’m putting this in the fridge. Yama what do you want to eat?”

“Doesn’t matter!” Tadashi said, returning to the living room with a can of pop. He plopped down next to Toru and spotted his phone in his hand. “You can talk with that, right?”

Toru nodded.

“Cool. So where are you from?” He asked.

Toru quickly typed his response into his phone, turning it to the side so Tadashi could see.

_Japan_

“Damn that must be scary, moving half way across the world. Is your English pretty decent?”

_It’s okay I think_

“What are you studying at school?”

_English and Science._

_I like Astronomy._

“Really? Me too! You’re in our Physics class right? I can’t wait for the section on space.”

Toru nodded. The conversation went quiet for a moment, but Toru decided on a new subject since Tadashi was clearly ok talking to him.

_Do you play volleyball too?_

“Sure do! I’m not a regular though, even on the junior team we play on. I’m a pinch server. Have you played with Tsukki at all yet?”

Toru shook his head.

“He’s really good. I bet he’ll make the varsity team in the next year or two when some of the current players graduate.”

 _Really? I haven’t seen him play._ He was legitimately surprised by this. He knew that Kei played, but he had no idea that he was actually a good player.

“He’s a middle blocker, and he’s super tall so he’s awesome!”

“Shut up, Yama!” Kei called from the kitchen.

“Sorry Tsukki,” Tadashi laughed.

Toru couldn’t help thinking how weird their relationship came across. It almost seemed like Tadashi was Kei’s lap dog that just followed him loyally everywhere even if treated like shit. Or maybe he was just making the assumption because he’d only seen the nasty sides of Kei. He wondered what made Tadashi stay. He seemed like a social and kind person, so what was he doing with Kei? The way Tadashi had wandered into the kitchen and grabbed a pop made him seem far more comfortable than even Toru in this house, so maybe they’d been friends for a long time. Maybe Kei wasn’t always such a jerk? Did something happen? But then Tadashi had told Wakatoshi that Kei didn’t make friends easily. It gave Toru a glimmer of hope. Maybe in time they could get along after all.

“What were you watching before?” Tadashi asked, forcing Toru out of his own head.

 _The x-files_ , he replied.

“Isn’t that pretty scary?” Tadashi asked.

Toru shrugged his shoulders. _I’ve seen it a lot, so it’s not scary anymore._

“We’ve been watching Prison Break on Netflix. Have you seen it?”

Toru shook his head.

“You should give it a try. It’s pretty intense!”

Toru nodded.

“Tsukki and I were going to watch a movie I think. Want to watch with us?”

Toru glanced toward the kitchen, wondering if Kei would be pissed off if he joined them. But then, he was here on the couch first. He decided to be certain though.

 _Will Kei mind?_ He typed to Tadashi.

“Nah,” Tadashi said, standing up and turning on the TV, the sound system and the PlayStation. “It’s my Netflix account anyway,” he grinned.

“Tsukki what are you making?” Tadashi called toward the kitchen.

“Guess,” Kei said quietly.

Tadashi rolled his eyes. “Kraft Dinner is Tsukki’s favourite. Do you have KD in Japan?”

Toru shook his head, feeling the confused expression on his face was enough of an indication.

“What? Have you never had it?!”

He shook his head again.

“Oh my GOD! Tsukki! Toru has never had KD!”

Kei said nothing, but Tadashi disappeared into the kitchen, and Toru listened carefully. He thought he could hear arguing.

“Just let him try a little bit,” Tadashi insisted.

“Fine, but it’s coming from your bowl,” Kei snapped.

Toru pulled his feet up on the couch and underneath him as if subconsciously adopting a more protective position. He pulled himself closer to the arm of the large couch, which was directly facing the television. If the other two were coming to sit down, chances are they’d park next to him. He dragged himself up against back of the couch and propped his elbow up on the armrest, massaging his temples. His headache had eased slightly, but now he just felt dizzy and stoned on cold meds. He picked up his bowl of soup and drained the last few sips before replacing it on the coffee table.

“Here Toru, try this,” Tadashi said, re-entering the room and thrusting a small bowl of unnaturally orange coloured noodles into his hands before taking the seat in the middle of the couch next to him. Kei was close on his tail, seating himself at the opposite end. He kicked his slippers off and pulled his own legs up underneath him as well.

“So what are we watching again?” Tadashi asked as Toru picked the fork up out of his bowl. The steaming noodles smelled very artificial, but as Tadashi was already digging ravenously into his own, he figured it couldn’t be that bad.

“It’s called Spectral,” Kei said, the controller in his hands as he scanned through the main menu.

Toru tested the first couple of noodles on the end of his fork, and found it sweeter, but no less artificial tasting than he’d thought. He chewed thoughtfully, deciding that it didn’t really taste like the intended macaroni with cheese, but it certainly had a distinct flavor.

“What do you think?” Tadashi asked.

Toru glanced around, searching for his phone to reply.

“Idiot, let him eat,” Kei said, hitting play on the movie.

“Right, sorry Toru.”

Toru shook his head, finally retrieving his phone out from between the cushions of the couch. He placed his bowl on his knees and typed a response.

_Interesting, but I like it._

“Oh good!” Tadashi smiled.

Toru finished his food with some difficulty, his throat struggling to swallow against the inflammation in his throat. The movie was interesting though, and rather intense. He didn’t mind thriller type movies, given his love for space and aliens and having grown up watching the x-files, but he always felt like he was going to try to sleep and end up having nightmares. For some reason he’d gotten worse as he got older. It didn’t happen all that often, but it still made him nervous. He’d been delirious all last night, so he was sure that the ghostly warriors from the movie would be on his mind tonight.

Teri had come home some time during the movie and gone full blown mother-mode again, checking his temperature and demanding whether to know if he’d eaten. He was grateful that Kei didn’t mention his fainting episode, as he knew she’d lose her shit, and he was really hoping to make it to school tomorrow.

But the later it got, the more it was looking like that wouldn’t be the case. He felt worse every hour, and by eleven o’clock, once everyone else had gone to bed, he’d started throwing up. Even long after he’d emptied the entirety of his stomach contents into the toilet he continued to dry heave. Each time he thought he was finished, he had to run back into the bathroom until he gave up and simply locked the door and rolled up in a blanket on the floor. He felt like dying, freezing cold yet sweating, his head pounding, eyes filled with tears. He felt lower than low, and more than anything he wished he was back home, healthy in his own bed, or at least sick with Iwa-chan taking care of him. He was always there when he was sick, always.

Throwing up wasn’t new to him. But feeling like he had no control over it was. It was something he had done that made him feel like he had control when everything was slipping out from under him. It was his safe haven, and now it had turned on him. It had been so long since he’d been legitimately sick like this. He’d been so healthy, not to mention happy, back home.

Now everything was so different. And this was the epitome of what he’d become.

He had no idea what time he’d finally gone to bed, but he’d gotten up several more times during the night to throw up, or dry heave, rather. He had tried taking a sleeping pill, but he was pretty sure he’d just puked it up. Teri came into his room in the morning, saying that she’d heard him up half the night and that he’d better stay home one more day. He didn’t have the strength to argue, and he entered the password on his phone so she could turn his alarm off for him. He’d passed out by the time she’d left the room. He knew he should have texted Wakatoshi, but he decided he’d be able to figure out that he was still sick.

When he finally did wake up, it was past noon, and the sun illuminated his bedroom brightly. He sat up, staring at his phone, blurry eyed. He reached for his glasses, his shoulders aching in protest, and slid them into their place on his nose as he put his fingerprint in to unlock his phone. He had several messages, all from Wakatoshi.

**Wakatoshi: You feeling any better? You missed an intense practice.**

**Wakatoshi: Hope you’re getting some sleep. Goodnight.**

**Wakatoshi: Hey how are you feeling?**

**Wakatoshi: Are you coming to practice?**

**Wakatoshi: I can get Tendou to pick you up if need be?**

**Wakatoshi: Well… I missed you last night.**

**Wakatoshi: I guess you’re still sick. Another rough practice.**

**Wakatoshi: Text me when you wake up.**

The messages were from last night, very early this morning, and after morning practice obviously. He was surprised he didn’t hear the ones come in last night. Then again, he hadn’t been in very good shape.

He felt better now, much better than last night. He still felt weak and his body was sore. His headache was still present, but it wasn’t persistently throbbing anymore. He tested his voice, but it was still very nearly absent. His throat felt a little better. Another day of no talking and hopefully he’d be ok by tomorrow.

He flipped up they keyboard on his phone and typed a response.

**Toru: I’m alive.**

**Wakatoshi: Feeling any better?**

**Toru: A bit.**

**Toru: Got some sleep.**

**Wakatoshi: Good to hear. You just wake up?**

**Toru: Yeah.**

He dropped his phone and sat up in bed, contemplating getting up to get a glass of water. He knew he should be hungry, but he wasn’t. He knew he needed to eat to allow his body to recover, but he didn’t want to.

He ended up spending most of his day lying in bed with his homework. By early evening, he’d managed to catch up on everything from the previous week, and even managed to read ahead in his biology textbook, as he was supposed to every lecture. Kei knocked on his door and tossed him a small green flash drive, which he caught and stared back puzzledly.

“Notes from yesterday and today’s calc and physics classes,” Kei explained, before walking away.

Toru was so surprised that he was unable to thank him, not that he could vocally anyway.

He quickly scrambled to find his phone, then sent a message to Kei.

**Toru: Thanks a lot. You didn’t have to.**

**Kei: no prob**

And the conversation died. A part of Toru wanted to attempt to continue it, but he wasn’t sure what to say. He wondered if maybe once he got his voice back, they might actually talk. He felt a slight swell of happiness at the prospect, despite the fact that it was still small.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who commented or gave kudos. It really means the world to me.  
> I love hearing your feedback, friends.


	4. Chapter 4

Being unable to speak was a strange thing. It could alienate you, and take away your ability to interact with those around you. You felt unable to express yourself, leaving you victim to the betrayal of your own physical expressions. You can’t cover up what you feel with words.

But at the same time, it seemed to have its benefits. Awkward silences were less awkward when you had a reason for your silence. It also forced others to talk to you when conversation needed to happen. Toru made it to practice the following day, all but his headache and the absence of his voice gone.

For the first time, he felt like his teammates other than Wakatoshi were actually working with him. Apparently Wakatoshi had shut down any rumors that he’d simply been hungover quickly, and the team seemed to almost feel sorry for him. Several of them had slapped him on the back, asking him how he was feeling when he’d showed up that morning.

He worked tirelessly through that evenings practice working exclusively with Tendou as a spiker. He was actually given proper feedback for a change, and he used a small white board the coach had left under the net for him to communicate his own questions. By the end of practice, he felt he could confidently say that he understood Tendou as a player. It was the best he’d felt with his team since he’d arrived.

“You sticking around for a bit after practice?” Wakatoshi asked him quietly as the others were desperately gasping for air and rushing for their water bottles. Wakatoshi had a towel around his neck, sweat clinging to his brow and dripping down the sides of his neck.

Toru was almost grateful to have a reason not to talk, because he doubted he could if he tried. He simply nodded. He had indeed planned to stay late to make up for some of the time he’d missed over the last two days. He’d felt sluggish and sloppy all day, though he wasn’t sure if it was because he’d missed so much training or because he still felt sick. He’d initially felt ok this morning, but as the day went on he felt worse and worse. Still, he was here now and he wasn’t about to let it stop him.

He hit serve after serve with Wakatoshi attempting to receive them. His body protested loudly, his knee throbbing and even his right ring finger, which Wakatoshi had taped for him that morning seemed to be declining. But still he kept going. He knew his body well enough to know that it would recover over night. He told himself that he’d even eat a proper meal tonight for the first time in two days in order to aid that recovery.

As if reading his mind, Wakatoshi stopped. “You’re laboring pretty badly, ready to call it a night and grab a bite?”

He didn’t feel ready to quit at all, but he flexed is bad knee, kicking it back and forth and found the ache was becoming harder and harder to shake off. He finally agreed. But with one stipulation. He grabbed his phone and typed a message to Wakatoshi.

_I don’t think I can do a restaurant tonight._

“Let’s head back to my place then.”

_Can you cook?_

“Mm, I can try. Or we can pick something up?” He suggested.

 _I can make something if you like?_ He offered.

“Oh really?” Wakatoshi smirked. “You can cook hey?”

 _Japanese food,_ he typed.

“Well then let’s hit a grocery store and you can make us a traditional Japanese dinner.”

* * *

 

“What’s hondashi? And why is there a picture of a fish on it. I don’t like fish,” Wakatoshi said, plucking the small box from their shopping bag as Toru removed his shoes and jacket.

He rolled his eyes, grabbing his phone. It was weird – Wakatoshi wasn’t usually the overly talkative type. But now it was like he was making up for the fact that Toru _couldn’t_ talk. It was frustrating. There was so much he wanted to say.

 _Don’t worry about it. You won’t taste it._ He settled for the short response.

Wakatoshi stared back, looking uncertain.

Toru rolled his eyes. _Trust me,_ he typed.

“Fine,” Wakatoshi said, going straight for the fridge. “Beer?” He asked pulling out two bottles.

Toru stared hesitantly, remembering what had happened last time the two of them drank together. But at the same time, it had apparently chased away both of their inhibitions and lead to…

He nodded.

Wakatoshi removed the cap with his hand alone before handing him one of the green bottles. “Cheers,” he said, tapping his own bottle to Toru’s.

To what? He wondered. He took a sip of his beer, wondering if it was going to make him sicker. He hadn’t eaten much in the last couple of days, and after his third sip he began to feel a tingling in his legs. He set the beer aside, deciding he needed to at least get the meal going before he really got tipsy.

Wakatoshi put some music on as Toru was chopping onions, trying to keep his eyes from watering. That was just what he needed, to cry in front of Wakatoshi. He flipped the fan on above the stove and moved closer to it, hoping to remove some of the fumes. It didn’t help that the knife he was using wasn’t exactly the sharpest.

He heard the fridge open beside him, and another bottle popped soon after. Damn Wakatoshi was a quick drinker. Toru nearly jumped out of his skin as he felt a pair of strong arms wrap their way around his chest from under his arms.

“It’s amazing that you can cook,” he whispered into Toru’s ear.

Not really, he thought to himself. Was it such a rare skill to have? And could you even call his level of cooking a skill?

Wakatoshi remained there, his warm body pressing against Toru’s as he continued to work. It made his heart race, and he was glad his body was pressed up against the counter to hide any evidence of just how turned on he was.

Just as he began to wonder how long Wakatoshi’s eyes would be able to stand the onions, he heard the bigger man sniffle and pull back.

“What the hell! Why are my eyes tearing up?”

Toru pointed to the onion.

“Seriously?”

Toru snickered to himself silently.

When he finished, he wiped his hands on the towel and picked up his phone.

_You’ve never chopped an onion before, have you?_

“Nope. Is this normal?” He asked, wiping at his eyes.

He nodded.

Toru quietly moved onto the soup stock before depositing the onions into it and bringing it all to a simmer. He cooked rice and chopped chicken before scrambling a couple of eggs. As the meal came together, Wakatoshi became more impatient, slithering around the room, grabbing Toru and releasing him over and over again. He was acting like a four-year-old waiting for his birthday cake. Once everything was finally cooking, Toru returned his attention to his beer.

Wakatoshi quickly pulled him close, bringing their bodies together and stroking the hair off of Toru’s forehead.

He could feel his face reddening, and he hoped he could write it off on the alcohol. But Wakatoshi didn’t seem to care. As Toru finished his last sip, Wakatoshi took the empty bottle from his hand and pulled him closer, meeting his lips in a kiss.

Toru quickly pulled back, but Wakatoshi grabbed him and pulled him close again.

“If you’re worried about getting me sick, don’t be. I had a flu shot,” he said, essentially reading Toru’s mind.

And this time he returned the kiss, parting his lips and allowing Wakatoshi to enter, his tongue brushing against his teeth as it passed to meet his own. Toru sighed, losing his inhibitions, and apparently his balance as he nearly lost his footing, Wakatoshi’s strong hands on his shoulders keeping him upright.

Finally Toru pulled away, swearing under his breath as he pulled the nearly burnt rice off the stove.

“Sorry,” Wakatoshi muttered.

Toru shook his head, reaching for the cupboard he knew held the bowls. He served rice into each dish before taking the frying pan and gingerly serving the chicken and onion with egg into equal portions on top of the rice. He added a touch of salt and pepper to each before handing one to Wakatoshi.

“Wow,” he said in response.

Toru grabbed his phone and moved to the little dinner table, taking a seat.

Wakatoshi grabbed them two more beers and took the seat across from him.

 _Oyakadon,_ Toru typed.

“Smells fantastic.”

He watched closely as Wakatoshi tested it, taking a small bite and chewing thoughtfully.

“Wow, that’s delicious,” he said, a genuine smile forming across his lips as he dug in for a much larger bite. Toru began to wonder if he should have made more.

“This is so good, Toru. And it wasn’t even that hard to make was it?!” Wakatoshi asked excitedly.

He shook his head.

“Would you make me more Japanese dishes? Or maybe teach me to make them?”

He nodded enthusiastically. He loved the idea of cooking with Wakatoshi.

“Just leave the dishes, I’ll do them later,” Wakatoshi said as they finished eating and Toru began piling dishes in the sink to wash them.

He glanced at Wakatoshi, raising an eyebrow as if to say, really?

“Seriously, don’t worry about it. Let’s go watch a movie or something.”

Toru smiled, then nodded as he stacked the last of the dishes neatly in the sink.

“Let’s go,” Wakatoshi said, gently taking Toru’s hand, yet another pair of drinks in his other hand as he lead him to the living room just on the other side of the wall.

“What would you like to watch?” He asked, the pair of them seating themselves on the couch, side by side, their thighs just touching.

Toru shrugged, feeling a grin plastered permanently to his face.

“Alright, you take this, I’ll turn it on.” He handed Toru the PlayStation controller.

They ended up watching a documentary about life on the outer planets that Toru failed to mention that he’d seen several times already. But hey, he couldn’t talk anyway.

Neither of them really paid much attention to the show in front of them.

* * *

 

It was another two days before Toru’s voice returned, and damn if he didn’t have a lot to say by that time. He’d laid on the couch with Wakatoshi not watching the movie menu screen until almost 11pm before he realized he was going to miss the last bus, just listening to him talk. It had been wonderful, but he’d refrained from staying out late the next night after practice the next two nights. But still they’d stayed late _at_ practice, hitting far too many serves than they should have.

Overall it had been a really good few days despite his own silence.

It wasn’t until he headed home on the first night he’d been able to speak that he realized something wasn’t quite right.

He’d been staying late at practice, so he always missed dinner at home, which was fine. He’d normally come home and make himself something quick and easy that he could take for lunch the next day. Usually Teri and Ken had retired to their room by the time he arrived home, or they were at least cuddled together on the couch.

Tonight Teri was sitting at the kitchen table, the bottom floor of the house, which was otherwise dark and empty. She had a pot of tea in front of her, and his second indication that something was wrong was that her eyes looked swollen. The third was that she was holding her book upside down.

“Toru, you’re home,” she said, her voice sounding almost nervous.

“Yeah, practice ran late again,” he said, pulling the strap of his bag over his head.

“Seems to be happening a lot lately. How are you feeling?”

“Better. I can finally talk again,” he said. His voice did still sound chain smoker-ish, but at least he was capable of verbalizing his thoughts and intentions. “Is there a problem with me staying late at practice?” He asked, his question sounding a little harsher than he’d intended.

“It would be nice to see you a bit more often, but I realize you have a commitment and you can’t very well skip out on it,” she said.

“Yeah, I’m sorry,” Toru said, making it sound as genuine as he could. He wasn’t about to bring up the fact that his late practices were on his own time.

“The nights you don’t make dinner…” she began. Somehow, he knew where she was going with this. “…do you go out?”

He wasn’t sure where it was coming from, but a part of him wanted to egg her on. He knew he needed to tread carefully though.

“Sometimes. Other times I’ll cook at a friends house.”

“Is this the same friend that came over when you were sick?”

“The one that caught me when I fainted? Yeah,” he said. As far as he knew, she knew nothing about that episode.

“You _fainted?”_ She repeated.

“Yeah, when I was home sick that first day. I guess I was a bit dehydrated. Good thing he’s in his fourth year of his athletic therapy degree and he knew how to deal with it.”

“I’m sorry we weren’t around,” she said quietly, sipping her tea.

“No, it’s no problem at all,” he said sincerely.

“Toru I need to ask you something,” she said, hands clasped around her cup tightly, her knuckles growing wait from the strain.

“What’s that?” He asked, shedding his track jacket and taking the seat at the table across from her. He’d been right. This was going exactly where he’d thought. And somehow, despite the fact that he never allowed himself to really think about it, he’d known for a while it was coming. He kicked himself now for not rehearsing his answer.

“Are you a… h-homosexual?”

He almost burst out laughing at the way she’d hesitated, as if saying the word itself would somehow condemn her to hell right along with him.

But by keeping his laughter at bay, he’d skipped a beat. He knew she instantly knew the answer.

“Teri, I’m not sure that’s any of your business,” he said as gently as he could, surprising even himself. He didn’t typically take kindly to homophobia. He was too quick witted and flirtatious to reply calmly or kindly. But since he’d been in America, that side of him had been heavily subdued, and he was almost rusty when it came to coming up with a smart response.

She didn’t reply. She dropped her head on the table, and Toru heavily suspected she was tearing up.

“Teri…”

“Toru,” she barely said through her tears as she lifted her head. Her eyes were indeed very red and filled with tears. “We can get you help.”

“Wha –” he began.

“There are amazing conversion therapy programs in the eastern States, we can help you. We will pay for it and…”

“Wow wow wow wow, slow down,” he said. He’d been expecting the question, but he hadn’t expected what had come after. “Teri, I don’t have a problem with who I am.”

This just made her cry harder. “I want to help you, Toru. We all do,” she said with some difficulty. “I don’t want you to…” but she couldn’t finish the sentence.

“Look, I’m sorry that you feel the way you do,” he said, his own pulse picking up as he felt himself losing his composure, “but I am who I am. I have no intention of changing that. Look Teri I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. I’m sorry that nobody foresaw this and better yet, prevented it, but here we are. I’m going to go upstairs now, as long as you’ll permit me.”

She nodded, but couldn’t speak through her tears. As much as her discrimination pissed him off, it hurt him to see her like this.

He didn’t wait for her to say anything before he grabbed his bag and hurried upstairs, running into the bathroom and ripping his contacts out of his eyes then hurrying to his bedroom, locking his door for good measure. Fucking showering tonight, it wasn’t happening.

He dove into his bed, breathing heavily, feeling his heart racing.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

This was not ok right now!

And fuck the worst part was, he’d known it was coming, but he’d failed to really anticipate the consequences. Poor fucking planning on his part.

FUCK!

He felt his eyes watering as he clutched his pillow tightly in both fists.

 _This_ can’t _be happening!_ He thought to himself. This has to be a bad fucking dream.

But upon pinching himself, he came to the conclusion that it was not.

He felt hot and sweaty and his head had begun to pound.

What the hell was he going to do? He was in a foreign country! His only friend was in the closet. He couldn’t afford to stay in a hotel long. He couldn’t even afford to fly home if he needed to. What if he ended up living on the streets? Would they really kick him out?

He began to feel nauseous, and seconds later he was up and out of bed, running for the toilet.

This time, as he emptied the contents of his stomach, it had nothing to do with the flu bug that he’d been unable to kick for so long. This time, he was in control of it. It was a well-practiced art, though he’d formerly convinced himself that it was a burden he needed to eliminate from his life.

But right now, as he turned on the water in the bathtub and reached with his middle finger to brush against the top of his soft palate, it was the opposite of a burden. It was the only thing that could keep him grounded. Because it was something he had control over.

The entirety of the dinner he’d worked so hard to make was in the toilet in front of him as he flushed it down. But it didn’t matter.

He kept going, feeling the ache and sting of the bile rising from his stomach as he dry heaved. It hurt, but somehow it felt good. He couldn’t explain it. He just couldn’t.

Finally he leaned back against the side of the tub, attempting to catch his breath. He flushed the toilet one last time before turning the tap off. He shot a glance up, squinting at the door knob, making sure it was locked.

He knew the second flush was risky, but he no longer cared.

Running a hand through his increasingly greasy hair, he decided that as of tomorrow, he would no longer be Teri’s problem. He would go to the international students’ office first thing after practice tomorrow and he would get himself the hell out of there. Fuck it if he needed to stay in a hotel for a night or two. Maybe Wakatoshi would even let him camp out. He wasn’t going to burden these people who clearly no longer want him anymore. He would pack up his things in the morning, leave for practice before anyone woke up, then skip his classes and come back to get his things once he had a plan.

He sighed to himself. Yes, this would work.

* * *

 

“Mr. Oikawa, we actually received a phone call making a similar request this morning from your host parents,” the woman said casually.

“Great,” he said sarcastically. He really didn’t need to know that.

“There is an empty apartment in one of the student housing buildings, however it’ isn’t on campus, it’s about a fifteen minute walk from here.”

“Perfect, I’ll take it. When can I move in?”

“Well it’s available now, but it isn’t furnished. We can have some of the basics brought over later this week, but until then – ”

“Not a problem. I’d like to move in this afternoon, please,” he said. He knew he sounded impatient, but he was far past caring. He hadn’t slept at all last night, his anxiety keeping him awake even after he felt like he’d regained at least a moderate amount of control. His mind kept jumping back and forth between what-ifs and he knew he wasn’t going to be able to sleep.

The woman watched him a second more, as if waiting to see if he’d give in and wait a few days. He had no intention of doing so, and his soft gaze turned to a harsh glare.

“Alright. Come back at lunch time and collect the keys.”

“Thank you,” Toru said.

“Mr. Oikawa,” she said.

“What?”

“Do you need to talk about – ”

“No,” he said firmly. He didn’t want to talk about any of it with anyone. No one needed to know what was going on right now. He just needed to get out.

 

He’d already missed his first class, so he decided to skip his second class to head to the basement of the library to attempt to nap in the silent area. He was exhausted from not sleeping, not to mention the constant stream of cortisol running through his veins all night. But as soon as he sat down in the comfortable chair in the far corner, he questioned why he thought this morning would be any different from last night. He sat with his eyes closed for what felt like at least an hour or two, but sleep refused to accommodate him. He was beginning to wonder how long he could go without sleeping before he just keeled over and died.

Finally he gave up and decided that if he was going to survive practice tonight, let alone the rest of the day, he needed to eat.

Unfortunately, his anxious body and mind had other ideas.

He’d take two bites of the sandwich he’d bought before his nausea had him running to the handicapped washroom and locking himself inside before vomiting profusely.

His head pounded and his mind raced, though somehow he felt a little better once he’d finished.

He stood at the sink and stared into his own sunken eyes complete with large dark circles. He looked like a disaster. And he didn’t feel far off.

Finally he splashed some water in his face, rubbed his eyes and dried off before exiting the bathroom.

 

“She told me noon….” He said, trying to hide the venom threatening to explode from his voice. It was so much easier to vocalize what he wanted to say in Japanese, but at the same time it was harder to keep his emotions in check.

“She’s currently running around trying to make the place livable, Oikawa-san,” Akihiro-san said sternly. She was the Japanese liaison for the university’s exchange problem, and frankly Toru had not expected to run into her. Now he was just frustrated. As far as he was concerned, this whole ordeal could have been avoided had this woman done her research and family-matching properly. The fact that he hadn’t eaten or slept was not helping matters.

“It doesn’t need to be livable. As long there’s a door and a ceiling, it’s fine.”

“Please be patient, Oikawa-san,” she said, her voice sounding gentler. “It isn’t often that we do this on such short notice, but given then circumstances… never-mind.”

“Can you at least give me a key so I can get my things and drop them off?”

“Julia has the key, she said she’d be back around 2.”

“Are you telling me there’s only one key to this place?”

“Oikawa-san, come back at 2.”

He was about to scream in frustration, but he took a deep breath and managed to keep it together, turning rudely on his heel and walking not twenty feet to the large chair in the office’s waiting area.

He heard her sigh loudly before retreating to her own office.

He had every intention of sitting there stubbornly until Julia returned.

But 2 o’clock rolled around and there was still no sign of her. He had his laptop out, reading the lecture notes from the classes he’d missed this morning, but he knew he wasn’t absorbing anything. Each time he heard the door open, he glanced up, only to see that it wasn’t Julia. His heart was beating quickly, and not in a good way. His hands were clammy, and his right leg was bouncing up and down impatiently.

He closed his notes and plugged his headphones into his computer, attempting to calm himself down with some relaxing music.

It didn’t work.

He felt sick to his stomach, and he wished he _had_ something in his stomach that he could throw up. He contemplated going to find something to eat just for that purpose, but considering how his early lunch had gone, he decided it would just be a waste of money. Not to mention the fact that he might miss Julia’s.

It was nearly 3 when she finally returned to the office, cellphone tucked between her ear and her shoulder, her arms full of coffee and a clipboard, which she was flipping through frantically.

“Yes, yes I got it,” she said, placing her coffee cup down on the administration desk and Toru jumped to his feet to stalk her, cursing the cup of coffee that she’d wasted his precious time purchasing. “Right, ok. Sure. Bye.”

“Noon?” Toru said, his words coming out sounding every bit as exasperated as he felt.

“Here,” she said, handing him a set of keys.

“Thank you!” He said, knowing he didn’t sound at all thankful.

He turned to leave, when she called his name.

“What?” He nearly yelled.

“Do you want the address?”

His face flushed, and he nearly felt guilty. He turned back and she handed him a business card with an address written on it. “The essentials are there, but the rest will be delivered in a few days. I assume you have no intention of waiting for them.”

“Nope. Thank you,” he said, this time sounding more sincere.

He rushed back to the Tsukishima residence, silently pleading for his luck to hold up. He didn’t think he’d be able to stand running into any of them while he was trying to get his things out of there. He’d packed everything that morning, placing his suitcases out of sight from the doorway so he’d be ready to just grab everything and go.

As it turned out, no one was home. It took him less than five minutes to drag his stuff to the front door, which he locked before dropping the keys through the mail slot.

He hurried down the street, wondering if Teri had told Kei anything, or if he was going to walk through the front door in the next hour to find the keys on the ground. Would Teri tell him what happened? Would she tell Ken? Probably.

He shook his head, taking a deep breath of fresh air as he reached the bus stop. He was out of there, and he never had to go back. He’d accomplished that much.

Then he realized he didn’t even know where he was going. He leaned both of his suitcases against the glass enclosure of the bus station, pulling out his phone and typing in the address from the business card. He was thirty minutes and two buses away. It wasn’t a difficult commute, but it was going to take more time than he had. He signed, pulling out his student card as the bus approached.

Once seated on the bus, taking up half of the handicapped area, he pulled out his phone once more.

**Toru: I’m going to be late for practice.**

He then put his phone on silent and pocketed it. He knew he should have called the coach, but he didn’t have it in him right now. He’d accept whatever punishment was necessary later.

By the time he arrived at the given address, it was pouring rain and he was once again cursing himself for not picking up a rain jacket. The rain had quickly soaked through his team jacket.

The area looked a bit dingy, and the idea of walking down this street in the dark tonight wasn’t terribly appealing, but it was better than staying at the Tsukishima residence where he knew he wasn’t wanted. At least here he was free to be himself.

It struck him at that moment that Teri had actually offered to sign him up for conversion therapy. He could hardly comprehend it. Instead of thinking, he picked up his pace, stopping to unlock the front door before pulling the slip out of his pocket again.

Unit 204.

He glanced around, looking for an elevator, but he didn’t see any sign of one. Great, dragging his stuff up stairs was going to be _so_ fun. At least it was only one floor.

Still, he was sweating by the time he got all of his things up the stairs. It didn’t help that there were doors in and out of the stairwell. He dragged one bag up at a time, and finally by the third trip, he was able to drag everything to the door with the numbers 204 across the top.

He slid the key into the door and heard the lock click, pushing the door to reveal a dark apartment. He dragged all his bags inside, closing the door and standing in the darkness, sighing deeply before turning on the light.

He found himself standing in a small off-white kitchen, complete with fridge, stove, decent sized kitchen counter and a double sink. There was what appeared to be a four-person table made out of fake wood pushed against the wall. The table held boxes of plates, cutlery, toilet paper and paper towel and a bag of other items.

He glanced further around the room, dropping all his bags on the floor. The living area was covered by a light tan carpet and looked quite large, but it was likely because there was nothing in it save for a box containing an air mattress and a sleeping bag. There were long blinds covering what he assumed to be a window on the far wall, and a large closet next to a door on the adjacent wall. He wandered across the room, turning on the light switch to find the same linoleum floor as in the kitchen, but this time in a bathroom. There was a shower/tub combo and a large sink placed in a small counter top with cupboards and drawers beneath it.

All in all the place looked dated, but clean. It felt cold, and he noticed that whenever he moved anything around it echoed. Julia had said there was more stuff coming in a few days, but he wondered exactly what that meant. It was a studio apartment, so would he be getting a couch or a bed or anything at all? He doubted they were going to provide him with a television, not that he needed it, but he wondered what else she had thought of. Glancing at the supplies on the kitchen table, he was curious as to why it had taken her so long. There wasn’t really much here.

He quickly realized that this self-tour needed to be cut short, and he pulled his phone from his pocket. There were seven new messages, five from Wakatoshi and two from Iwaizumi, but what really caught his attention as the time. It was well after four, meaning he was very late for practice.

He glanced around the room, trying to figure out if he needed anything and contemplating whether or not to get changed. He decided against it, knowing that he was just going to get soaked again as soon as he stepped outside.

* * *

 

“You understand you are expected to attend every practice, correct?” Ukai said sternly.

Toru nodded, “yes sir.”

“On time.”

“Yes sir.”

“Would you like to explain to me why you are over an hour late to practice?”

“I will not make excuses for my behavior. I will accept the consequences of my actions,” he said, trying to keep the resolve alive in his voice. In all reality, he didn’t have much left in him.

Ukai studied him for a second, then sighed. “Well I can tell by your expression that something is going on, but you’re still late without a valid excuse. Hit the track, give me twenty laps, then five laps of diving receives and one hundred serves. We’ll see where we’re at when you’re done.

“Yes sir,” Toru said.

He turned to walk away when Wakatoshi approached him. “What happened?”

“Later,” Toru said quietly, hurrying away.

He ran back to the locker room, switching his court shoes out for his running shoes. He contemplated putting his jacket back on, but as it was already soaked, he decided it was pointless.

In a way, he was happy to be outside and away from the team, alone with his thoughts. He doubted he’d appreciate the sentiment once he’d started doing his diving receives, but for now he could just run mindlessly.

The cold was numbing, both to his body and to his mind, but he pushed himself to run faster, wanting to feel the burn of the physical strain. Only then would his mind really be quiet.

He couldn’t believe that had happened so quickly. He was still so surprised that Teri had asked to have him removed from their home quicker than he had asked himself. As much as it hurt, at least he knew he’d made the right choice and he wouldn’t need to agonize about whether or not he should go back. He could leave it behind him now.

He wished he’d opted to live on his own from the beginning. His mother had been uneasy about the idea though, and he thought maybe it would be nice to have a family to help him adjust to living in a new country. He supposed they had helped a bit, but in the end, all he could take was that hopefully it would make him a stronger person.

By the time he’d hit his 16th lap (or was it his 17th?), his knee had begun to ache. It was abnormal – he ran all the time, and he knew he should be worried. He slowed down a bit, telling himself he’d just been running too fast, that was all. But once he finished his laps, he was dreading his next laps around the gym of diving receives.

Even so, he did them diligently, ignoring the scrimmage taking place on the center court. He’d found a way to land more on his elbows than his lower body, his arms taking most of the brunt of the dive. He could feel his skin tearing a bit, but at least his knee was safer.

He was part way through his second bin of balls when Wakatoshi approached him again. It appeared the scrimmage, as well as practice was over.

“Oikawa!” Ukai called from across the gym.

Both boys stopped in their tracks.

“It would not be a bad idea to stick around for a while. I think you owe that much to your teammates,” he said.

“Yes sir,” Toru said. As if he wasn’t planning to do so already.

“Good practice, Toshi.”

“Thanks.”

They both watched as the gym emptied and grew silent.

“You’re bleeding,” Wakatoshi said.

“Eh?” Toru replied automatically, glancing down at his body.

“Your elbow,” Wakatoshi said, placing a hand on Toru’s left shoulder.

He dropped the ball he was holding and glanced down at his arm as it rolled away. There was indeed a cut seeping blood on his elbow. He followed the blood trail and found it had made its way onto his shirt as well.

 _Dammit,_ he thought to himself. He’d just changed into a clean t-shirt too.

“Hang on,” Wakatoshi said, jogging off to grab the team’s first aid kit.

Toru wandered over to the bench and took a seat, and Wakatoshi returned, handing him a towel. “Thanks,” he muttered.

“You going to tell me what happened?” The other asked, pulling out a cleaning wipe from the kit and taking the towel from Toru’s hand.

“It was from when I was doing the diving receives.” Toru replied quietly. He still felt subdued.

“I mean why you were late.”

Wakatoshi had cleaned the wound, revealing that the skinned area was only actually about two centimeters in diameter. It had seemed much worse covered in blood. He couldn’t believe he’d failed to notice.

“Can I finish my serves first?” Toru asked, his voice seriously lacking conviction.

Wakatoshi looked up to meet his eyes, but he averted them. He wasn’t prepared to have this conversation. He hadn’t replied to Iwaizumi either, and he knew all it was going to take was a phone call and his best friend would be pushing him to talk as well.

Wakatoshi nodded, then stood up and offered Toru his hand, pulling him to his feet.

They served together in silence, taking turns hitting shots then collecting all the balls once they were on the other side of the net, then starting over again.

Toru could feel Wakatoshi’s eyes burning a hole though him, and he knew it was because he was laboring so badly. His knee hurt, but it wasn’t the first time, and he wasn’t going to let it stop him from training. He wished Wakatoshi would just mind his own business.

“Toru,” Wakatoshi said flatly, just as Toru was about to toss up another ball. He ignored it, tossing the ball perfectly for himself. It was going to make a nice serve. He threw his arms back, springing into his steps and launching himself into the air, feeling the burn not only in his knee, but in his legs as well. He slammed the ball as hard as he could, making it appear to be more of a spike than a serve, then landed hard, wincing as his right leg made contact with the ground.

“You didn’t even see where it landed, did you?” Wakatoshi asked, not sounding impressed.

“What?”

“It was out. Enough, no more serves,” He said firmly.

“Coach said 100,” he countered.

“Well Coach isn’t here. I am your captain, and I’m reevaluating the situation. No more.”

Toru stared back at him, contemplating whether or not to argue. He really didn’t have the energy, so he turned away, limping across the court to collect the balls.

It really did hurt.

Wakatoshi sighed audibly. “Toru, sit down,” he said, sounding part exhausted and part annoyed. “You’re not even going to be able to walk home at this rate.”

“I’m fine,” Toru insisted stubbornly. Moving to pick up another ball. But he leaned forward to grab it and all three balls he’d been holding spill out of his arms.

He bit his lip, watching them roll away, trying not to cry. He was really starting to lose it now.

Wakatoshi had other ideas though. He headed straight for Toru, who thought he was literally going to knock him over. Instead, Wakatoshi leaned forward just as he came into contact with Toru and picked him up, tossing him over his shoulder.

“Wha!” Toru cried, flailing his arms.

“Calm down,” Wakatoshi said, carrying him to the bench near the teacher’s office and depositing him there. He grabbed for the first aid kit once again, this time reaching for the disposable ice pack. He quickly broke the seal on it and shook it until it was cold. Toru watched as he wrapped it up in a towel before handing it to him.

“Thanks,” Toru said quietly.

“I’m going to clean up. Then I want to know what’s going on with you,” Wakatoshi said, turning away.

Toru watch him walk away, feeling the burn of the ice pack on his knee. He couldn’t help himself as he watched Wakatoshi bend over each time he encountered a ball to pick it up, the way his hips bent and his ass protruded perfectly, the way his muscular arms reached forward to grasp the ball one handedly. He found himself wishing for that large hand to caress the back of his head while being held tight against Wakatoshi’s large strong body.

“You ok?” Wakatoshi asked, shaking Toru back to reality.

“Yeah,” he replied automatically.

“So why were you late?” He asked, taking a seat next to him and taking the ice pack from Toru’s hand, allowing him to straighten his leg and sit more comfortably while leaning back. Wakatoshi held it there for him.

“I moved out of my host family’s house,” Toru said bluntly, figuring it best to just get it out.

“What?” Wakatoshi asked quickly. He’d looked as though he was going to remove the ice to get a look at Toru’s knee, but quickly turned his full attention back to his face. They locked eyes, and Toru quickly looked away. “Why?”

Toru sighed. “She found out that I’m… into guys,” he said hesitantly.

“And she kicked you out?” Wakatoshi asked.

“Not really. They’re super religious. She got really upset and started crying, I just couldn’t stay there. The international students office found me a place in student housing down on Broad Street.”

“And you’re ok with living on your own?”

Toru just shrugged. “Can’t be that bad, can it?”

“I guess not,” Wakatoshi said. “Why didn’t you tell the coach? He would have let you out of the laps and such.”

He shrugged again. “It’s fine. I didn’t want to talk about it. Better he doesn’t know something’s up.”

“Toru, he’d have to be blind to not know something is bothering you. You look like crap.”

“Thanks,” he said sarcastically.

Wakatoshi sighed, “you know what I mean.”

Toru looked away. He _really_ wasn’t in the mood to talk about this. “I should get home. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Can I look at your knee?” He asked as Toru stood up.

“It’s fine,” he said. “It’s always fine.”

Wakatoshi stared at him hard, as if he waiting for his lie to crumble. But Toru was too good at lying; he’d had way too much practice with Iwaizumi.

Finally his shoulders dropped, as though giving up. “Are you ok to walk home?”

“I’m going to grab the bus. Don’t worry about me.”

“Here,” Wakatoshi said as Toru straightened up on the bench, he glanced up just in time for a dark blue material to fly at his face. “I know your jacket is soaked.”

He held up the blue object up to find Wakatoshi’s team jacket. He glanced up to thank him, but the other was already walking away.

He wanted to talk, a part of him really did. Yet somehow… he just couldn’t bring himself to ask for help. For some reason, it was always when he felt like he needed someone the most that he found himself pushing them away.

Toru stayed where he was for a few minutes, leaning back against the wall trying to compose himself. He wondered if Wakatoshi had already left, or if he was sitting in the same position in the locker room.

He felt a shiver wrack his body and he leaned forward, wrapping the jacket around his body and zipping it up. The jacket was much too big for him, but in a way it was comforting, like a very light someone enveloping him in heat. He couldn’t help but notice how it smelled of Wakatoshi as well. That familiar scent of cloves and pepper mixed with a light men’s deodorant.

He finally dragged himself to his feet, bending his knee to make sure he could indeed walk on it. It was stiff, but as usual, it was getting better with rest. He felt his heart rate pick up as he approached the locker room, wondering what Wakatoshi would say, if anything. Would he bother asking if he was ok again? How many times would it take before Toru finally admitted he wasn’t?

But the locker room was empty, everyone had already left.

He heard the door open behind him and he nearly jumped out of his skin. Was he back?

“Oh, I thought you guys were all gone.”

It was just the janitor. He was standing in the doorway with his cleaning cart and mop.

“Sorry, I’ll just be a second,” Toru said.

“No rush. You’re earlier than usual,” the man said.

He felt a pang of guilt. Did this guy really have to wait around until he was done every night to clean the place?

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve got other places to clean,” the man said, as though reading Toru’s mind.

Toru nodded, quickly pulling ditching his court shoes and pulling on his track pants before lacing up his sneakers.

“Um, thanks, have a good night,” Toru said, shouldering his bag and hurrying out of the room.

“You too, son,” the man smiled.

The walk to the bus was cold and wet, and the bus ride itself was hot and stuffy. When he finally got back to his little apartment, he actually felt relieved. It was short lived however, because he went to take a shower and realized he didn’t have a shower curtain. When he’d gone to collect it, he found the curtain, but no rings. He’d tossed the thing at the wall in frustration and settled for a bath. At least it was warm.

Once out of the bath and dry, he tossed his suitcase in the middle of the floor and dug into it for a pair of sweat pants and a shirt. It felt nice to be legitimately dry and warm for a change. He felt hungry, but realized he had zero food. He thought about ordering something, but decided to go for the protein bars stashed in the bottom of his gym bag. He would worry about real food tomorrow.

He sat himself on the floor, peeling back the packaging from the protein bar and picking up his phone.

**Wakatoshi: You need a better knee brace. That one you’re wearing isn’t helping**

He almost grinned. He’d received the same message from Iwaizumi a couple of years ago, and then he’d been promptly dragged out to buy a new one.

**Toru: I have one**

**Wakatoshi: Good. Start wearing it.**

**Toru: Yes mom**

Wakatoshi didn’t reply after that. He was so strange, Toru reflected. One minute he was so compassionate and caring and worried, and then the next it was like he didn’t care. Maybe Toru was just too used to Iwaizumi, who probably cared way too much.

It made him miss Iwaizumi. He’d taken him for granted when he’d lived in Japan. Now he felt so alone with out anyone quite like that.

He finished the bar and glanced behind him, pulling the sleeping bag toward him before tearing it out of the stuff sack. It had tags on it, so at least it was new. He stared down the inflatable mattress, but decided he didn’t have the energy to pump it up. He glanced around the room once more, looking for a pillow, but found nothing.

He spread the sleeping bag out on the ground, then hauled himself to his feet once more. His legs ached and protested, but he managed to dig his toiletry bag and glasses case out of his suit case, dropping his bottle of sleeping pills on the floor beside his make shift bed. He headed back to the washroom to brush his teeth, put on his glasses, then flicked off all the lights after checking that the door was locked.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and climbed into the sleeping bag. He dimmed the screen as he unlocked his phone, and was thrilled to find a message from Iwaizumi.

**Iwa-chan: How’s it going?**

**Toru: I’m ok, how are you?”**

The screen went quickly from the chat to an image of Iwaizumi’s face as the phone started vibrating. His best friend could always tell…

He quickly reached across the floor, grabbing the closest article of clothing he could find and wadding up, tossing it under his head as he leaned back onto the floor.

“Hey,” he said, answering the call, tossing his glasses behind him, safely out of the way should he roll around in his sleep.

“Long time no talk,” Iwaizumi said. Toru could hear what sounded like wind in the background. “You ok?”

Yep, he always knew.

“Where are you, Iwa-chan? It sounds windy.”

“I’m walking home from class. What’s going on with you?”

“Why do you think something’s up?” Toru asked innocently, trying to keep his voice light.

“When I asked how you were, you didn’t answer with some ‘splendid’ or ‘beautiful’ remark.”

“Oh, right,” Toru said, feeling his façade falling. They’d been apart too long.

“Spill it, Shittykawa.”

That was all it took. He felt the familiar lump forcing its way into the back of his throat, as if everything that had happened over the last twenty four hours was finally catching up to him. He tried to keep himself quiet, but a sob escaped him and he knew his cover was blown.

“Oikawa?” Iwaizumi asked, his voice losing all its aggression, now sounding one hundred percent concerned.

He couldn’t even speak, he just sobbed, burying his face in his make shift pillow.

“Hey, it’s ok. Let it out, you’ll feel better,” Iwaizumi cooed from the phone, still knowing exactly how to calm Toru down.

Toru continued to cry as Iwaizumi muttered words of encouragement into his ear for what felt like forever. As he finally began to calm down, wiping the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand, he noticed that the wind was no longer howling into Iwaizumi’s phone. He must have made it home.

“You want to tell me what’s up?” Iwaizumi finally asked.

“Everything’s so fucked up,” Toru said, his voice still thick with tears and mucous.

“What happened?”

He took a deep breath, forcing himself to sit up so he could breath properly. He was sweating now, having worked himself up crying. “I came home last night and my host Mother asked if I was gay.”

“What? She just straight up asked you??” Iwaizumi asked, the outrage clear in his voice.

“Not really, I don’t remember how it came up. I’ve been spending a lot of time with this guy.”

“Ok, so what did you say?”

“Well I didn’t say no, and then she just starts bawling her eyes out, rambling on about getting me help.”

“You said they’re religious right?”

“Yeah. So I got up really early and went down to the exchange student office and asked if I could move. Low and behold, she’d already asked the same question.”

“So are you moving?” Iwaizumi asked.

“I already did. I’m laying on the floor in a sleeping bag in an empty apartment.” He admitted.

“What?!?!?! The place isn’t even furnished? Why didn’t you wait?”

“I needed to get out of there. I said it was fine.”

“Is it though?”

“Yes, I’d rather be here than there.”

“What about this guy you’ve been seeing? Why couldn’t you stay with him?”

“I’m not seeing him, we’ve just been hanging out. He’s – straight… I think.”

“So? Who cares? He’s your friend isn’t he? Shouldn’t he be helping you?”

“Not everyone is as nice as you, Iwa-chan,” Toru said, his voice finally starting to clear.

“You did not just say that…” Iwaizumi deadpanned. “Start acting like yourself again, idiot!”

“Mean, Iwa-chan,” he replied, but it lacked conviction, that all Iwaizumi could respond with was a sigh.

“Are you really ok, Toru?”

He was getting used to the use of his given name, but it still sounded weird coming from Iwaizumi. He hardly even used his _last_ name, usually electing to use some nasty nickname.

“I think so. It’s just been a rough day.”

“You finally got your voice back,” Iwaizumi commented.

“Yeah, yesterday was the first day I could really talk.”

“Damn…”

“Mean!!!”

“There you go,” Iwaizumi said, his smile audible in his words. “You should call me more often.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Toru said, feeling guilty.

“It’s fine. I know you’re busy.”

“I’m glad you called me tonight.”

“It’s hard being so far away from you. I still get these weird feelings though, like something’s not right every now and then.”

“Iwa-chan is psychic!” He laughed.

“Yep, and aliens exist, right?”

Toru felt himself smile, like really smile, feeling the warmth spreading through his chest. No one had the ability to make him smile like Iwaizumi did. It had been so commonplace when he’d lived near him, but he was only realizing how significant this power was now that he was away from his best friend. He missed him so much.

“What about you? What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing exciting. We lost a practice match last night. We have another one tomorrow. It’s kind of nice having so many teams to practice with, I just wish my team was coming together a little better.”

“Setter still not working out so well?”

“He’s scared of me now,” Iwaizumi said, a slight chuckle in his voice.

“I bet you hit him, didn’t you?”

“Kicked him, actually.”

“Uh huh, did he cry?”

“Not everyone is a crybaby like you, Oikawa.”

“M-E-A-N!” He said loudly, followed by a yawn.

“Go to bed, sleepyhead.”

“I’m in bed,” he said, yawning again. He’d taken a sleeping pill right after brushing his teeth, and it was hitting him. He’d yet to tell Iwaizumi about those.

“Go to sleep. Text me tomorrow hey? You have a practice match tomorrow night, right?”

“How’d you know?”

“Because I follow your team on Twitter.”

“Actually? That’s so cool! Can I follow your team?”

“Do you even have Twitter?”

“No, but I could get it.”

“Alright, figure it out tomorrow. Goodnight!”

“Goodnight, Iwa-chan. Thanks”

“No problem. Night.”

The call ended, and he rolled over in his sleeping bag, feeling that warmth in his chest that he’d forgotten he’d ever even had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter feels like a bit of a roller coaster. It was emotional just to edit... 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Feedback is greatly appreciated! I would love to hear from you!


	5. Chapter 5

They lost their practice match. The coach had started Eita. Whether it was because Toru had been late for practice the day before or because he’d been favoring his bad knee during morning practice, or simply because it was their last practice match was anyone’s guess. He’d been named the team’s regular setter only a few days previous, but he hadn’t been started in this match. It was beyond frustrating watching from the sidelines, picking apart Eita’s game, knowing where he should be putting the ball, but also knowing what he was _going_ to do with it. He was a stubborn setter and it infuriated Toru.

They’d lost the first set – badly, and barely managed to pull out a win in the second set, having gone up early, but only just squeezing out the win. Finally Toru had been put in the game for the third set, but by then the team was more frustrated than they were motivated. He tried to lift their spirits with encouraging comments and spikable tosses, but they’d lost 25-21 in the final set. It was their last practice match and first loss. The coach ripped them a new one in the locker room, scolding them for their downward spiral in the second game and inability to keep their heads in the game. The players were frustrated with themselves and with each other, and after Ukai had finally left, they’d showered and changed in silence.

Toru elected to walk home after the game, having not played much and not being allowed to practice afterwards. He decided he could use the exercise. He stopped at a nearby walmart which wasn’t far from his apartment, getting some groceries and other essentials like a new pillow and a couple of reusable ice packs. He’d though about picking up a camp chair so he had somewhere to sit, but decided that he had enough to carry the last three blocks of his journey. If he was really feeling motivated, he’d walk back later.

By the time he got home, he’d almost wished he’d dragged a suitcase to the store with him. He was also cursing whoever built this building for cheaping out and not installing an elevator. Honestly? What buildings built in the last 50 years didn’t have elevators? He found himself feeling sorry for the people who lived on the third and fourth floors.

His phone vibrated, catching his attention. He glanced down to find that he had messages from Wakatoshi again, and Iwaizumi.

**Iwaizumi: Rough game?**

**Oikawa: yeah, you saw?**

**Iwaizumi: Yeah I saw you didn’t get the start? Also, what’s up with your knee?**

**Oikawa: Seriously? They report my knee brace on twitter??**

**Iwaizumi: They report everything… speculation was you weren’t playing because of a knee injury.**

**Oikawa: It’s fine. My trainer told me I needed a better knee brace.**

But he deleted what he’d typed… trying to think of a better way to put it.

**Oikawa: It’s fine. My trainer said my knee brace wasn’t as effective as it could be.**

**Iwaizumi: Don’t lie to me, Oikawa**

_Shit._

He _always_ saw through him.

**Oikawa: Really, I’m ok. I played the last set and I was fine. It’s nothing out of the ordinary. Good luck in your game tonight!**

He closed the chat and opened Wakatoshi’s message.

**Wakatoshi: What are you up to?**

**Oikawa: Just unpacking the place. Thinking about making some food.**

**Wakatoshi: Mind if I come by?**

**Oikawa: Toshi, I really don’t need a house warming present**

He laughed at his teasing remark, then rolled his eyes at himself for laughing at his own stupid joke.

**Wakatoshi: Address?**

He sent it off, and then continued unpacking his groceries.

Approximately four minutes later, a phone that he wasn’t aware was even there rang. He glanced sideways at beat up beige receiver on the wall as it wailed incessantly. He slowly approached it, hesitantly picking it up.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” Wakatoshi said.

“That was quick,” Toru commented, dumbstruck.

“Gonna let me in?”

“Uhh, let me see if I can figure out how,” he said, pulling the receiver away from his ear to find only one button. He tried it, and heard a loud buzzing noise followed by a dead line. He could only assume it had worked.

A couple of minutes later, there was a knock at his door, validating his assumption that the single button on the buzzer was indeed to let people in.

He opened the door to find Wakatoshi standing there in jeans and a sweater, not something he usually saw. He suddenly felt self-conscious, still in his track pants and t-shirt.

“Welcome home…?” Wakatoshi said, almost as if it were a question, handing him a plastic bag.

“Thanks, you got me beer?” He asked, holding up the bag that obviously contained a twelve pack of something. Somehow, he doubted it was soda.

“Us. I got _us_ beer.”

“But we lost…”

“That just means I can’t smoke. Beer is always allowed,” Wakatoshi said, unlacing his converse.

“You drink a lot for an athlete.”

“And you don’t drink enough for a teenager,” Wakatoshi countered. “So this is the place, hey?”

“Yeah, it’s not much, but it gets the job done.”

“Are you really sleeping on in a sleeping bag? On the floor?”

“Yeah, until I get a bed,” Toru said, nervously leaning against the counter as Wakatoshi looked around.

“When’s that going to be?”

“No idea. Within the week hopefully. I have a pillow now, so that’s a plus,” he laughed, nodding at the pillow still in the plastic on the table.

Wakatoshi stared at him incredulously

“Umm, have you eaten?” Toru asked, trying to avoid the pity he wasn’t sure if Wakatoshi was projecting.

“No, I was going to grab something on the way here, but then… I’m not sure what happened.”

Toru laughed. “I was going to make curry, you ok with that?”

“Sure,” Wakatoshi said, opening the fridge and reaching for the beer that he’d put down not two minutes ago. He pulled out two and popped the cans, handing one to Toru.

Toru was beginning to grow more familiar with this demon called alcohol, and he knew that having not eaten much today, it was going to knock him on his ass. But even against his better judgment, he took the can and took a long sip from it.

“Damn, I like this one,” he said, looking at the light blue can.

“I thought you might,” Wakatoshi laughed, sipping his own. “The young ones always tend to like the girly beers.”

“What are you trying to say?!” Toru teased.

“Fruity, how about fruity?”

“Fine,” he fake pouted, turning to pull his new pot out of the wrapping.

“You are one of a kind,” Wakatoshi said, his voice sounding much closer than it had only seconds ago. Toru turned just in time for strong arms to find their way around his shoulders, and a pair of thin but soft lips to find his ear. “You know that?”

He felt a shiver run down his spine, making its way straight to his groin. It was a shiver that carried a massive amount of heat, and made him feel as if he were completely losing control.

“Jesus,” he whispered breathlessly, turning in Wakatoshi’s grasp to face him, his hands clenching the counter top behind him as he leaned against it.

He meant to lean forward, but Wakatoshi dove for him, his lips pressing aggressively against his own, his right hand finding the back of Toru’s neck, into the bottom of his hair, his left bracing Toru’s back and keeping him upright. He firmly believed he would lose his footing had Wakatoshi’s hand not been there as the other man devoured his mouth. Toru played along, his tongue following Wakatoshi’s lead. He moaned slightly as the other man nibbled at his bottom lip. His own hands found their way up the sides of Wakatoshi’s shirt, feeling the rippling muscle against his ribs and into his finely chiseled abs.

And Toru lost himself, forgetting all about the taste of beer on the other’s lips, the dinner he was supposed to be making, the new apartment he now resided in and why. All he knew was the man in front of him, kissing him more passionately than he’d ever been kissed before.

He was breathing so deeply that he felt like he’d just done a twenty-kilometer run when Wakatoshi suddenly pulled away, cutting off all sensations.

“Sorry,” he said, wiping the his mouth with the back of his hand, “I got carried away.” He too looked out of breath, though he wasn’t panting as hard as Toru.

“No, it’s fine,” Toru said, his eye’s holding Wakatoshi’s for a second longer.

“Is it ok? That I kiss you like that?” Wakatoshi asked, his face reddening.

Toru grinned at that. It was rare to see him so flustered. He was always so composed and in control. “Yeah,” he said, more quietly than he’d intended. “I liked it.”

A huge part of him wanted to ask what it meant. He wanted to ask how Wakatoshi really felt about him, if he’d re-evaluated his sexuality or not, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it right now. He was enjoying himself too much to potentially ruin it.

The silence in the room was broken as his phone began to ring loudly. He glanced around the room, trying to remember where he’d left the thing.

“Uhhh…” Wakatoshi said, holding up the phone that was proudly displaying Iwaizumi’s angry face.

“Oh it’s Iwa-chan! I’ll call him back,” Toru said, silencing the ringer.

“Who’s that?” Wakatoshi asked.

“My best friend since I was five,” Toru said.

The phone began to ring again.

Wakatoshi raised his brow at him.

“Uh, I guess I should probably answer that. Give me a sec?”

“Sure. I’ll open up some of these dishes,” Wakatoshi said, moving toward the pile of stuff on the table.

“Hey,” he said, answering the phone.

“What, you don’t answer your phone anymore?” Iwaizumi demanded. He sounded angry.

“Sorry, I’ve got a friend here,” Toru replied. He was glad that Wakatoshi didn’t know Japanese. This way he could stand in front of him while talking about him and he’d have no idea.

“Oh. Sorry,” Iwaizumi said, his voice losing some of its fire.

“It’s fine. What’s up? If this is about my knee again – ”

“No, it’s not about your shitty knee. I just need to vent for a minute.” He was back to angry.

“Go on…” Toru said hesitantly. He’d seen Iwaizumi angry plenty of times before, but it was usually directed at him. _He_ was usually the only person Iwaizumi would lose his cool over. He wasn’t sure if he was bothered because his friend was clearly upset, or if it was because someone _other_ than him had managed to knock him off balance.

“My fucking setter just cornered me in the locker room and told me that he was the playmaker, and that I better be exactly where he tells me to be _when_ he tells me.”

“Wow, does this guy not know you? And you _didn’t_ bite his head off?”

“He’s my senpai,” he spat bitterly. “Only by a year though. And this team was awful last year.”

“Sooo put him in his place?” Toru offered.

“It’s not that simple! Ughh!”

“What does your coach think”

“My coach is an idiot. My setter is an idiot. I’M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!” Iwaizumi yelled as Toru held his phone away from his ear.

Wakatoshi turned to face him, his eyebrows threatening to dissolve into his hairline. Toru just smiled and shook his head.

“And you’re not even here!” Iwaizumi added.

“Bet I don’t look like such an idiot now, do I?”

“Shut up,” he said, but with very little force behind it.

“Iwa-chan, you need to just go out there and play your game. Do what he says if it makes sense, but if he’s just being stupid, the others will pick up on it. You have gained a lot of very valuable game sense playing with me,” Iwaizumi growled in response to that, “so go out there and show it off. He’s not your captain, right?”

“No.”

“So calm down. Go out there and do what you do. You can’t be expected to follow advice that doesn’t make sense.”

Iwaizumi let out a loud sigh.

“I know. Sorry, I just needed to get that out so I didn’t take his head off.”

“Maybe that’s what he needs,” Toru teased.

“I guess it worked on you,” Iwaiuzmi said.

“Hey!”

“Ok, I need to get back to the gym. Thanks.”

“Anytime. Text me after the game.”

“Will do. Have fun with your boyfriend.”

“He’s not my – ”

But the line went dead.

He stared at the phone, mouth wide open.

“What was that about?” Wakatoshi asked, not turning around from where he was washing dishes.

“…I don’t think he’s doing very well without me…” Toru said, placing the phone down on the table.

“What do you mean?”

“Aside from when I was injured, he’s never played with another setter, and even then it was my kouhai, sorry, my junior, I guess. Someone I’d taught myself.”

“Really? You guys were together for that long? Always on the same team?”

“Yeah. I guess the setter on his new team is a bit of a tool…”

“Shit, sorry to hear.”

“He’ll sort it out. He just has no patience,” Toru laughed. “Ok. Let’s make dinner.”

“Want another drink?” Wakatoshi asks, placing his can down near the sink as it echoes with empty space.

“I just started this one!”

“Right,” Wakatoshi says, heading to the fridge for another one. “And don’t say it.”

Toru just grinned.

Toru chopped vegetables on the counter top, since he was still lacking a cutting board, while Wakatoshi washed all of his new dishes for him.

Soon he had a pile of veggies in his one and only large pot simmering nicely. He turned his attention to breading thin slices of pork and tossing them into a frying pan that Wakatoshi had just dried.

“You’re not bad in the kitchen,” Toru joked, now chopping up curry blocks.

“Only under the right direction,” Wakatoshi said.

“Have you ever had Katsu Curry?”

“Kats-what?”

“I’ll take that as a no,” Toru laughed. “This is greasy food for me. And I can only handle it every now and then.”

“Like McDonalds?”

“Well it’s cooked in vegetable oil, not fat and not in a deep fryer, so I think we’re at least a step ahead of McDonalds.”

“Sounds good,” Wakatoshi said, finishing another can of beer.

“Geez slow down,” Toru joked, trying not to come off as overbearing.

“Keep up,” Wakatoshi countered.

Toru decided that enough of the cooking was done, and that he could indulge himself. He picked up his can and took another large sip.

“There you go!” Wakatoshi said encouragingly, wrapping his arm anything but casually around Toru’s waist.

“Man, you are so not discrete,” Toru laughed.

“What?!” Wakatoshi demanded. “Is this bad?”

“Not at all,” Toru said, trying to relax into the touch. It still made him nervous, and it still made his head spin. But he knew he needed to just calm down and stop thinking so much.

He let Wakatoshi stand beside him, arm remaining around his waist as he flipped the pork culets with the chopsticks he’d bought at the store today.

“That smells so good,” Wakatoshi commented.

“Doesn’t it?” Toru smiled, checking on the rice on the back burner.

“You gotta teach me how to make this one too.”

“You’re watching, aren’t you??”

“Not really,” Wakatoshi admitted.

When Toru turned to give him an exasperated look, he found his stare directly on him. So that’s why he wasn’t paying attention.

He felt his face flush as he turned back to the stove to stir the curry.

This man was going to be his undoing.

Wakatoshi’s eyes appeared to almost pop out of his head when he tried the curry, making Toru’s heart swell with pride and warmth. He ended up having seconds and eating until he looked like he was going to fall on the ground.

“You going to be ok there?” Toru laughed, taking both bowls from the table and placing them in the sink with the rest of the dishes.

“I think I ate too much…” Even his voice sounded painful.

“Well I’d love to offer you a comfortable place to sit down, but… you know. There’s a nice sleeping bag you’re welcome to sit on.”

“Ha-ha,” Wakatoshi said flatly, no sign of laughter evident. “You know, the floor actually sounds a lot better than this chair right now.”

And he actually stood up and moved onto the floor, staring straight up at the ceiling with both hands cradling his full stomach. Toru had to laugh.

“Why don’t you leave those dishes and come down here,” Wakatoshi said suggestively.

Toru picked up his drink and finished it. He then reached into the fridge and grabbed two more cans, bringing them to the floor where he sat down and crossed his legs.

“I need a straw,” Wakatoshi whined as Toru put the new can of beer beside his head.

Toru chucked, and Wakatoshi smirked at him.

Before he knew what was happening, Toru had been grabbed, flipped, and draped on top of Wakatoshi. He grunted as he was flailed into the air, feeling as though the wind had been knocked out of him.

“Holy shit!” He exclaimed, trying to get into a more comfortable position where Wakatoshi’s hip _wasn’t_ poking holes in his stomach. Wakatoshi just pulled him closer.

“I haven’t showered, you know,” Toru said.

“Meh, don’t care,” Wakatoshi said, turning his head into the crook of Toru’s neck.

“Toshi, what are we doing?” Toru asked, the words out of his mouth before he even realized it.

“Toruuu,” he whined, “please don’t.”

Toru just sighed, releasing the tension in his muscles and allowing himself to just relax on top of the other man, taking in his clean scent.

“I just don’t understand.”

Wakatoshi roughly pushed Toru off of him and sat up beside him. Had Toru not been slightly buzzed from the beer, he probably would have felt the bruise forming on his left elbow, though perhaps it was already tender from all the diving receives he’d done. At least that was what he’d tell himself in the morning.

“The more you talk about this, the more I want to leave,” Wakatoshi said, his voice completely out of character, sounding more like the demanding captain he’d heard scolding the rest of the team the morning he’d met him.

“I’m sorry,” Toru said automatically, now realizing how quickly his heart was beating.

Shit, was he about to blow this? Was Wakatoshi about to actually get up and leave? This was his only real friend on this side of the world. Losing him was not an option.

He could feel himself panicking.

“It’s ok, pretend I didn’t say anything. We’re just having a good time, right?” Toru asked, feeling the shakiness in his own voice.

Wakatoshi eyed him carefully, as if judging whether or not he was being honest.

“Promise,” Toru said, picking up his drink. He held it out to cheers Wakatoshi in a gesture that came across as far more confident than he felt. But that was the point, right?

The tension in the room was palpable, and his heart was pounding in his ears, the second feeling like minutes as Wakatoshi studied him.

Was this going to be his make or break? What if he got shut down? Where would he go from there? Could he keep playing on this team? Would he be able to face Wakatoshi after something like this?

Finally, the other man cracked a grin, and held up his beer can to tap Toru’s before chugging the can.

Toru did the same, welcoming the burning of the carbonation against his throat, taking in every ounce of liquid courage he could.

“Come here, you,” Wakatoshi said, grabbing Toru around the neck and shoulders and pulling him towards him again.

* * *

 

Toru was shocked that he actually made it to school on time the next morning. He’d woken up late with a headache only to find that he’d forgotten to set his alarm, and he was due in class in 30 minutes. He’d jumped out of bed, brushed his teeth and literally ran to school. Morning practice was cancelled because they had a game after school thankfully, or he would have been in serious trouble for missing practice right after being late to the previous one. Normally he’d be worried about two games in two nights, especially given this was their first official match, but he hadn’t played much last night so he felt ok about it.

It felt weird being in class with some time to breathe. Normally he’d stay late at practice and have to run to class and sneak in just before, if not after, the lecture started.

He picked a seat about half way down the stairs and over to the far right. He liked being by the window, feeling that the natural light would keep him awake. He kind of wished he’d picked up a coffee in the extra time he had though.

He and Wakatoshi had had a few more drinks after their awkward argument, and his head was still aching. Then after he’d left, Toru had lied in bed with his head spinning, unable to sleep. He hadn’t taken a sleeping pill because it was close to 2am by the time he’d tried to sleep, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to wake up if he’d taken it that late. Oh well, he’d survived like this before; he’d just have to do it again.

“Hey Toru!”

He looked up to find Tadashi walking down the stairs. He stopped at the end of the aisle and looked hesitantly in his direction.

Toru smiled and said “hey.”

Tadashi grinned as well and came over. “Ok if I sit here?”

“Sure,” Toru said.

“You got your voice back. It’s weird to hear you talk,” he laughed.

Toru giggled somewhat uncomfortably. “Where’s Kei?”

“I’m not sure, he should be here anytime,” Tadashi said, glancing over his shoulder at the entrance. “Oh, there he is.” He waved, catching Kei’s eye.

“Hey,” Kei said, looking over at Toru.

“Hey Tsukki,” Tadashi said in his usual happy-go-lucky tone.

“Why did you move out?” Kei said immediately, as if not even noticing Tadashi was there.

_Shit_ , he thought to himself. He was not ready to have this conversation. And furthermore, Kei didn’t even know why?

“What? You moved out?” Tadashi interrupted.

“Um, your mom didn’t say anything to you?”

“No, she won’t say anything about it. She just keeps crying. What did you say to her?” He asked accusingly.

Shit, not only did Kei not know why, it appeared to him that it was Toru’s fault. This hadn’t even crossed his mind in the fury of circumstances and consequences that had been attacking him for the last 36 hours.

The professor was pulling up his slides on Momentum, and the clock indicated class was about to start.

“Um, I don’t think now is the best time. Can we maybe talk after class?”

Tadashi glanced nervously between Toru and Kei on either sides of him.

“Guess we don’t have a choice,” Kei said quietly as the class began to quiet down.

“I’ve got a break after class,” Toru said.

“Same,” Kei said.

And so began a very awkward hour and a half lecture that Toru would eventually have to teach himself. He suspected that Kei and Tadashi would likely be doing the same.

Was he really going to tell them? The only person he’d told other than Wakatoshi was Teri, and look where that got him. And why wouldn’t Teri tell Kei? She had the audacity kick him out, but not to tell her family why?

He still felt betrayed by her, but did he have it in him to tell her son what obviously she hadn’t? Would it turn him against her? Or would it just make Kei hate him too…

Toru almost wished it was just Tadashi. He seemed far less judgmental, and he could likely advise whether or not to tell Kei.

Oh well, at least he really had nothing to lose. It’s not as if he was friends with these two. The worst that could happen would be that they might spread the details of his sexuality with other people. But even then, he didn’t really care. The only reason he cared was for Wakatoshi’s sake. Or maybe it was for his own sake. If everyone knew Toru was gay, would Wakatoshi still want anything to do with him? Would he still spend time with him? This had crossed his mind on more than one occasion. It was tricky too, because unless he let the information out, he was never going to find a guy, but at the same time, the only one he really wanted right now was Wakatoshi. Too bad Wakatoshi didn’t want him in that sense. It was depressing to think about

As class ended, Kei seemed to be getting more and more agitated, to the point where he almost seemed aggressive.

“Where to?” Tadashi asked as they stood up to pack up their things.

“Somewhere private,” Kei said.

Toru just nodded.

Kei muttered something about a study room upstairs in the building they were currently in that was usually unoccupied. Toru simply followed them upstairs.

They came upon a small room with a table and four chairs, a white board, and a large window. Along the rest of the hall was a couple more study rooms as well as offices and a computer lab. The wing was, for the most part, deserted.

“Alright, what the hell happened?” Kei asked, pulling the door closed behind them.

Yep, he was super pissed off.

“Tsukki…” Tadashi urged, clearly trying to calm his friend down.

For this, Toru was grateful, but it wasn’t really working.

“Shut up, Yama,” Kei said, much more forcefully than Toru had heard before.

“Fuck,” Toru muttered to himself.

“Spill it,” Kei said impatiently.

“I don’t know if I should even be telling you this,” Toru said quietly, turning away from the pair to face the window, wondering if he should just leave.

“Don’t you fucking dare!” Kei said loudly. Before Toru knew what was happening, the taller man had grabbed him by the collar of his jacket and shoved him against the wall. “What happened!?” He demanded.

“Tsukki!” Tadashi wailed, grabbing his friend’s other hand.

“She asked me if I was gay!” Toru finally cried, looking Kei directly in the eye.

Both Kei and Tadashi gasped.

Kei’s eyes widened, as if Toru had just slapped him, and he automatically released Toru. He slid to the ground, feeling light headed and exhausted.

“Fuck,” Kei muttered, slamming the bottom of his first into the wall, though without much conviction.

Toru remained on the ground, feeling his eyes closing on him. Had he volunteered that information? Or had Kei forced it out of him? He wasn’t sure.

Though, he supposed it didn’t really matter. The truth was out.

“Toru, are you ok?” Tadashi asked, kneeling beside him.

Toru reached up to his collar to readjust it. “Fine,” he said.

He heard what sounded like a chair dragging across the floor, and a body collapsing into it. He glanced up to find his suspicions confirmed. Kei was seated at the table, his forehead rested against his right hand which was propped up on his elbow against the table.

Tadashi also glanced up at his friend, then back down at Toru, offering him a hand. Toru looked up and made eye contact with a very sincere looking Tadashi, then took his hand. Something about having him present made him feel stronger. Like Tadashi wouldn’t judge him, nor would he let Kei get carried away.

“Sorry,” Kei whispered as Toru was pulled to his feet.

“It’s fine,” Toru replied, taking a seat at the table as well.

“I didn’t know,” Kei said, still not looking up. “I wish my mother would have fucking said something.” The bitterness in his voice leaked out like a poorly constructed roof in a torrential downpour.

“She didn’t say anything?” Toru asked. Tadashi now took a seat next to Toru, both of them facing Kei. His positioning caught Toru’s attention, making him feel like he had an ally. It warmed his heart ever so slightly.

“No,” he spat, “She just said that you’d decided to leave.”

“I see,” Toru said. In all honesty, he _had_ decided to move out, but had he not made that choice, she likely would have made it for him given the fact that she’d contacted the school. Maybe Kei didn’t need to know that though.

“What did she say to you?” Kei asked, finally looking up and making eye contact.

“Asked if I was gay. I wasn’t going to lie,” Toru said honestly.

“Did she tell you to leave?” Kei asked, his voice a bit shaky.

“No. But she mentioned therapy and getting me help. I’m not ashamed of who I am, and I’m not about to burden myself on anyone who is.” He wasn’t sure where the courage to share this was coming from, but it kind of felt good. Almost like he was unloading his problems with Teri on her son instead. But when he thought of it that way, it probably wasn’t fair to Kei. He really didn’t have anything to do with it.

“I’m sorry,” Kei said again, averting his gaze.

“Stop saying that. It’s fine. Now if you’d like to carry on not knowing me and wanting nothing to do with me, I can leave,” Toru said, bracing his hands against the table, about to stand up.

But a hand found his wrist, and stopped him from sliding his chair backward. It was Tadashi’s.

“I don’t want to not know you. You’re a friend, Toru,” Tadashi said sincerely.

Toru looked at him and felt a lump form at the back of his throat. It was the first time he’d heard someone say it since he’d arrived here.

He didn’t have the words to respond, so he simply nodded.

But was brought back to reality by the blonde sitting across from him, his glasses reflecting the light into Toru’s eyes as he turned his head.

“I can still leave…” Toru finally said.

Kei still didn’t make eye contact until Toru heard a kick from under the table. He could only conclude that Tadashi had kicked him, because his eyes shot straight to Toru’s.

“It’s fine,” Kei finally said. “You should stay.”

“Um, I’m going to get some coffee,” Tadashi said, letting go of Toru’s hand and standing up from his chair. “Toru, how do you take yours?”

“It’s fine, I don’t need any.”

“Black,” Kei answered quickly. “He takes it black.”

Toru stared back at Kei, shocked that he’d remembered.

Tadashi offered a shy smile, then let himself out of the room. It was painfully obvious that he wanted to give the two a few minutes to talk alone. But Toru wished he’d stayed. He felt more comfortable with him present.

“So where are you living?” Kei asked, breaking the silence in an uncharacteristic manner.

“Um, the international student department set me up in an apartment off campus.”

“Student housing?”

“Yeah.”

“How is it?”

“It’s fine. It’s just a studio, but it’s all I need,” Toru said honestly.

Kei dropped his gaze back to his hands which were folded together, almost anxiously, on the table. “I’m sorry my mom did that. It wasn’t her place.”

“It’s her house. If she doesn’t want me there, I don’t want to be there.”

“You could have lied and said you were straight,” Kei offered. “Though you obviously had no idea how she’d react.”

“I actually had a pretty good idea from the day she asked me to come to church with you guys.”

“And you still told her the truth?”

“I’m not hiding who I am. What happens if I find someone? Do I just hide them from my surrogate family? That’s not fair to anyone.”

“I guess so. I’d just think you’d be used to hiding…”

“Well I’m not. I’ve never hidden who I am. I don’t go out of my way to share it with people, but I’m not going to lie if they ask.”

“That’s really brave of you,” Kei said quietly.

Toru stared at him wide eyed. Who the hell was this guy? He would have never expected a sincere person to come out of that well guarded shell of a human being he’d met the day he arrived in America. And why was it coming out now? He’d been such a jerk on day one.

“So you and Ushijima…”

“What?” Toru asked, completely blindsided.

“Are you guys a thing?”

“What? N-no!” He stuttered. “Seriously?!”

“I just wondered. He came over and looked after you when you were sick…”

“No. Not at all. He’s straight.”

“Oh,” Kei said. “Sorry.”

Toru felt his face burning, and he knew he was blushing. Kei would have to be a complete idiot to miss what Toru was fully displaying across his face. And he mentally kicked himself for it. He could feel Kei’s eyes on him, and a part of him wanted to dart from the room before Kei could say or even think anything.

But soon after, the door to the small study room opened again, and Tadashi returned with a tray of coffee, setting it down in the center of the table. It was as though he could sense Toru’s discomfort, because he quickly changed the subject to the student’s he’d walked by having a heated debate about one’s ability to colonize Antarctica. It was so ridiculous that Toru wondered if Tadashi had simply made it up on the spot to break the tension in the room.

“Thanks,” Toru said, taking the coffee, but catching Tadashi’s eye to show him that it was really more than that.

“So, game day today, hey Toru?” Tadashi asked, sitting down at the table and easing the tension in the entire room. “Do you know if you’re starting?”

“I think so,” Toru said honestly.

“We were going to come and watch,” Tadashi said with a smile, glancing over at Kei.

“Oh, really?” Toru was legitimately surprised. He hadn’t had a friend in the stands since arriving here.

“Yeah,” Tadashi sad, meeting Kei’s eye.

Toru reached into his backpack and withdrew his wallet. He quickly produced two tickets to the game tonight and handed them to Tadashi. “Don’t feel like you have to come, but we get tickets to all home games and I don’t really have anyone to give them to.”

“Nice! Now we’re definitely going!” Tadashi cried. Even Kei’s eyes seemed to light up a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read/kudos'd/commented! It means the world to me. Every comment inspires me to keep going <3
> 
> You can thank ShatteredEpiphany for this update! Without her it probably would have taken me a lot longer to get this up!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure why, but I was really nervous about posting this chapter and it took me forever to edit it enough to the point where I felt comfortable doing so. Anyway, as you were....

They won their first regular season game. Easily, at that. And yet they still felt the need to celebrate as though they’d just won nationals.

Toru first found himself at a pub. He’d been handed two pieces of identification with his photo on them stating that he was older than he actually was. When he’d asked Tendou where the fake ID’s had come from, he’s simply been told to not ask questions he didn’t want answers to. He’d pondered over it for a while until the pitchers of beer started arriving. They went fast, but the seemed to just keep filling themselves. It also appeared that as more time passed on, the more girls seemed to be finding their wait to the team’s table. Toru was pretty sure that the girl currently in Leon’s lap was actually one of the waitresses.

Just as Toru was nearly unable to fend off a perky blonde girl with a huge bust, Wakatoshi pulled him out from under her and announced that they were leaving. He’d been relieved, wondering if perhaps Wakatoshi had felt jealous, and swelling with a small amount of pride at the rescue.

But he quickly found that they were simply moving onto a house party. He was pulled into the back of someone’s car, squished tightly between Wakatoshi and Tendou and driven into some residential neighborhood that boasted large houses complete with white picket fences. The destination was perhaps the most grandiose, at the end of the street standing at three stories high overshadowing a large waterfall off to the side of the house that was well lit up against the darkness.

“Damn…” Toru muttered as they got out of the car.

“It’s Breanne Thomas’s house,” Tendou explained, “her parents are away for the weekend. Oh man look! Beer pong!”

“What’s th – ”

His question was soon answered as they came into what appeared to be a dining room with the large oak table pushed against the wall. Several smaller tables had been moved into the room, and there were series’ of cups laid out on said tables. He quickly grasped the idea of the game, opposing teams tossing Ping-Pong balls into each other’s cups.

“Toshi!” Someone called from across the room. A tall guy with light brown hair and a thin frame approached him, the pair clasping hands and pulling each other into what Toru was beginning to understand to be the American version of a male-male hug.

“I need a beer pong partner. Someone needs to take out Dylan and Jason. They’re killing everyone. You in?”

Wakatoshi looked like he was going to glance back at Toru, but he nodded instead.

“Looks like you’re stuck with me,” Tendou said, wrapping his arm around Toru’s shoulder.

“I’ve never played before,” Toru confessed.

“I have, but I never seem to get any better at it,” he laughed.

 _Great_ , Toru thought to himself. He still wasn’t quite sure of the rules, but he had a feeling that losing probably didn’t bode well. That was typically how drinking games worked, right?

The party was in full swing. The whole bottom floor, which seemed to be quite large and spacious, was blaring with loud music. With the exception of the room where the beer pong was taking place, most of the main lights seemed to be off or at least dimmed, and several laser lights and black lights had been set up. People were dancing and there seemed to be no shortage of alcohol. Beer pong glasses were being refilled at a stack of what looked like kegs, and people were walking around carrying platters of shots. Tendou grabbed a couple off a random tray and handed one to Toru.

“Cheers,” he said, holding his up.

“What is it?” Toru asked, looking down into the small red cup filled with amber liquid.

“No idea,” Tendou said, tapping the cup to Toru’s on his own and downing the shot.

“Mm, rum,” he said.

Toru hesitantly drank his own, feeling the burn on the back of his throat as his face contorted in disgust.

Tendou just laughed, retrieving a can of coke from somewhere nearby, opening it and handing it to him. “Such a baby,” he snickered. “Tell me you at least drink beer.”

“Yes, that I can do,” Toru replied after taking several sips from the can. “Thanks.”

As soon as they started playing, Toru understood why Tendou had said he wasn’t very good. For someone who was as good at volleyball as he was, it was shocking how uncoordinated he was when it came to simply tossing a Ping-Pong ball into a cup. The guy couldn’t even hit the rim. It was like he had no depth perception.

Toru managed to sink three shots in the time that the other team hit all six of theirs, and the game was quickly lost. Luckily the cups were only half full of beer at this point, so he’d only had to drink the equivalent of a glass and a half, but still he felt it. Especially after the shot and the two drinks he’d had at the pub.

Their second game was against Wakatoshi and his buddy, who Toru quickly learned was named Kenjiro. It was a good thing that Tendou’s poor performance had the opposing team laughing so hard, because Wakatoshi was actually good, and if he’d been given the chance to focus properly, he probably would have sunk all six shots in a row.

“Maybe we should make a rule that whoever fails to sink a shot has to drink,” Wakatoshi teased as Tendou missed yet another shot.

“Shut up,” he grunted, retrieving the ball that Wakatoshi then failed to sink.

“Toru, how did you get stuck with this guy?”

“Uhhh,” he half muttered, sinking his own shot.

“Maybe you should start focusing on the game, eh Toshi?” Tendou teased as Wakaotshi drank.

“No no,” Toru said, “this tactic is working. Keep talking.”

“Yeah,” keep tossing beaks,” Tendou laughed. But Kenjiro sunk his next shot, leading to their second defeat.

Toru was really starting to feel buzzed, and Tendou was forcing yet another shot into his hands. This was one was clear.

Toru glanced around and located his can of pop before swallowing the shot and being shoved back into another game.

“I swear if you don’t start improving I’m going to abandon you as a partner,” Toru said under his breath, surprised at himself for saying it.

Luckily Tendou seemed to think it was funny in his half drunk state.

“Toru!” Someone called. He was surprised he heard it over the music. He looked up from the beer he was currently trying to stomach to see Tadashi pushing his way through people towards him. Kei was walking at a normal pace behind him, his longer legs making up for Tadashi’s speed.

“Hey,” he said, knowing that the other would immediately know he was basically drunk.

“You’re playing beer pong, that’s awesome!” Tadashi had a drink in his hand, as did Kei who looked as un-amused as ever.

“Yeah,” Toru said flatly, as another ball landed in their cup. “That ones yours,” he said to Tendou.

“You got it!” Tendou said, happy as a child, tossing the beer back quicker than Toru could finish his previous one. Tendou then took his shot, missing by a much larger margin than previously, and Toru just sighed heavily.

“Want to take over?” He whispered to Tadashi.

“No I’m good, but Tsukki is pretty good at it!”

“Shut up, Yama,” Kei said in response.

Their opponents hit their last shot, eliminating Toru and Tendou.

“Aright!” Toru began, picking up the last cup. “I found you a new partner. Kei, meet Tendou. Tendou, Kei.”

“Alright!!!!” Tendou took it completely in stride, his arm finding its way around Kei’s shoulders much like it had around Toru’s not an hour earlier.

Kei glared at Toru, but stepped in anyway.

Tadashi thought it was hilarious.

“Awesome game, by the way! Congrats on the win!” Tadashi said.

“Thanks.”

“Do you need another drink?” Tadashi asked, holding his up.

“No, not at all. I just lost three rounds of beer pong very quickly.”

Tadashi laughed at this.

Toru glanced over at where Wakatoshi was playing another game. He and his friend now both had girls hanging off of them. It was hard for Toru to watch.

“Wanna go find some air?” Tadashi suggested, a look of understanding written across his face.

“Yeah.”

They made their way through the room, someone shoving two shots in their faces, Tadashi taking both of them then pushing passed the guy. They found their way upstairs and onto a balcony. This floor was quieter with several doors closed. Toru had a sneaking suspicion that there was a lot more going on than met the eye behind those doors.

“Ahhh,” Tadashi sighed, placing the shots and his drink on the railing and leaning backwards against it.

Toru also took in a deep breath. He hadn’t realized how badly he’d felt like he was suffocating.

“So…” Tadashi said, taking a sip from his solo cup, “You and Wakatoshi…” he trailed off.

Toru stared blankly at him.

“Are you guys… you know…?”

“What? No!”

“Really?”

Toru could feel his face flushing painfully, and he wondered how much Tadashi could see in the dark as he wrung his hands together nervously.

“I was so sure! The way he came and looked after you when you were sick…”

“Did you think that before I told you I was gay?” Toru asked, forcing his voice to sound as normal as possible.

Tadashi looked panic stricken, like he’d been caught in a lie.

“Wait,” Toru began, putting the pieces together. “Did you know I was gay before I told you?”

It was Tadashi’s turn to look embarrassed, and Toru realized that you could indeed see a face flushing red even with the poor lighting. Ok, but at least they were both red-faced now.

“I guessed… I’m sorry, does that bother you?”

Toru forcibly relaxed his shoulders and leaned into the railing a little more, facing forward. “No. It’s fine. I’ve never tried to hide who I am. I’m just more curious as to how you figured it out.”

“Gaydar?” Tadashi suggested. As soon as he said the word, Toru realized that his voice was shaking.

“Wait – are you…”

“Yeah,” Tadashi said, much too quickly. His face was now beat red and he giggled uneasily.

“I had no idea,” Toru commented, attempting to read between the lines.

“I’m not like you,” Tadashi said, wringing his fingers together. “I do hide it. In fact… you’re the first person I’ve ever told.”

“What?! Why?” Toru exclaimed. “I mean… not why. Sorry. It’s just… Wow…

“Wait, so not even Kei knows? Aren’t you guys like… pretty close?”

“Yeah, he’s been my best friend since we were little kids. But no, I’ve never told him.”

“Can I ask why?”

“I don’t know. I wanted to be different. I still sort of do. I want to like girls and be normal.”

“And now?” Toru asked inquisitively, not missing a beat.

Tadashi took another drink from his cup. This one quite a bit larger; it seemed to be giving him courage.

“I don’t’ know. You’re gay and you’re still really cool.”

“You think I’m cool?” Toru asked, surprised. “I didn’t think anyone here thought I was cool,” he laughed to cover up how uncomfortable he felt. Japan had been so different. He wasn’t exactly cool there, but he was definitely accepted, and he was popular for whatever reason, especially with the girls. Apparently the notion of attractiveness did not in fact follow you across continents. It was completely subject to the country and the culture.

“Yeah! You’re a great volleyball player and you’re good looking and you just sort of give off this confident aura,” Tadashi trailed off, seeming to lose his pattern of thought. “Sorry, is ok that I say you’re good looking?”

“Of course! I want to hear that from everyone,” he laughed.

“I’m not interested in you like that. I mean… I think you’re awesome… but… ugh!” He was losing it completely now.

Toru put his hand on Tadashi’s to calm him. “Relax, Tadashi. You’re fine. You can’t say anything to me that’s going to make me judge you. I’m actually honored to be the first person you’re telling.”

“I want to tell Kei, especially now that I saw how he reacted to you. He seems like he might be ok with it. But I mean, we’ve been friends forever. What if he doesn’t accept me?”

“Why wouldn’t he? It’s not like you’re confessing your love to him, you’re just telling him you prefer men to women. Unless…”

Tadashi turned to look him in the eye, his face glowing and even brighter shade of red.

“Oh my God! You do have feelings for him!”

“SHHH!” Tadashi squealed looking quickly around the balcony, his shoulders tensing up to his ears. He looked like he might cry.

“Sorry,” Toru automatically whispered. “Seriously?”

“I know!” He wailed, smacking himself in the forehead. “I’m so fucked!”

Toru thought he might actually be crying, and he wondered how much Tadashi had had to drink already. He put his hand on his shoulder, suddenly feeling much closer to him.

“I need another drink,” Tadashi said.

“Shots?” Toru offered, nodding at the two small plastic cups on the railing in front of them.

“Yeah,” Tadashi breathed.

The picked up their shots, tapped them together and swallowed. Toru coughed, wishing he still had his can of pop. Tadashi drank it easily, appearing as he’d just drunk a glass of water.

His coughing fit got a grin out of Tadashi, but he quickly reverted to his previous state, hands on the side of his head wailing, “who the hell falls for their best friend?!”

Toru found himself inside of his head in a place that he’d avoided since he’d arrived here. He’d had so much going on that he hadn’t even had time to think of it. Now that it had surfaced though, it seemed like an alright time to bring it up. Maybe it would hurt less than it had before.

“Funny you should ask,” Toru began hesitantly. “I did the same thing.”

“What?” Tadashi asked, turning to Toru.

“It’s actually part of the reason I moved here.”

Tadashi stared blankly at him, clearly waiting for him to fill in the blanks.

Toru took a deep breath, steeling himself for the pain he was about to undoubtedly feel.

“My best friend in Japan. I’ve known him since grade school as well. I think I’d always kind of had feelings for him, but it wasn’t until my last year in high school that I really came to terms with them.”

“Is he straight?” Tadashi asked.

“I’m not sure. For the longest time I thought so, but now I’m not so sure.”

“Does he know you’re gay?”

“Yeah. If he is, I don’t think he’s reconciled with it yet. In fact, I don’t think he’s really matured that way at all. He never seemed interested in guys or girls.”

“That kind of sounds like Tsukki.”

“Yeah?” Toru asked, immediately comparing Kei to Iwaizumi and having a hard time with the image. But it was kind of accurate. He didn’t know Kei that well, but they were both standoffish and neither seemed to interact with new people very well. They also both seemed to have a hard time with their own feelings.

“Did you ever tell your friend how you felt?” Tadashi asked carefully, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

Toru leaned further forward on the railing, feeling his shoulders slouch. “No.”

“So you just left the country?”

“Well the invite was there regardless, and it seemed like a good idea either way. I thought maybe some time away from him would help me get over him.”

“Shit, maybe I should move to Japan,” Tadashi joked. “Do you still talk to him?”

“Yeah, almost every day. He’s still my best friend, and I hope he always will be.”

“That’s amazing. Do you think you would ever tell him how you feel?”

“I’m not sure. I was always kind of waiting for an opportunity to present itself, and it never did.”

“What kind of opportunity?”

“I don’t know. I thought I’d know when it came though,” Toru mulled. “What about you? Do you think you’d tell Kei?”

“I don’t know, probably not. You know how his family is. There’s no way he could be like me… us.”

“But he surprised you already, right? When he accepted me?”

“Yeah, true.” Tadashi said. “Maybe I will one day. But telling you was a huge step.”

“Yeah considering you hardly know me at all,” Toru laughed, feeling his head clouding over and his chest aching slightly. He’d opened a wound he hadn’t been expecting to open tonight.

“Well I kind of feel like I know you now,” Tadashi said, a smile evident in his words despite the fact that he was facing away from Toru.

“Yeah, same with you.”

“So, Wakatoshi, what about him?” Tadashi asked.

“What _about_ him?” Toru asked.

“You say there’s nothing there, but if you had it your way, would there be?”

He felt cornered, less because Tadashi had asked him this, and more because he’d really failed to answer the question himself. “I don’t know.”

“Do you want to elaborate?” Tadashi asked.

“I don’t know,” Toru said again.

Tadashi remained quiet, giving Toru the space to think, but the atmosphere was not a pressing one.

“I think I like him, but I don’t know how much. It doesn’t feel like it does with Iwa-chan, but there’s definitely something.”

“Do you think he likes you back?”

Toru took a deep breath and sighed loudly. That was the question he’d been asking himself. “He’s straight.”

“Is that what he told you?”

“Yeah,” Toru said, leaving it at that.

“I think he’s lying,” Tadashi said confidently.

“Why do you say that?” Toru was really curious now. Tadashi had correctly guessed his own orientation; perhaps he could predict Wakatoshi’s too.

“Because of the way he looks at you.”

Toru couldn’t help the smile that fell into place across his face.

“You do like him!” Tadashi squealed.

“Ok, I do,” Toru said giddily, “but he makes me so nervous! He’s so intense and I feel like he has this power over me that I’ve never experienced before. And I’m falling so hard that it would be so easy for him to crushed me with a single hand.”

“Oh man, you’ve got it bad,” Tadashi laughed.

“Shut up!” Toru whined.

“It’s ok, you aren’t the only one.”

“Oh Tadashi,” Toru said, wrapping his arm around the other, “I wasn’t expecting to find a new friend tonight.”

“Neither was I. Thanks for listening to me. Do you want to go back downstairs?”

“I guess we should,” Toru said. “I wonder how Kei is doing with Tendou.”

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Tadashi said. “He’s with his own kind.”

“What do you mean by that?” Toru asked, turning to face the boy in his arm.

“Jocks.”

“Ah,” Toru laughed. “Even if they’re new people?”

“He’s had a few drinks. He’ll be fine.”

Toru just laughed.

When they made it back downstairs, they found their friends far more intoxicated than when they had left them. Tadashi quickly pounded back two more shots before procuring drinks for both he and Toru in order to ‘catch up’ as he phrased it. They were then shoved into a beer pong match together against Kei and Tendou. Toru was looking forward to getting back at Tendou for being so terrible earlier. Kei on the other hand, had other ideas. He was actually a good player despite how drunk and loud he’d gotten.

Toru was distracted, though trying to tear his eyes away from where Wakatoshi was leaning against the counter with a well proportioned scantily clad red-haired girl with either a serious push up bra or a simply a well endowed rack. Or perhaps both. He kept glancing over there, hoping that Wakatoshi would redirect his attention to him. It wasn’t happening, and he could feel Tadashi’s eyes on him, which made him feel even worse about it.

Toru nearly jumped when Tadashi put his hand around Toru’s shoulder, pulling him close and whispering his game tactic in his ear. It was as simple as insisting that they go for the edge cups, leaving the middle ones for later, but it seemed to accomplish something else.

Seconds later, Wakatoshi was at the side of the table, hands in his pockets as he watched the game.

“Hey,” Toru said timidly, catching Tadashi’s smile out of the corner of his eyes.

Toru started to lose it after that game. They put a bet on it, stating that the losers had to do five shots between the two players. Kei ended up single handedly beating Tadashi and Toru, and the two had laughed, taking their first shots through linked arms. By the last half shot however, Toru was really feeling it, but he got dragged back into another game, this time with Wakatoshi against Kei and Tadashi.

* * *

 

His head hurt.

That was his first thought upon waking up.

Where the hell am I?

That was his second.

He was in a bed; he was able to make out that much. His eyes were burning, probably because he still had his contacts in. He could feel them. That, along with the fact that the room was unusually bright, made it very difficult to open his eyes. For a second he thought that he was back at the Tsukishima residence.

That thought was put to rest however, when he realized that he was surrounded by blue. Blue walls, blue sheets, blue pillow, and blue blanket made up the small view he could make out of in front of him.

Damn, did his head ever hurt. He clenched his eyes against the pain, wondering if it would pass if he went back to sleep.

“You alive?”

The deep voice was familiar, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

“Hey,” the voice came again, this time it came along with a weight on the bed behind him.

As he shifted, he quickly realized he had no shirt on, then followed to find that he also had no pants. He nearly went into cardiac arrest before realizing he at least had his boxers, and his socks, for whatever reason.

But he was in someone else’s bed. And that voice was definitely familiar. What the hell had happened?

Wakatoshi came into his field of view, and his heart rate quickened once more.

Toru looked frantically around the room. “How did I get here?” His voice was hoarse and his throat was full of phlegm. His mouth tasted like death had invaded and inhabited it.

“You don’t remember?” Wakatoshi asked, a hint of amusement visible on his face as he picked up a coffee cup from the night table.

Toru wracked his brain, grasping at straws in terms of what had happened last night.

 _Ok, think back, what happened yesterday?_ He asked himself. The game. They’d won their game, then ended up at a party.

Yes, the party! Oh no. The party…

He remembered playing beer pong and drinking a lot. He also remembered talking to Tadashi out on the balcony. Oh man, that was a heavy talk. But after that, there was nothing.

“I remember being at the party and playing beer pong,” Toru offered, hoping Wakatoshi would fill in the blanks.

“So you remember nothing after that?”

“WHAT! Tell me what happened!” Toru demanded. He was starting to freak out. What the heck at he done? He was sleeping in Wakatoshi’s bed; had they…?

“Calm down! You just got really drunk and I had to drag your ass back here and put you to bed.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. You get really loud when you’re drunk. First you were trying to get everyone to dance. Then after you succeeded you got super flirty and you kept trying to quietly pull me into a bedroom. But you weren’t very discrete.”

“Oh my God seriously?”

“Yeah,” Wakatoshi grinned.

Fuck, at least he thought it was funny. It would be just like Toru to out himself and drag Wakatoshi into it. It didn’t sound like that had happened though. He doubted very much that Wakatoshi would have brought him back here had that happened.”

“…and then when we got back here… you…”

“What? I what??”

He looked into Toru’s eyes, seemingly he was contemplating whether or not to share a piece of information with him.

“Nothing. You were just funny last night. You don’t remember anything?”

Toru buried his face in his pillow and rolled over. “No.” He’d heard enough. He didn’t want to know anymore.

As he stretched out his arms over his head he realized his left arm hurt. “Ouch,” he squealed.

“What?”

He flexed his arm, but found he couldn’t straighten it completely at the elbow. And damn it hurt!

“My arm is sore…”

“What’d you do to it?”

“I have no idea.”

Wakatoshi burst out laughing. “Drunken injures. Way to go.”

“Seriously it hurts!” He whined.

“You probably slept on it funny,” Wakatoshi offered.

“Yeah I guess,” Toru said, still attempting to straighten it. “So um, what was I saying to you last night? You said I was flirty.”

“I have no idea,” Wakatoshi said. “I was drunk too, remember?”

“Well as long as neither of us remembers what happened I guess it doesn’t matter,” Toru said, forcing a sheepish laugh.

Wakatoshi just shook his head and stifled a grin.

“Why does my head hurt so badly?” Toru wailed, slamming his eyes shut and tossing his good arm over them.

“That’s called a hangover. It’s what happens when you get black out drunk.”

“Ugh it’s horrible,” he whined. “Why do people do this to themselves? I feel sick.”

“Get your ass out of bed and come have some coffee. You’ll feel better,” Wakatoshi said, picking himself up off the bed.

“Why aren’t you hungover?”

“Because I drank water last night. And I’ve been up for a while.”

“Why didn’t I drink water?”

“I don’t know, I told you to but you wouldn’t.”

“That doesn’t sound like me.”

“Something about bloating your stomach?”

“Oh, ok maybe that does sound like me,” Toru said, feeling his face flush. He hated having a bloated stomach when there was a chance someone was going to see him without a shirt on. What _had_ he been thinking last night? And where had they been going…

He wanted to ask, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“Come get some coffee.”

He sat up as Wakatoshi left the room, hand quickly jumping to his forehead as his head pounded. He needed to do something about his contacts. But first he needed to find his clothing. And where the heck was his phone?

“How do you take your coffee?” Wakatoshi called from the kitchen.

“Black,” he attempted to say, but his voice was quiet.

“Seriously?” Wakatoshi asked, his voice getting closer.

“Yeah, why?” He looked around the room, finding his shirt and pants tossed over the chair beside the bed.

“I wouldn’t have taken you for a black coffee drinker,” Wakatoshi smiled.

“What? Why?”

“After all the fruity drinks you discovered last night, swearing each one was your all time favourite drink,” Wakatoshi laughed.

Toru sighed. He was never going to hear the end of this.

“That’s probably why your head hurts so badly. Usually sugary drinks are the worst.”

“Great…” He muttered, pulling his shirt over his head, then standing to put his pants on. “I don’t suppose you have contact solution around here, do you?”

“No. Since when do you wear contacts?”

“Since always,” Toru said, leaning into the mirror on the wall to pull them from his eyes. He couldn’t stand to have them in anymore. These ones were getting old anyway, so he didn’t feel terrible sacrificing them.

“I didn’t know.”

“Well I didn’t know you were a pro at beer pong. We both learned something new,” Toru said, attempting to draw the attention away from himself.

“I bet you look really good in glasses.”

“Bet I don’t,” he shot back. “Now what about that coffee?”

“Oh my god you’re avoiding it! I need to see you in glasses!” Wakatoshi said, sounding less like himself than ever. Toru was beginning to see a pattern here. “Do you have them with you?”

“No I don’t. If I did I wouldn’t be walking around blind right now.”

Lies. He totally would be.

“Why not?!”

“Because they don’t leave my house. Coffee!” He wailed. He was not in the mood for this.

“Ok ok, calm down four-eyes.”

“Don’t even!”

Wakatoshi just laughed as Toru resisted the urge to punch him. As he attempted to let his arms hang at his sides however, he felt the strain in his left elbow again. He wondered how he was going to play like this.

“Wait, don’t we have practice today? What time is it?” He asked, squinting at the clock on the microwave.

“Coach rescheduled it to later.”

Toru stared sideways at him. It didn’t seem like the type of thing their coach would do.

“Sometimes he’ll do that after game day.”

“Right. Got it,” he said, keeping his arm bent and holding it protectively against his body.

Wakatoshi just leaned against the counter, staring at him with what appeared to be a grin on his face. “Why are you so awake, not to mention alive right now? You have no right to be so chipper when I feel like I just got my head bashed against a wall.”

Wakatoshi stared at him in disbelief, then burst out into an atrocious laughter.

“Whaaaat?” Toru demanded, taking a loud sip from his too-hot coffee

“Did you just say chipper?”

“…maybe.” Toru glared back at him.

Wakatoshi laughed, “I wasn’t aware you knew a word like that.”

Toru continued to glare, focusing on making sure his eyes were locked with Wakatoshi’s despite the fact that he couldn’t see well at all. He continued to sip his coffee.

“Damn, how do you drink that so quickly?”

“Practice,” Toru deadpanned.

Wakatoshi poured himself another cup of coffee, adding liberal amounts of milk to his own, then taking long, slow sips from it.

“So do I need to take you home to get your glasses before practice?”

“No, I have an extra set of contacts in my bag at school.”

“Gotcha,” Wakatoshi said, sounding slightly disappointed.

Toru ignored this. There was no way he was going to be seen in his glasses. Especially not by Wakatoshi.

“So what do you want to do?” Wakatoshi asked awkwardly.

“Go back to bed,” Toru said, placing the empty cup down and heading back to the bedroom. “Wait, where’s my phone?”

“Kitchen table,” Wakatoshi said. “Want a pair of sweat pants or something?”

“S-sure,” Toru muttered, grabbing his phone off the table and unplugging the charger that Wakatoshi had obviously plugged in for him.

The screen lit up to reveal that he had a screen full of text messages. He squinted, and it wasn’t Iwaizumi’s or Tadashi’s that caught his attention, but one from a name with several pink emoji’s beside it.

“Who the hell is Becki?” Toru said, turning to return to the bedroom and seating himself on the end of the bed.

“Probably the girl that was making you all those fruity drinks. I was half expecting her to try to drug you,” Wakatoshi said.

“And you didn’t try to save me from her?!”

“Eh, you looked like you were having a good time,” Wakatoshi laughed.

“I’m gay!”

“So you can’t have fun with a woman? Dude she was hot!”

“Clearly not hot enough or I might actually remember her.”

“How about that guy you were hanging out with after you ditched Tendou?” Wakatoshi asked, tossing him a pair of grey sweat pants.

“Tadashi? He’s a friend of my old host brother.”

“Ah, friend, got it.”

“Seriously?” Toru asked, pausing as he dropped his jeans around his ankles.

“You guys just looked cozy, that’s all.”

“What do you mean cozy?”

“I walked by the balcony doors and you guys were huddled up outside.”

“Ok slow down,” Toru said, standing up to pull the sweats on. “First of all, he’s a friend, and we were talking, and second of all, are you jealous?”

“No,” Wakatoshi said turning away.

“Because if you want to talk about jealous, how about that busty ginger that was hanging all over you until Tadashi put his arm around me?”

“Let’s drop it,” Wakatoshi said, climbing back onto the bed and positioning the pillow behind him so he could sit up.

“And if I don’t want to drop it?”

“What do you want now, Toru?” He asked, his voice sounding increasingly irritated.

Toru wanted to reply, but the threatening look in Wakatoshi’s eye and a gut feeling told him to shut up. His head throbbed once more, and he decided that now wasn’t the time.

He climbed back into the bed, giving Wakatoshi enough space to stay away if he wanted to, and pulled the blanket up to his chin. He faced the wall and closed his eyes.

It only took about a minute. He could hear Wakatoshi playing with his phone before the bed shifted and a strong arm found its way around his torso. Toru backed up into Wakatoshi’s body and let himself relax, releasing a deep sigh.

Oh how he wanted to say more.

His head continued to pound and he tried to ignore the nausea threatening to take over him. Finally he pulled his sore arm tight against his body and let himself relax into a light sleep, safely wrapped in Wakatoshi’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a companion chapter by the name of 'On a Friday.' It isn't necessary to read, but I feel like it adds to the depth of the chapter as well as the story. Be warned... it is heavy and angsty and maybe not everyone's thing! 
> 
> Please let me know what you thought! Thank you, as always, for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some... ahem, smut, towards the end. I don't pretend for a second to be good at this. You've been warned!

It wasn’t until after practice that Toru finally took a good look at his phone. Becki had been texting him all day and had sent him a grand total of 32 messages, Tadashi had sent him three, and Iwaizumi had sent him 10. It had been a brutal practice, especially since his headache had stuck with him despite the sleep and ibuprofen he’d had beforehand, and his arm continued to ache for no known reason. He just wanted to go home, shower and go to sleep. He’d even declined Wakatoshi’s offer to stay and practice serves.

He headed for the bus stop, first sifting through Tadashi’s messages which thanked him for listening and expressing his gratitude for their friendship. He’d finally asked if Toru had made it home safe.

**Toru: Hey sorry, I haven’t looked at my phone. I made it home fine, hope you did as well. And I’m here anytime you need me ;)**

He looked up from his phone to see his bus approaching, and he jumped into a run, knowing that the stupid thing only came every 45 minutes at this time of day. He really didn’t feel like walking home.

He managed to catch it, and once seated at the back of the bus, he opened Iwaizumi’s messages.

**Iwaizumi: Oikawa wtf**

**Iwaizumi: Are you ok?**

**Iwaizumi: where are you?**

**Iwaizumi: Call me?**

**Iwaizumi: Should I be worried for your safety?**

**Iwaizumi: Alright, I’m going to assume you went to bed. I miss you too…**

**Iwaizumi: Morning – you there?**

**Iwaizumi: I stg if you lost your phone already**

**Iwaizumi: Did something happen?**

**Iwaizumi: I’d appreciate it if you called me when you saw this…**

He scrolled up through Iwaizumi’s messages to find the messages he’d sent him last night while he was drunk, stating that he missed him and hoped he was well.

**Oikawa: Hey sorry, I’m just on the bus home. I’ll call you soon.**

**Iwaizumi: Thank fucking GOD! WTF SHITTYKAWA?!**

**Iwaizumi: If I could hit you right now…**

He closed his phone, ignoring all 37, yes, 37 messages from Becki. He’d received five more in the last ten minutes. He would deal with that little problem later. For now he just wanted to get home and call his best friend. He needed to hear his voice, and he wasn’t even sure why.

The first thing he did when he got home was stand underneath the hot water in the shower until it ran cold. Even after that, he stayed in there. Finally, his legs grew tired and he turned off the tap and climbed out of the tub. He towel dried himself before putting on a clean pair of sweat pants and a sweater as well as the warmest socks he owned. That alone made him feel a bit better. He pushed his glasses up his nose, retrieved his phone and climbed into his sleeping bag.

He sat on the ground and called Iwaizumi.

“What the hell, Oikawa! You send me those fucking messages then you don’t respond for 24 hours!”

“Heyyy Iwa-chan,” he said, the sound of his friend’s voice eliciting a more positive tone that he thought he was capable of right now.

“You sound like shit.”

“Thanks. I’m not feeling too hot,” Toru said honestly. His head was still aching despite all the water he’d consumed today.

“What the fuck happened to you?”

“Um, I went to a party last night.”

“Ah, I see,” Iwaizumi said, seeming to understand completely. “Let me guess, you got wasted out of your mind and ended up getting super emotional. Am I right?”

“Basically. I’m really hungover.”

Iwaizumi just laughed.

“Mean,” Toru said, though without much force behind it.

“Did something else happen?”

“Kind of…”

“Is it the guy you were talking about?” Iwaizumi asked, a hint of something in his voice that Toru couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“Yeah.”

“Care to share?” Iwaizumi’s tone was curious, if not a little bit desperate. Toru felt bad for leaving him hanging so long.

“I’m not sure,” Toru said. “I don’t even really know what to tell.”

“Well are you dating the guy?” Iwaizumi asked. He sounded exasperated but patient all at the same time. It was a look that only Iwaizumi could pull off.

Toru didn’t reply. That was the question, was it not? That was why everything was so damn confusing.

“I don’t think so,” he finally said, cursing himself for sounding so small.

“You don’t think? Ok, so nothing has been established? Are you sleeping with him?”

Again, Toru was quiet.

“What the hell Toru! Are you fucking each other or not?”

“No,” he finally said, this time sounding much louder, and again kicking himself for it. He hated to show Iwaizumi what a mess he was. He knew his friend could always see it regardless, but to put it on display so prominently hurt what little pride he felt he had left. Being in America had already changed him so much. The small, insecure person that only Iwaizumi used to know was now fully on display for everyone to see. And he hated it. What the hell had happened to him?

“But I did sleep with him. We just didn’t have sex.”

“So you slept in the same bed? Did anything else happen.”

“I – ” He hesitated.

“You don’t know, because you were too drunk, right? God Toru, I thought you had more self-respect than this.”

“Please don’t, Hajime,” he said, feeling his voice breaking.

“Toru,” he said softly, “What has gotten into you? And who is this guy to you?”

“He’s my fucking captain!” He was really losing his composure now.

“Really? Ushijima?”

“Why do you know his name?”

“Because I follow you guys on Twitter, I told you that.”

“Oh.”

“Ok, so you guys are seeing each other? Is that how it is?” Again, it sounded weird coming from Iwaizumi.

“I don’t know.”

“Just spit it out, Oikawa. What the heck is going on.”

“Ok, fine. I like him. I like him a lot. He has a drink and he gets flirty and he kisses me like no one has ever kissed me before. But he claims he’s straight and every time I bring up the subject he gets mad at me.”

It was Iwaizumi’s turn to be silent.

“Iwa-chan?”

“Yeah. Sorry. I understand now.”

“I don’t know what to do,” Toru confessed. He didn’t feel like crying anymore, but he felt completely exhausted, like he couldn’t find the words to keep talking. Iwaizumi seemed to be somewhere in the same boat, because they both grew quiet.

“Are you happy?” Iwaizumi asks, sounding almost as if he might be afraid of the answer.

“I’m confused,” Toru replied.

“You’re under a lot of stress, aren’t you?”

“Mhm,” Toru said, as if not verbalizing the whole word, ‘yes’ made it less real. He hated admitting that he wasn’t dong well. Not only was it a shot to his pride, regardless of how damaged it was, but he also hated making Iwaizumi worry.

“I’m ok,” he finally said.

“Right,” Iwaizumi said. Toru detected no sarcasm in his word. In fact, he didn’t detect anything. It was almost as if Iwaizumi hadn’t meant a thing by it, as though he’d simply wanted to fill the silence.

“Iwa-chan?”

“Just look out for yourself, k?”

“Of course,” Toru said obviously.

“Don’t let people take advantage of you. You deserve the best.”

“Geez Iwa-chan, when did you become so sentimental?”

“Shut up, shittykawa. You just worry me. You might be brilliant and smart and talented, but you’re like a four year old when it comes to taking care of yourself.”

“Iwa-chan just called me brilliant and talented, I don’t think I can take anymore,” he said with mock bashfulness. “Are you ok over there? Are you ill perhaps?”

Iwaizumi just sighed heavily. That was how Toru covered up his feelings, and Iwaizumi knew it.

“Don’t worry about me, ok?”

“If only that were possible. I can feel you screwing yourself over across the globe.”

“I’m fine, fine. But I should get some sleep.”

“Alright. Have a good one.”

“Thanks. Sorry for worrying you.”

“It’s fine. Goodnight.”

“Bye.”

Toru hung up the phone and tossed it beside him, laying back against his pillows and staring at the ceiling above his head.

He raised a shaking hand and grasped the right arm of his glasses, carefully folding them and putting them on the ground above his head. He sniffled hard, attempting to clear his nose, but as he swallowed, the lump in his throat threatened to choke him, and he felt a tear run down the left side of his face and pool at the base of his ear.

He couldn’t do this.

* * *

 

“Ok so, let me get this straight. If the front end of the train approaches the tunnel at this speed, the back end can be out before the front end even enters? That makes absolutely no sense.”

“Apparently you can prove it mathematically. But quantum physics never makes sense,” Toru said, twirling his pencil mindlessly in his right hand.

“I can’t wrap my head around this,” Tadashi said, throwing his head back dramatically as he leaned back in his chair, the front legs pulling themselves so high off the ground that Toru was worried he was going to fall.

Toru and Tadashi were seated across from each other at a table in a deserted corridor on the third floor of the library. Tadashi had texted him after his morning practice asking if he wanted to come study after class. Toru had nearly jumped at the offer, ignoring the study part and fully relishing in the fact that he felt like he’d finally made a friend aside from Wakatoshi.

“Where’s Kei?” Toru asked.

“Practice,” he said in an annoyed tone.

“Don’t you guys play on the same team?”

“Yes. Actual practice doesn’t start for 3 hours. He’s there serving and doing who knows what with a couple of other players.”

“You don’t sound enthused,” Toru said, feeling guilty since that was his usual pastime as well.

“Nah, I’m happy for him. He’s really found his love for the game in the last year. It just sucks a bit because we used to be kind of at the same level, now I just don’t feel like he even considers me a comparable player to himself anymore. I mean, rightly so, he’s way better than I am, but it still sucks.”

“Who cares if he’s better than you? He should still be able to play with you if you’re his friend.”

“I just think he’d rather play with his new friends.”

“Want to come practice with me? I have practice later too, but we could go in early and you could hit some spikes with me? What position do you play anyway?”

“Whaa? No way! I could never keep up with you! And I’m a wing spiker, but more typically a pinch server. I don’t play a whole lot. I was only a regular during my last year of high school.”

“What’s to keep up with? I’m a setter and you’re a spiker. You don’t have to do anything special, right? And if you’re a pinch server I bet your serves are good. I’d love to see them!”

“I’d make so many mistakes in front of you! I’d be way too nervous!”

“Eh, you’ll get used to me,” Toru laughed, genuinely wanting to comfort Tadashi. He hated to see how insecure about his game he was. Even though Toru’s world had been flipped nearly upside down in the last month, volleyball was the one thing he still felt good about. If he could share that with Tadashi, maybe it would make both of them feel better.

“Really? You’d play with me?” Tadashi asked, his cheeks glowing red.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

Tadashi’s eyes glowed with excitement.

“Let’s finish a bit more of this assignment and then we can go?” Toru offered.

“Sounds good!”

* * *

 

“Tadashi! You are not a bad spiker by any means!” Toru insisted as Tadashi tossed him a ball, which he expertly set at the perfect height for his new friend. Tadashi promptly smashed it to the ground.

“You make it so easy to spike! Why can’t we have a setter like you on my team?” He whined.

Tadashi was unsure of himself, and his lack of confidence made the extra height in Toru’s toss absolutely essential, giving him that extra split second to confirm what he was going to do with it. Toru didn’t think he’d always need that, but right now it made all the difference to him.

“Do you and your setter ever talk? Have you told him what kind of tosses you want?”

“Well, no,” Tadashi paused as he was picking up another ball from the cart. “But I’m not a regular, so I didn’t think there was much point.”

“Well how are you going to _become_ a regular if you aren’t able to play your best in front of whoever makes those selections?”

“I guess you have a point,” Tadashi said, thinking on it for a second, then tossing another ball for Toru to set.

They went through the entire cart of balls before Tadashi decided he needed water. Toru nodded, sitting down beside the court and picking up his phone.

**Wakatoshi: Hey what are your plans for Sunday?**

**Toru: Uh… practice probably?**

**Wakatoshi: Ok we’re going on a date**

**Toru: Wha????**

**Wakatoshi: I’ll explain later**

**Toru: Um… ok.**

Toru felt his heart rate increase much faster than it had while he and Tadashi had been playing. A date? Like a legit date? Just the two of them? No way… he couldn’t be serious. Maybe he’d won tickets to something and needed someone to go with? Nah he wouldn’t call it a date then. He supposed he’d just have to wait until he saw him at practice.

“Hey, sorry. I went to the bathroom,” Tadashi said, returning to the gym with a towel around his neck. “You must be getting bored. Do you want to hit some serves?”

“I’m not getting bored. I’m a setter; this is what I do. But sure,” Toru said, leaning back against the floor to reach for his duffel bag.

He felt Tadashi’s eyes burning a hole in him while he strapped on his knee brace. He hadn’t been wearing it before since standing there setting didn’t require much impact on his part, but serving was another story. He waited for the inevitable.

“What happened to your knee?” There it was. For some reason, he absolutely hated when people asked. Maybe it was because Iwaizumi had harassed him so badly about taking care of it, or maybe it was just a reminder of what was wrong with him. He wasn’t sure why, but he couldn’t stand it. But Tadashi was a friend, and for some reason that made it a little better.

“I sprained it really badly in high school. It doesn’t like it when I jump,” Toru said, forcing a laugh.

“Damn that sucks.”

“Eh, I’m kind of used to it.”

Tadashi nodded and offered Toru his hand. Toru let himself be dragged to his feet, and the pair collected the balls scattered around the gym. He was kind of surprised that no one else had appeared, granted there were other gyms, but usually someone else was around before practice.

They served until they were both sweating hard, and then they served more. Tadashi’s jump floater serves had Toru mesmerized, and he ended up working on a serve similar to it. It felt good on his body, and it wasn’t so brutal on his knee. He thought it would be good to have in his arsenal for the times he became really exhausted.

Tadashi on the other hand couldn’t get over Toru’s power. “You’re so thin! How do you hit it so hard?!” He’d exclaimed. He’d seen it of course in the game he’d watched, but he hadn’t seen it up close.

So while Toru practiced his jump float serve, Tadashi practice his jump serve, trying to increase the power he put into the movements. Toru insisted it came with practice, but Tadashi eventually grew tired and decided to park on the back line and just watch Toru.

After a short while longer, Toru gave up too and took a seat beside Tadashi.  

“How was the rest of Friday night?” Tadashi asked, referring to the night of the party. “You and Wakatoshi left together, right?”

“Yeah, we just went back to his place and had a few more drinks. Honestly I don’t remember most of it. In fact I don’t even remember a lot of the party after we talked,” Toru laughed.

“Oh really? So you don’t know if anything happened?”

“He assured me it didn’t. I don’t think it did. We slept in his bed though.”

“Whaaaat? That’s a step in the right direction, right?” Tadashi asked brightly, his enthusiasm contagious to Toru.

“I don’t know,” he said, fighting back a grin. “He got kind of moody later.”

“Well you did get a little flirty towards the end of the party,” Tadashi laughed.

“Shit, really?”

“Well we were dancing. You lured a bunch of people into the make shift dance floor, but there were girls there as well so I don’t think anyone suspected anything. I don’t know, maybe it was just the way you were looking at him or whispering things in his ear.”

“Dammit,” Toru said, planting his forehead in the palm of his hand.

“Wakatoshi is an idiot if he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings.”

“What? Why?”

“Because you’re great! I mean look at you! You’re smart and athletic and super good at volleyball. You’re also super pretty – sorry, does that bother you? I know most guys don’t want to be called pretty.”

“No, its flattering. Thank you,” Toru said, again trying to hide his smile. Something about Tadashi’s optimism was completely infectious, and Toru wanted to grab him in a hug and never let go. If he could carry around this positivity with him all the time, he felt like he’d be back to his old self in no time.

A part of Toru wanted to tell Tadashi about the message he’d gotten from Wakatoshi. But then at the same time, what if he was mistaken? What if it meant something completely different? What if it was a freaking typo? In the end, he decided against it.

“Thanks for practicing with me today,” Tadashi said, his face shining bright with obvious appreciation.

“Same to you. It was fun, let’s do it again.”

“Really?”

“Sure, why not?”

“I just thought – ” There it was, his lack of confidence. Toru wanted to know who caused this boy to feel like he wasn’t worth it, and he wanted to crush them. Tadashi was an amazing person, and he deserved to be treated as so.

“Tadashi, I don’t have many friends. You have been so kind to me, don’t ever think that I don’t appreciate and enjoy the time we spend together.”

Tadashi’s expression went from anxious with brows creased and hazel eyes strained one of joy as a shade of red spread across his freckled cheeks. It made Toru grin like a fool.

“Thanks, Toru.”

“Thank _you_ ,” Toru said.

* * *

“A double date?”

“Yes.”

“With girls?”

“Yes.”

“As in, you go with one, I go with the other?”

“Yes.”

“With the girls from the party?”

“Yes. Toru, why is this so difficult to wrap your head around?”

“Ugh!” He groaned loudly, sliding down the locker behind him until he was sitting on the ground. He threw his head back against the locker, hitting it a little too hard and feeling more pain than he probably should have. Maybe it was the concept itself.

“Come on. It’s still a date. This is as close as you’re going to get to going on a date with me.”

He dropped his head back down and shot Wakatoshi the nastiest glare he could muster. But it was far less nasty than he would have liked it to be, mostly because the statement hurt so much.

“You liked Becki, didn’t you? She’s cute!”

“Toshi, I’m gay!” He deadpanned.

“Shhh, be quiet,” he whispers, glancing around the room as if people were going to materialize from the walls.

“GAYYY!” He yelled.

“I’m going to smack you.”

“Go for it,” Toru said stubbornly.

“What the hell is wrong with you right now?”

“I don’t want to go on a date with a girl. And I don’t want you to go either.”

“What the fuck, Toru.”

“Nevermind. I’m going home,” he said, attempting to rise to his feet.

“You’re not going anywhere. Get your ass back out here and hit some serves with me.”

“I already hit a bunch before practice?”

“So?”

“So my knee hurts,” he lied. Well, sort of. It hurt, but not any worse than usual.

Wakatoshi just stared at him, his eyes angry and his brows creased in frustration.

“Whatever. Do what you want,” Wakatoshi said, his voice losing its conviction. He tossed the towel from around his neck onto the bench and left the room, leaving Toru completely alone.

He pulled his knees close to his chest and massaged his temples, trying not to cry. This was getting stupid. He didn’t cry. Ever. But here he was, once again, trying to swallow that stupid lump in his throat like he was allergic to something in this goddamn city.

A part of him did want to keep playing and serving until he couldn’t feel his feelings anymore, but having to be around Wakatoshi right now seemed like the worse prospect. He also thought about going to the gym, but decided he didn’t have the energy.

Instead, he slipped his running shoes on, tossed everything he didn’t need tonight into his locker and headed outside. Of course it was raining; it always rained when he wanted to run outside.

He didn’t let the weather get to him. In fact, he ripped off his jacket and tossed it in his backpack before sliding the pack back on his shoulders. This way even if it did leak through the material his computer would stay dry.

The feeling of the rain on his arms was nice. It was cold at first, but as he picked up his pace and his temperature increased, it did well to cool him down. The twenty minute walk turned out to only be about a ten minute run, and he seriously considered doing another lap.

Finally he decided he needed to just shower and lie down, and headed inside.

He was sitting on his sleeping bag with his laptop opened working on his calculus homework when his phone vibrated in the pocket of his hoody. He’d showered and dressed in only shorts and a hoodie, hood pulled up and glasses pushed up his nose.

**Wakatoshi: You better be icing that knee**

He thought about not replying, simply tossing his phone onto the floor. For some reason he couldn’t bring himself to do it though.

**Toru: Yes mom**

He left if at that, still feeling salty from their argument earlier. He turned his attention back to his assignment, and was half way through reading the next question when his phone buzzed again.

“Ughh,” he growled audibly.

**Wakatoshi: What are you doing?**

**Toru: Homework**

He tossed the phone again, but it vibrated again before it hit the ground.

**Wakatoshi: I’m downstairs**

He let his laptop slide off his lap and onto the ground, his attention now fully on his phone.

**Toru: Why?**

**Wakaotshi: There’s this store near your place that sells great area rugs, I was looking for one with magnolias….**

**Wakatoshi: Why do you think? Are you going to let me in?**

Toru jumped out of his sleeping bag and dashed into the bathroom to abandon his glasses. He had one contact lens in when the buzzer went off. He quickly slipped the other in and managed to get to the phone by the fifth ring. He blinked hard against the stinging in his left eye; his hands must have been dirty.

“Hello?”

“Hi.”

“Um, what are you doing here?”

“You already asked me that.”

“Right. The rugs. Ok, hang on.”

Toru buzzed him in, then stood there, back against the wall wondering what the hell he was doing. He could have just ignored his phone. Or pretended he wasn’t home or in the shower or something. Yet he wanted to see him, even after their argument in the locker room.

The knock on the door came way too soon, and he really hadn’t had a chance to collect himself properly. He knew he looked flustered, but he opened the door anyway.

“Hey,” Wakatoshi said sheepishly.

“What the hell is that?” Toru demanded, pointing at the bouquet of flowers in Wakatoshi’s hand. “Do you have another stop to make?”

“No,” Wakatoshi said, his cheeks glowing red. “It’s for you.”

In his outstretched hand was prettiest little bouquet of flowers Toru had ever seen. Light pink roses surrounded by accents of baby’s breath and delicate ferns.

“I also brought you wine,” he said. “I’m sorry for being a dick earlier.”

“Shit,” Toru whispered under his breath.

“Are you going to let me in?” Wakatoshi asked.

“Yeah, sorry,” Toru said, stepping aside to let him in. He took the flowers from Wakatoshi’s hand and stared at them, feeling like he might cry.

“You alright?”

“Yeah… just… I’ve never gotten flowers before.”

“Well you deserve them. Again, I’m sorry,” he said.

Toru put the flowers down on the counter and jumped into Wakatoshi’s warms, sniffling to hold back his tears.

“I can’t believe you brought wine as well. I don’t think I can even look at that stuff after last week,” Toru laughed, letting himself down from Wakatoshi’s shoulders. “Also I’ve never had pink wine before.”

“It’s called Rosé. It’s kind of fruity so I thought you might like it.”

“Thanks, Toshi. For everything.”

“Sorry again for today. You don’t have to come on the date if you don’t want to.”

He stared down at the flowers, his hand resting on the pink petals. “Are you into this girl?”

“Honestly? I don’t think so. I’d way rather have you in my arms. This is going to sound really bad, but I feel like I need to go out with her just to keep appearances up. Know what I mean?”

“If you mean about how bad that sounds, yeah, I got you.”

“But do you understand?” Wakatoshi asked, his eye’s pleading with Toru.

“Not really. Like I’ve said before. I never tried to hide. But if it’s that important to you then sure.”

“What if I said… I liked you more. And I wanted to see you, but in order to do so, I need to keep people thinking that I’m into women. Then what would you say about this date we were invited on?”

Toru looked up into Waktoshi’s eyes. Was he for real? Was he admitting that he was into men? More specifically, into Toru?

“So dating, what does this entail? And where do you draw the line with the girls?”

“I don’t know, I just need to be seen with them. I don’t plan on kissing them or anything.”

“And me?”

“Oh believe me, I plan on kissing you.”

“You just can’t be seen with me.”

“That sounds bad, but yeah. Would you rather have the kissing or the being seen with side of things?”

“That’s a twisted question.”

“So will you go on the date?”

“I’ll think about it. I’d still rather not, but I won’t protest if you’re going I suppose. But no kissing, right?”

“Right.”

Toru sighed. “Alright.”

“You’re the best,” Wakatoshi said, reaching for Toru, who promptly dodged.

“I’m aware,” he said sassily.

“Playing hard to get?”

“There’s no playing.”

“But I love games,” Wakatoshi said, making a move so quickly and trapping Toru in his arms. “I’m also very good at them.” He smirked, pressing his lips to Toru’s forehead.

“Ok ok you win,” Toru said, suppressing a grin, wrapping his arms around Wakatoshi’s torso.

“So um, you don’t have a bed and you don’t have a couch…” Wakatoshi stated.

“They’re supposed to come tomorrow. They were supposed to be here last week but they screwed up. I have a floor. And a sleeping bag. That is all.”

“Maybe I should blow up that mattress you’ve been neglecting.”

“Air mattresses are cold,” Toru protested.

“All the more reason,” Wakatoshi said, his hand grasping Toru’s head gently, pulling him forward and kissing him beside the eye. “You deal with the wine, I’ll get the mattress.”

“Wow, what’s gotten into you tonight?”

Wakatoshi looked like he was going to come back with something clever, but apparently thought better of it.

Five minutes later Toru was sitting on the floor, legs crossed with a glass of pink wine in his hand watching Wakatoshi pump up the mattress.

“I’m going to laugh when I wake up in the morning and that thing is completely deflated,” Toru said, sipping his wine. The flavor was perfect. Crisp like white, but flavourful like red. He’d found his new favourite.

“Come on, you’re not _that_ fat,” Wakatoshi said, laboring as he continued to pump.

Toru’s heart skipped a beat at the word, but he managed to recover. It was he who had said it, after all.

“You alright?” Wakatoshi asked.

“What?”

“You’ve got that worried look on your face. The one where your forehead gets all wrinkly and your eyebrows look sad.”

“Sad?” Toru asked, forcing a laugh.

“Yeah.”

“I’m good,” he said, forcing the worried expression from his face and the thought from his mind. He could worry about that later. He sipped some more of his wine.

Wakatoshi continued pumping, and Toru sat awkwardly beside him, until he thought of something he’d seen today.

“Hey! Did you see NASA’s announcement today? They found a bunch of planets that are the same size as earth!”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, they’re orbiting a star 40 light years from earth!”

“So what does that mean?”

“It means there could be life on them! That means aliens probably exist!”

Wakatoshi stopped what he was doing to stare at Toru. “You’re way too excited about this.”

“I love space! I want to study astronomy!” The wine was hitting him.

“What are you going to do with that?”

“I don’t know… become an astronaut!”

Wakatoshi laughed. “Isn’t that every five year old’s dream?”

“I guess so. I don’t know, but a PhD in astrophysics would be kind of cool?”

“That sounds difficult.”

“Don’t think I’m smart enough?” Toru teased.

“Are you?”

“Of course! I got a scholarship half way across the world!”

“Yeah, for volleyball…”

“You underestimate me, Toshi,” Toru said, forcing himself to maintain a smile. This was being dragged down far too quickly for his liking. He wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to maintain his optimism.

“You’re probably right,” Wakatoshi said as Toru tossed back the rest of his wine. “Damn, when did you learn to drink so fast?”

“I learned from a pro,” Toru said, picking up Wakatoshi’s untouched glass from beside him, replacing it with his empty one. “That’s for having no faith in me.”

Wakatoshi capped the now fully inflated mattress and stood up to refill the empty glass sitting beside him. Toru spread out his sleeping bag on the mattress and sat down.

Wakatoshi sat down on the mattress beside him, sending Toru bouncing backwards, glad he’d put the glass down. “Wow, how much do you weight?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Wakatoshi teased, setting his own glass down and climbing on top of Toru.

His breath caught in his throat as Wakatoshi pushed him flat onto his back, climbing over top of his abdomen, legs kneeling on either side of Toru’s hips. He pinned his arms above his head, eliciting a soft moan from Toru. “Wha – ”

“Shhh,” Wakatoshi hushed, then roughly diving for Toru’s lips.

Toru had been effectively immobilized, and all he could do was attempt to keep up with Wakatoshi’s rough treatment of his mouth. He loved it.

Seconds later, Wakatoshi pinned both Toru’s hands above his head with one hand, then moved his right hand to the hem of Toru’s shirt, his tender exploration of his abdomen not matching the aggressiveness of the kiss. Toru drank it in; it was toxic and passionate all at the same time, and he was convinced he hadn’t breathed since Wakatoshi climbed on top of him.

But then Wakatoshi began dragging his fingers across Toru’s stomach, and he immediately felt nervous. He _hated_ his stomach with every fiber of his being.

“You ok?” Wakatoshi asked, obviously catching Toru’s moment of hesitation.

“Yeah,” he said, wrestling one of his hands out of Wakatoshi’s grasp and moving Wakatoshi’s hand lower. Wakatoshi’s eyes lit up, and Toru moved his own hand to the bulge in Wakatoshi’s shorts. “Is this ok?” He asked

Wakatoshi looked a bit nervous, but Toru slid his hand gently up his shaft, making him moan in pleasure. “Do you want me to stop?” He asked, knowing how manipulative he was being. He couldn’t help it, and Wakatoshi _needed_ to see what he was missing.

“No,” Wakatoshi breathed, shifting himself into a better position so Toru could comfortably stroke him. He moved his hands from Toru’s waistline, one pulling his head closer into a kiss, the other running his fingers along Toru’s collarbone. It was fine; this way Toru could focus on pleasing Wakatoshi. He wanted to show him the light that he so desperately wanted to shut out. But the words he’d used earlier that evening showed that maybe he was coming around. Toru needed to make sure.

Toru slipped his hand into Wakatoshi’s shorts. He was already wet. He grasped Wakatoshi’s cock, realizing just how large it was when it got hard. He wasn’t sure why he was surprised, but it was still a little intimidating.

“Wait,” Wakatoshi whispered.

Toru stopped, pulling his hands off him and raising them in the air as if he were under arrest.

“You ok?”

“Yeah,” Wakatoshi said. He picked up his wine glass and drained in several quick sips.

Ah, so that’s what it was about. Toru fought to keep the frown off his face. He didn’t need to try for long though, as Wakatoshi was grabbing him again, this time pulling Toru on top of him and ripping his shirt off. Toru shivered and sucked his stomach in, raising the hem of Wakatoshi’s shirt as well. His stomach was so perfect and muscular, all oblique lines perfectly placed with a well-groomed trail of hair disappearing teasingly into his shorts. Toru felt like a child in comparison. He couldn’t grow much in the way of body hair, and it didn’t seem to matter what he did, he couldn’t get the muscles in his stomach to show.

He kissed Wakatoshi, feeling his mood improve slightly as his hand found its way back down the other man’s shorts. He handled him, taking pride in the fact that he could focus both on the task as well as kissing, and soon Wakatoshi was panting with pleasure.

“Do you trust me?” Toru asked, pulling back slightly, if only to take a decent breath. He too was breathing hard.

“What? Yeah?” Wakatoshi said nervously.

Toru made up his mind and scooted down Wakatoshi’s body, kissing his navel and gently pulling his shorts and boxers far enough down that his leaking cock bounced out, begging Toru for more. It was beautiful, perfectly cut and standing at attention.

“Wha – ?”

Toru took him in his mouth and he moaned out in surprise as though he’d never received a blowjob before. That couldn’t be the case, but Toru liked to think he was better than most women. They didn’t know how it felt.

Seconds later Wakatoshi’s hands were in Toru’s hair and pulling roughly as he cried out. It took no time at all for him to tense incredibly, the seed hitting the back of Toru’s throat. He took it gratefully, swallowing it all quickly. He tasted different than anyone he’d ever tasted before. Sweet, but slightly soured, likely due to the amount of alcohol Wakatoshi drank. It was like slightly soiled sweet cream. Toru could taste how delicious it should be.

“Holy shit,” Wakatoshi said, breathing hard as Toru pulled off of him, gently wiping his lips as he moved back up the mattress to lie beside him, his own physical needs forgotten.

“What the hell was that?” Wakatoshi asked, his eyes wide.

Toru hesitated, he couldn’t tell if he was very pleased or very angry. “Uhhh…”

“That was amazing,” he said, his eyes somehow growing even wider as he stared at Toru, looking shocked. “And you swallowed it all.”

Toru grinned sheepishly attempting to hide his sigh of relief. “I’m glad you thought so.”

“Wow,” Wakatoshi said, his arms falling behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling. The wheels were obviously spinning as Wakatoshi took in what had just happened.

Toru grinned and dragged himself up off the mattress. He grabbed his shirt and both wine glasses and headed to the kitchen to refill them. He swelled with pride, excited beyond measure that he’d managed to not only get Wakatoshi off, but that he’d managed to get him in a position where it was possible to even try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologize for any typos! I'm sure there are bound to be some.  
> I hope you enjoyed it! Comments/Kudos are GREATLY appreciated!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it's been so long since I updated this. I'm so sorry!  
> Anyway, thank you so much to all of you who have supported this story. Your kudos and comments mean the world to me. 
> 
> This chapter is for you, Shatteredepiphany. For all your love, support, chats, comments, stories... thank you. I can't say it enough. I don't know where I'd be without you.

When Toru returned to the floor, Wakatoshi was getting up. “Alright if I shower?” He asked. He stood up, not really waiting for a response.

“Uh, sure,” Toru said as the other disappeared into the bathroom.

 _Geez, the least he could have done was invite me_ , Toru thought to himself, sipping on his now full glass of wine.

He pulled the sleeping bag around himself, feeling cold all of a sudden. Dammit, did he screw up? He pulled his knees close, wracking his brain for an answer. Wakatoshi had said it was amazing, he couldn’t have been lying. Nobody gets upset after a blowjob do they?

_Shit!_

Ten long, painful and agonizing minutes later, Wakatoshi returned from the bathroom.

“Um, you ok?” He asked.

Toru looked up from where he was sitting with his head buried in his knees. He knew his eyes were red. Wakatoshi stood there in only his shorts with a towel around his neck. Toru refused to look at his half naked body, though he knew it would probably make him feel better. 

“Yeah, sorry,” Toru said. “Are you?”

“Yeah, sorry for running off like that.”

“Is that something you normally do?” Toru asked, reaching to pick up his wine but then realizing it was empty. He could definitely feel the buzz, but it still wasn’t enough.

“I don’t know. Showing up at a friend’s house and getting a blowjob isn’t something I make a habit of…” he began. “Not to say that it wasn’t nice.”

“Nice… got it,” Toru said, the wine fueling his sass.

“Look, I meant everything I said earlier. I like you, and I think I want that to go somewhere. It’s just… it’s a big step for me ok? I just need some time to clear my head.”

“Fine,” Toru said a bit too quickly.

Toru watched as Wakatoshi sighed, then offered his hand. “Come here.”

Toru looked up, then glanced away stubbornly. Why was he being like this? Was it the wine? Or was he just annoyed. Then again, he’d never really had this type of response after giving a blowjob.

Toru nearly lost his balance completely, quickly setting a hand down on the ground as Wakatoshi stepped roughly on the mattress, jarring Toru. “What the hell!”

“Get up,” Wakatoshi said, now leaning down and grabbing Toru by both elbows.

“I’m sorry, ok? I like you… isn’t that enough for now?”

Toru slowly turned to face him. His eyes seemed sincere, almost desperate.

“You promise you won’t kiss any girls?” Toru asked, pouting. 

“I promise I won’t kiss any girls,” he repeated.

“Ok,” Toru sighed, wrapping his arms around Wakatoshi’s torso. He was pulled tight against the other man’s body and he dug his head into the area between his neck and shoulder, enjoying the warmth of his bare skin.

“I’m going to head home. I’ll see you at practice in the morning, ok?”

“Ok,” Toru said, attempting to hide the disappointment in his voice. At least he could take his damn contacts out. They were irritating the hell out of his eyes.

Toru was caught off guard as Wakatoshi came in for a quick kiss, and then not a second later he was gone, pulling his shirt on and heading for the door. “Have a good night.”

“You too,” Toru said. He didn’t look up. He didn’t flinch when the door closed. He didn’t move.

He couldn’t. He was overridden with fear and anxiety. His head was ready to explode. Could he trust him? Did he believe those words? He wanted to, but at the same time he knew he was setting himself up for potentially the worst heartbreak imaginable. Or was it inevitable?

Here was a man that Toru was head over heels for. But this man wanted the world to think he was straight. He wouldn’t be seen in public with him, he wouldn’t go on real dates with him, hell he wouldn’t even hold his hand in an empty locker room. What kind of future did that bode? What if they dated in secret for years, would he come around? Toru wanted to say yes, but what if he didn’t?

He could hardly get Wakatoshi to admit his feelings. It had taken this long, despite their physical relationship. And what about tonight? He’d given him an orgasm and he’d run off. What kind of person did that? What kind of boyfriend material was he? What about husband material? Is this what he wanted?

But despite all of the looming threats, he wanted it. He wanted Wakatoshi. He didn’t date without the potential for it to go somewhere, and he knew he was setting himself up, but he couldn’t bring himself to linger on it. He still wanted him. He knew how ridiculous and stupid he was being, but he couldn’t help it. No one had ever looked at him like that, held him so tenderly.

Toru felt a tear creep into his eye, and he managed to shake his paralysis, jumping on the spot and running to the bathroom.

He knelt on the ground and shoved a well practiced two fingers down his throat, ceremoniously bringing up all of the wine he’d consumed as well as the snack he’d had earlier. Step one: lose that stupid belly. It was time to really commit.

Despite the number of times he’d done this, it never felt any less disgusting, especially when he was dehydrated. It came up slowly and painfully, and if the portions were large, which for some reason they were right now, it came out through his nose as well.

He coughed loudly, grabbing a wad of tissues to wipe his chin and his nose. He shuddered in disgust, torn at the image of the syrupy white chunks mixed with the pink of the wine and bile.

He shook his head, feeling the headache already coming on, and flushed the toilet. He did what he could to blow his nose, tasting the awful taste which was extra acidic tonight thanks to the wine.

He could do this. This was his element.

What was stupid was how long he’d _been_ doing this, and the results that still were not there. What the hell?

He went for another round, just to make sure his stomach was empty. He dry-heaved into the bowl, feeling the sweat drench his body and the headache radiating through his skull. This was the price. And he would willingly pay it.

Once finished, he dragged himself up off the floor, still coughing. His chest and throat hurting more than usual for whatever reason, like he’d tried to expel a golf ball from his stomach.

He rinsed his mouth with water from the tap, washed his hands and pulled out his contact lenses once more. He grabbed his glasses and headed back to the living room.

Glancing around the room, he picked up Wakatoshi’s full wine glass and downed it. It burned his raw throat painfully, making him wince while he drank, but he kept drinking.

Once it was empty, he headed for the kitchen. He threw open the fridge and pulled out the pack of pork he’d bought and tossed it into the garbage. Peanut butter, a small block of cheese and a bottle of mayonnaise followed. He didn’t need that shit in his life. It was only pushing him farther from his goal.

He angrily threw on his running shoes, grabbed his keys and took off down the stairs and out of the building into the pouring rain.

* * *

 

Toru woke the next morning to the ringing of his buzzer.

He thrashed around on the hard ground, throwing his sweater-blanket off of himself and stumbling to get to his feet. He’d stubbornly refused to get near his air mattress or sleeping bag last night after he’d come back freezing cold from his run. Instead he consumed the rest of the wine and passed out on his living room floor. He was hating himself for it now, his stomach and head both pounding as he made his way clumsily to the phone.

What the hell, he thought to himself, the furniture was supposed to arrive tonight, not this morning.

“Hello,” he said groggily, running his eye with his free hand.

“Delivery for Toru Oikawa.”

That still sounded so weird to him.

“Sure, come in,” he said, hitting the button on the buzzer and hanging up, stumbling back to the place he’d slept in search of his glasses and pants. He realized as he just about trampled his glasses that leaving them on the floor was probably not the smartest idea.

He’d barely gotten his first leg through his sweat pants when the knock on the door came. “Hang on,” he said, struggling more than he should have with his pants.

He finally made it to the door to find a man holding only a medium sized box.

“That doesn’t look like a bed,” he paused.

“Uhhh, no, I can’t say it does. Are you Toru?”

“Yeah, thanks,” he said, taking the box. It felt heavy for its size, and his curiosity was killing him as he couldn’t glance at the label before the man shoved a small computer device at him.

“Sign here.”

He set the box down, only then catching that the characters on it were not in English. Someone from home must have sent him something. But who?

He signed his name and handed the miniature computer back to the man.

Once the door was closed, he got a better look at the box and was absolutely thrilled to see his best friend’s name at the top in the return address section.

“Iwa-chan!” He cried out loud, flipping all of the lights on in the room, grabbing a pair of scissors and tearing the box apart.

On top of several neatly wrapped packages he found an envelope with his name written sloppily across it. He knew that handwriting better than he knew his own. He actually felt like he could cry right now.

He ripped it open to find more of the familiar handwriting, and his eyes literally filled with tears.

 

 

> _Hey Shittykawa,_
> 
> _So my mom was eavesdropping on me one night while I was talking to you, don’t worry, she didn’t hear anything important, but she said it sounded like you were upset. I told her you were having some trouble adjusting, so she insisted that we put this care package together for you. Sorry it took me so long to get it to you. I probably should have thought of it earlier. I’m sure you’ll know what’s from me and what’s from my mom. Anyway, I hope this puts a smile on your face (cheesy, sorry I know, but I figured you probably needed it). I was thinking about coming out to visit you in the spring if that’s ok with you? My school gives me two weeks off for reading break, so maybe we can set something up. It’s weird not having you around and hearing your obnoxious voice all the time. It almost makes me regret all those times I told you to shut up… almost but not quite. Well, I’ll talk to you on the phone I’m sure. Hope you’re well._
> 
> _Best,_
> 
> _Hajime._

Tears were pouring down his face as he began opening the different coloured packages. Obviously his mom had done the wrapping. The Iwaizumi he knew would never have the patience.

He pulled out several packages of his favourite instant noodles, definitely from Iwa-chan, a bottle of his favourite shampoo, obviously from his mother who had been the one to get him hooked on it, more snacks from Iwaizumi, a candle from his mother, and stationary also from his mother. Next he unwrapped a purple alien plushie that was definitely from Iwaizumi. Few people knew his favourite colour and even fewer knew about his obsession with aliens.

He felt his heart lurch as he pulled the plushie close and hugged it like a child. He didn’t even care. Iwa-chan had thought to buy him this, and it made him miss him so much. The box contained more snacks and teas that were probably picked out by both him and his mom together. The last item was a square shaped box at the bottom and was wrapped in soft pale bluish silver. But the item it was wrapped in was not paper, it was a scarf. It was thin shear intricately woven and embroidered and it was the most beautiful thing Toru had ever seen. He immediately wrapped it around his neck and felt instantly warmer. Out of the scarf fell what appeared to be a book. But upon closer observation, Toru found it was an album. There was a note at the front.

This was my mom’s idea. I told her it would make you cry, but she insisted it was a good idea. Don’t bawl too hard, you know you’re an ugly crier ;)

He flipped the first page and found a photo of himself and Iwaizumi as children in their bug catching attire. Shorts and boots with long sleeved shirts, mosquito net hats they’d made, catching nets slung over their shoulder and a small aquarium to keep them in. They thought they were so damn cool.

The next photo was the two of them playing volleyball as 6 year olds.

A fresh wave of tears washed over him and he continued flipping through the years of his life with Iwaizumi, but it brought him as much comfort as pain. It meant so much that they’d done this for him, but he missed his home now, more than ever.

The last photo in the album was the two of them together at graduation. They’d both decided to fly solo and go together as friends. In Toru’s head, they were more than that, just for that night. He knew it was ridiculous, but he’d had an amazing time anyway, just shooting the shit with Iwaizumi like they’d always done.

He noted that there were empty pages at the end, and he took that as an intentional omen that their story wasn’t finished yet. They were both still young, and even though they no longer lived in the same city, their paths would cross again, and then again after that.

He sniffled on the spot, then glanced around the room to look for his phone. When he couldn’t find it, he went and dug under his pillow that was on the floor next to his mess of clothing he’d slept under. It was there.

He picked up it and typed a message to Iwaizumi.

**Oikawa: Thank you so much for the care package, Iwa-chan! And Iwa-chan’s Mom! It made me so happy and I miss you so much!**

**Iwaizumi: About time it got there.**

**Iwaizumi: How hard did you cry?**

He sent of a crying emoji and left it at that. He needed to pull himself together before practice, and at this rate he was going to be late.

He wiped the tears from his eyes before heading into the bathroom, washing his face and brushing his teeth. His clothing was still a gigantic mess in his suitcase on the floor, and he could hardly wait for his furniture to arrive tonight. He was ready to make this place feel like home, even if the city didn’t quite feel like it yet.

He stared into the kitchen once he was fully dressed. Normally he’d grab a piece of toast or some cereal, or on a really bad day he’d at least take a protein bar.

No, nothing today. He remembered the commitment he’d made last night. He wanted to feel happy in his own skin, and right now he didn’t.

He thought about coffee, but decided against it. He could get some later if he really needed it.

With that, he grabbed his bag and his jacket and headed out the door.

Practice was brutal. As usual. But it was more brutal because Toru was exhausted, hung-over and starving himself. He knew it was stupid and probably detrimental to his athletic health, but his mental health was winning right now, and he was determined. It was something he should be able to control, and so here he was, controlling it.

After practice he’d changed into his jeans, sweater and jacket, neatly tying his new scarf around his neck, smiling as he did it, and headed for the coffee shop next to the gym. It was necessary. And black coffee was hardly going to be damaging to his new diet.

“Toru,” a voice came from behind.

He turned to find Wakatoshi following him. He too was dressed in jeans and a wool jacket. It was weird being in normal clothing, but as they didn’t have practice tonight, it didn’t make sense to stay in their training clothes.

“Wakatoshi, hey,” he said. Things were still a little awkward between them. They hadn’t talked much during practice, and with Wakatoshi’s departure last night, Toru wasn’t sure where his head was. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” he said, his eyes daring to Toru’s scarf as he caught up to him. “Where’d that come from?” The look on his face said he didn’t like it.

“My friend from home sent it. I got it this morning.” Toru said, his words expressing his fondness for it.

“It looks kind of gay,” he said it so casually that he might as well have been stating that it was raining.

“Toshi,” Toru said, “I _am_ gay.” _And so are you_ , he wanted to say.

“Shhhh,” Wakatoshi hushed him, his eyes darting around.

Toru rolled his eyes, he was almost getting used to this.

“You should maybe watch how you dress, hey? Your pants are kind of tight too.”

Toru sighed. “Did you have a reason for talking to me? Or was it just to criticize my outfit?” He asked, annoyed.

“What? No. I mean yes. Are you going for coffee?”

“I am, but are you sure you want to be seen with me? Especially in a coffee shop?” Toru asked, narrowing his eyes, testing Wakatoshi.

This idea hasn’t seem to have struck Wakatoshi, and Toru watched his expression change from smug to concerned to one of dismissal. He obviously wasn’t _that_ bothered by it. Or he simply decided that they were teammates and it was normal for them to be seen together.

Toru did notice that Wakatoshi didn’t buy him coffee, nor did he even approach the counter with Toru like he often did. Whatever, he refused to let it get him down.

“People are staring at you,” Wakatoshi said as they collected their coffees from the far counter.

“Must be because I’m so damn attractive,” Toru smirked, feeling a shadow of his former self peeking through, though he was really just doing it to get to Wakatoshi now. He wasn’t sure what prompted this defiance. Lack of sleep perhaps? Or simply lack of judgment? Normally he would never say something like this that might push Wakatoshi away.

“What the hell has gotten into you?” Wakatoshi asked, now adding cream to his coffee.

Toru ignored him, capped his black coffee and headed towards the door. This forced Wakatoshi to rush to prepare his own, which he refused to drink black, in order to catch up with him.

“What the heck? You’re acting strange today,” Wakatoshi commented again.

“Am I?” Toru asked.

Wakatoshi didn’t reply, he simply pretended to sip his coffee. Toru knew he couldn’t drink it that hot.

“What are you doing tonight?” Toru asked.

“I’ve got dinner at my parents’ place out of town. Why?”

“Oh, how long has this been planned?” He was genuinely interested now. He’d never heard about Wakatoshi’s parents.

“Like three months?” Wakatoshi said, almost questioningly.

“Oh really? What’s the occasion?”

“No occasion. Just family dinner. They happen sometimes.”

“Are you an only child?”

“I have a sister. Why are you so interested in this all of a sudden?”

“Just curious. You don’t talk about your family.”

“Neither do you,” Wakatoshi countered.

“Touché.”

“So where do they live?” Toru continued.

“Upstate,” Wakatoshi replied.

“How are you getting there?”

“My Dad is picking me up.”

“How long are you staying?”

Wakatoshi just glared back at him.

* * *

That evening, Toru stopped at the store and bought a twelve pack of beer and a large bottle of rum on his way home. He’d made use of his fake ID for the first time, since he hadn’t needed it to get into the pub that first night.

He got home and quickly jumped in the shower, dressed himself and tidied up his place.

With Wakatoshi out of town, he’d decided to invite Tadashi over to help him set up his new furniture which was due to arrive anytime now. Tadashi’s team practices had been cancelled tonight as well, apparently there was something going on in the gym that evening, but they managed to sneak in some practice after class. Tadashi had sheepishly asked if he could invite Kei, and Toru told him that if he wanted to help, he definitely could.

Tadashi had laughed and told him that he wasn’t going to tell Kei why they were coming over. Toru had found this amusing and agreed to get drinks for the three of them, and told them both to sleep over. Kei was apparently playing in a recreational volleyball league, but would come after that. Toru wondered what kind of reaction they’d get out of him when he realized what he’d been roped into. At least Toru was feeding them alcohol in return.

Toru thought about pulling his burning contacts out of his eyes; they’d both seen him in his glasses before, but eventually decided against it. It wasn’t the impression he wanted to give off. Even though they were just friends, his glasses made him feel insecure and there was definitely enough of that floating around lately. 

He actually found himself a bit giddy when the buzzer rang and Tadashi’s excited voice came across the other end.

“Come on up!” He hit the button and stood next to the opened door.

He could hear Tadashi running up the stairs and he laughed as the other emerged panting.

“Did you run here?” He laughed.

“Maybe,” Tadashi said, red faced.

“How far away do you live?” Toru asked, stepping aside to let Tadashi in then closing the door behind him. He watched as his friend kicked off his shoes and pulled his jacket off.

“Um, well it took me about 20 minutes to run here. I have no idea how fast I run so I can’t calculate that for you,” he laughed. “Where’s your new stuff?” He asked, glancing around the room.

“It’s not here yet. Any time now,” Toru said. “I’d give you a grand tour, but well, this is it,” he laughed.

“It’s a studio! Awesome!” He sounded genuinely excited about it too. Toru just grinned at him, feeding off of his excitement. “Where have you been sleeping?”

“In that sleeping bag,” Toru said, pointing to the rolled up green mass in the corner of the room.

“On the ground?!”

“I had an air mattress, I just never used it,” he grinned sheepishly.

“Wow,” he said, looking like he wanted to say more.

“Any idea how Kei’s family is doing?” He wanted to ask before Kei arrives.

“Kei said his mom was still upset, but that was a while ago so I’m not sure now. Hopefully he doesn’t tell his mom how you’ve been living or she’ll probably lose her mind.”

“Yeah, let’s not,” Toru said. “Do you want a drink?”

“Sure,” Tadashi said. “What do you have?”

“Uhhh beer and Rum.”

“That doesn’t sound like a smart mix…” Tadashi trailed off. “Wait wait wait… what’s that saying? Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear! Let’s have some rum!”

“Oh my god, are you serious right now?” Toru laughed.

“Yep! Shots! Now!” Tadashi demanded.

“Ok, ok,” Toru laughed. He pulled the Rum out of the cupboard and two drinking glasses. “I don’t own shot glasses though.”

“No problem,” Tadashi said, tearing the cap off the bottle. “Oh man, spiced rum, my favorite!”

“I don’t think I’ve ever had it. It looked good though.”

“So wait, how did you get this stuff??” Tadashi asked, putting the pieces together to realize that Toru wasn’t old enough to buy liquor.

“Don’t ask and I won’t have to lie to you,” Toru laughed.

“Fine. Can you get me stuff?”

“Perhaps,” Toru teased.

“I’m gonna hit you up so much!” Tadashi grinned.

Toru could hardly believe how filled with energy and happiness one person could be. He was just bubbling, sizzling, ready to explode with it and damn was it contagious. He realized his cheeks hurt already from smiling and Tadashi had only been there five minutes.

“Cheers,” Tadashi said, handing Toru a glass with what looked like way more than a single shot of rum.

“Oh boy,” Toru said.

“Oh boy is right, bottoms up buddy!”

He tilted his glass to Tadashi’s and knocked the drink back.

“How come you didn’t get Wakatoshi to help you with is?” Tadashi asked.

“What, you don’t want to?” He asked playfully. He _had_ planned on enlisting Wakatoshi to help before finding out he was busy this evening, but he felt like saying that would make Tadashi feel like he was the second option.

“No I don’t mind at all,” he smiled softly. “Another drink?”

“Man what’s with you Americans and your drinking habits?” Toru joked as he poured two more shots. These ones were slightly smaller, but Tadashi didn’t seem to notice.

They drank until they were tipsy, and finally the buzzer rang and Toru’s furniture arrived. He was expecting for the deliverymen to have to struggle to get it all upstairs, but it came in three thin boxes plus a mattress. Toru stared at the boxes leaning against his wall wondering how they could possibly equate to a bed, desk and dresser.

“Um, we should have maybe not started drinking before building,” Toru said, looking for the tab to open the first box.

“Did anyone tell you they were coming in three million pieces?”

“Nope.”

“Well I guess it’s a good thing Kei will be sober when he gets here. Someone is going to have to read us the instructions,” Tadashi laughed.

They managed to get the first box open, the bed. They sat in the middle of Toru’s living space surrounded by small parts and hardware, very few pieces looking like they belonged in a bed frame.

“Why can’t I just put the mattress on the floor? Why do I need a frame?” Toru asked, picking up a U-shaped piece of wood and staring at it with his eyebrows raised much higher than should be physically possible.

“I don’t know. Maybe because people get to a point where they can’t bend down that far? Or get up if they’re that close to the ground?” Tadashi offered, frantically flipping pages of the instruction manual. “What the hell kind of language is this?”

“I like to think I’m not quite there yet…” Toru laughed.

“Mmmm,” he hummed, “well I suppose you can store things under it? I feel like the original purpose might have had something to do with keeping rats out of your bed…”

“Ok well I would not be surprised if there were rats in this building,” Toru said, glancing around looking disgusted. “Ok, let’s build this thing!”

“I can’t find the English instructions,” Tadashi said, still flipping pages.

“How about Japanese,” he offered, taking the book from him. “Look, I can read that.”

“Great, I’ll just watch,” Tadashi said. “Want another drink?”

“That seems like a bad idea.”

“Perfect,” Tadashi said, pulling himself up off the floor.

“So, speaking of Wakatoshi, how are things there?” Tadashi handed him another drink, sipping on his own.

“Who was speaking of Wakatoshi?” Toru asked.

“Does it matter? Talk.”

Toru could feel his face blushing. It was like Tadashi could see right through him, as soon as the name came up he became tense.

“Something happened…” Tadashi said, his eyes lighting up, but appearing peculiar at the same time.

“What?” Toru played stupid. He knew it was pointless.

“What happened?!?!”

“Why do you think something happened?!” He demanded.

“Look at you! You’re all nervous and fidgety,” Tadashi said, pointing to where Toru was attempting to rip the skin off of his index finger. He quickly set his hands into fists, but the battle was lost.

“Maybe I’m just a fidgety person,” Toru suggested.

“You are not. Tell me!”

“Fine,” Toru said, taking a large drink from his cup in hopes that it would give him courage. “Not a word to anyone, got it?”

“Of course,” Tadashi said, crossing his heart with his left hand.

Toru tipped his glass back and finished his drink. The liquid courage wasn’t working, and all he could think about was how pissed off Wakatoshi would be if he knew Toru was sharing this story. Whatever, it wasn’t like he hadn’t mentioned things to Tadashi before.

“I may have sucked him off when he was here last night.” Toru glanced away, feeling his face flush.

“WHAT?!”

Toru laughed. He couldn’t help it.

“How? How did that come about?”

“I’m not sure… we were drinking wine then we were on the air mattress together. It just kind of happened,” Toru admitted.

“And?”

“And what?”

“Well did he like it?”

“Who doesn’t like getting sucked off?” Toru questioned rhetorically.

“You know what I mean.”

“I don’t know, he seemed to be into it.”

“But…”

It was that obvious that there was a but, apparently. “He kind of stormed out after. Not in an angry way, more in an uncomfortable way I guess.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’m not sure. He showered and then just kind of left.”

“What a jerk!” Tadashi shouted.

“Shhhh, it’s ok. He kind of said some stuff before though…”

“Stuff?”

“He said he wants… he wants there to be an ‘us.’”

“Toru, English, please.”

“I think he wants us to be together, but like, not out in the open.”

“So you guys are dating, but you’re in the closet?”

“Nooo no do not group me in that closet category. Been there, done that, no more.”

“But you guys aren’t openly dating.”

“No. He doesn’t want people to know he’s… gay.”

Tadashi sighed. “Are you ok with that?”

“I don’t’ know. For now I guess.”

“But the longer you let him get away with that – ”

“I know, Yama,” Tour said. “I know. Trust me.”

“Toru…” Tadashi said, his hand on Toru’s shoulder.

“I think it’s a step in the right direction,” Tour said, forcing a bit of a smile.

“As long as you’re ok with it,” Tadashi said, smiling as well.

“What about Tsukki?” Toru asked.

“Eh, same old.”

“Are _you_ ok with that?”

“Do I have a choice?” Tadashi laughed. “You need another drink, my friend.”

Toru was about to reply, but ultimately decided against it. It wasn’t his place and it probably wouldn’t make him feel very good right now. Instead he handed Tadashi his glass and pulled the instruction booklet toward him.

By the time Kei arrived, both Tadashi and Toru were sufficiently drunk, and they had two pieces together on the ground and were laughing profusely about how little they’d accomplished. Kei let himself into the apartment and just stood there, staring at them like they were from a different planet.

“Tsukki! You made it!” Tadashi wailed.

“Are you drunk?” Kei asked as Tadashi threw himself at him. He caught him effortlessly with one arm as though he was well practiced, and Toru couldn’t help but think that there was more affection there than Tadashi realized.

“Toru got us drinks! Do you want one?” Tadashi said excitedly.

“Where did Toru get drinks?” Kei asked, eyeing Toru.

“Does it matter?” Tadashi pouted.

Kei glanced from Toru to Tadashi as the latter’s grin perked back up, offering Kei his own drink.

“Kei,” Toru said just as he was about to take his first sip. He turned and made eye contact with him. “If you’re drinking, you’re not driving. Car keys,” he said holding out his hand.

“Yes, mom,” Kei said, tossing his keys at Toru. “I’m not an idiot, thanks.”

Toru was about to retort, but remembered that Kei wasn’t really being a jerk, that was just his personality.

“Tsukki quit being so salty,” Tadashi whined. Kei just glared at him, taking a large drink.

Kei looked like he’s going to reply, but then turned his attention back to his drink. He took another sip, his face twisting in disgust. “Ok, what are we building here?”

“A bed,” Toru said, holding up the two pieces of wood they’d managed to put together.

“Looks like you’ve made some good progress,” Kei said sarcastically.

Tadashi laughed loudly, and Kei glared at him. “We need an adult,” Tadashi whined. “Tsukki help usss.”

“Why did you guys drink so much so quickly if you had so much to do? Whose brilliant idea was this?”

Toru and Tadashi exchanged guilty looks, then simultaneously pointed to each other. They both burst into laugher and Kei just rolled his eyes at them.

“Toru, your phone is ringing,” Kei said, pointing to the spot where his phone was vibrating against the ground.

“Oh crap, thanks,” Toru said, picking it up. It was Wakatoshi. Odd… he was supposed to be at his family’s dinner. Toru hadn’t been expecting to hear from him. “Uh, I’ll be right back.”

Kei nodded, and Tadashi looked concerned.

Toru slipped his feet into Tadashi’s shoes and stepped out into the hall.

“Hello?”

“Hey, you’re there.” Wakatoshi sounded a bit frantic. “I’ve been texting you.”

“Oh shit, sorry. I’m building my bed. I haven’t been looking at my phone.” Toru said, trying to straighten out his voice and hide his intoxication. He cleared his throat; it was thick with phlegm from laughing so much.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, I’m good. What’s up? How’s dinner?” He asked.

“It’s fine. We’re done. I’m staying here tonight though, Dad’s too drunk to drive me back.”

“Crap, I’m sorry. You ok?”

“Yeah, just been thinking about you. I’m sorry for being a jerk to you this morning.”

“What?” Toru asked, confused.

“About your scarf and your jeans.”

“Oh, right. That.” He thought back to this morning.

“How mad are you?” Wakatoshi asked, a note of vulnerability in his voice. A part of Toru wanted to make him work for it, but at the same time he felt like he was over it.

“I’m not mad. It’s fine,” Toru said. He kept his voice flat and as emotionless as possible.

“Why do you put up with me?”

“What?” Was he hearing that right.

“I’m not good for you, Toru.”

“Why are you saying things like this?” Toru asked, walking further down the hall. He opened the door to the stairs and climbed half way up the stairwell and sat.

“I’ve just been… thinking. You deserve someone better than me. I don’t know if I can be what you want.”

“Toshi, have you been drinking.”

“A bit.”

“Ok well so have I. But I say this with 100% certainty. You’re already what I want. Sure you need some time to come to terms with what you – or we, rather, are, but I like you a lot. I’ve liked you since the day I met you. And I want to try. Even if I have to let you go out on dates and be seen with girls.”

That last sentence hurt, but there was no question in his mind. It was true. He wanted him so badly.

“If I liked you as much as I think you do, and cared like I think I do, I’d let you go. I’d tell you that you can do so much better than me. But I’ve been trying to psych myself up all night and I can’t do it.”

“Stop beating yourself up,” Toru said. His heart was racing now. He felt like Wakatoshi was slipping away. He couldn’t lose him. Not now. “Please just be patient with yourself. If I can wait, so can you. I want this. I want us. I want you.”

“I want you too,” he whispered. He almost sounded like he was crying. But Wakatoshi didn’t cry.

“Then at least give us a chance. Don’t doom us from the start. Please?”

“Are you sure?”

“Completely sure. Are you ok?”

“Yeah, it’s just been kind of a rough night.”

“Because of your family?”

“Yeah.”

“Want to talk?”

“Not right now. Maybe when I get home.”

“Ok. Well I almost have a bed, so you can come here when you get home tomorrow.”

“Yeah, ok. Thanks. I’ll let you get back to building.”

“Call me if you need me, ok?”

“Ok.”

“See you tomorrow.”

“See you.”

Toru hung up the phone, but didn’t stand up.

What the heck was that about? He’d never heard Wakatoshi sound so… raw and emotional before. Just what exactly was going on at his parents’ house? He’d never head him talk about his family before today. He wondered if it was a sensitive subject.

It was no secret to Toru that Wakatoshi had some demons lurking inside. He was the type that ran from his feelings, like he was denying that they existed. His homophobia had to have a source as well. His desire to appear a certain way to others was also a bit of a mystery, not that it was abnormal for anyone really. But Wakatoshi seemed to take it to a different extreme. He wondered what his parents had to do with it all. What had they been like when he was growing up?

Toru had a feeling that if Wakatoshi actually decided to talk, he would likely get more answers than he had questions for.

He finally stood up and headed back to his apartment.

Tadashi and Kei were sitting closer together than when he left them, and they were grinning together trying to align to pieces of the bed. They both looked up as he entered the room.

“Everything ok?” Tadashi asked, a look of concern replacing the giggling one from seconds before. Toru felt guilty, watching his expression fall.

“Yeah, everything is fine,” he said.

He could feel Tadashi’s eyes linger on him for a second as he picked up his cup and refilled it, taking a deep breath then returning to the floor.

“Was that Wakatoshi?” Kei asked, not looking up from the board he was sticking with plugs.

Toru glanced at Tadashi, who shot back with a slightly concerned look.

They both muttered “no,” in unison.

That got Kei’s attention. He looked up, from Tadashi to Toru and laughed.

“Wow you guys,” he said, “make it more obvious.”

“Shit,” Tadashi swore uncharacteristically.

It was kind of peculiar to see Kei laugh. It was a sight that Toru hadn’t seen much in the past. It felt weird knowing that they’d gone from involuntary ‘brothers’ to classmates to actual friends. He wondered if his time with Kei’s parents would have been different if they’d gotten along back then.

But there was no use dwelling on it. Now he had to deal with a sassily grinning blonde, and that expression made him think more and more that Tadashi actually had a case in his crush.

“What do you want me to say?” Toru deadpanned, tossing his drink back. It was going down way to easy. He wasn’t sure that this was a good sign. He remembered how he felt the last time he got completely trashed.

“You don’t have to say anything. I watched him cook soup for you when you were sick,” Kei said. He sounded sincere, but there was a slight smirk on his face that kept it light.

“Tsukki,” Tadashi whined.

The situation was obvious to all three of them, but it was also tense. Toru wasn’t sure what to say, and Tadashi looked like he wanted to slap his best friend.

Toru began to speak, “It’s not a – ”

But Kei cut Toru off.

“Look. I know what’s going on here. You didn’t tell me anything. Your secret is safe, I’m not going to say anything to anyone, so don’t worry about it.” Kei didn’t look up from his task until he was finished his statement. He made eye contact with Toru, whose expression obviously gave everything away.

“Oh,” Toru said, feeling dumb. He remained silent for a minute, contemplating what to say next. “Is it that obvious?”

“No,” Kei said. “Don’t worry so much. Why do you care anyway?” He asked, pausing with the allen key in his hand. “Actually, don’t answer that.”

Toru watched him. He knew Kei was smart, almost deviously so. It was near frustrating, but in a way it was almost good right now. It kept him from having to dispel his secret, and it also kept him from having to admit things he’d rather not say out loud. He feared Kei’s next question would be more along the lines of something Iwaizumi would ask, but he was spared as Tadashi stood up, empty glass in hand.

“Guys, we are _far_ too sober for this party,” he picked up all three empty glasses and set them on the table. “More drinks, let’s go,” he said, nearly knocking one of the glasses over.

“ _We_? I wouldn’t call you sober right now,” Kei laughed. “You’re redder than Toru, and he has an excuse to have the Asian flush.”

“Racist!” Toru shouted, seeing his opportunity to lighten the mood.

“AM NOT!” Kei countered.

“SHUT UP!” Tadashi intervened. “Ok, we need more glasses,” he put in, glancing around behind him.

“Cupboard on the right, but you’re washing them,” Toru said.

“Deal,” Tadashi replied, pulling three more down, then another three.

“Holy crap, what are you planning?”

“Well you need about 9 shots to catch up,” Tadashi said, “but I’m thinking we just line some shots up and do it?” He suggested. “That’s a thing, right?”

Kei laughed.

Tadashi looked like he was going to sulk, so Toru took the bullet for him and picked up the bottle, filling each glass with what looked about one shot. He couldn’t believe he was doing this again so soon. Oh well at least he wasn’t going to fall asleep in bed with a guy and wake up not knowing what had happened…

Well, actually he probably would. But it would be very different this time. He didn’t need to worry about Tadashi or Kei.

“Ok, three in a row, let’s do this!” Tadashi squealed.

“You’re on!” Toru replied.

Kei said nothing, but picked up his first glass.

“Say something Tsukki!” Tadashi demanded.

He glanced at both of them, his usual scowl on his face. “Cheers?” He said, almost questioningly before tilting the glass up and drinking the shot.

He followed with the next two, not even grimacing.

Tadashi and Toru stared at him wide eyed, jaws hanging to the ground.

“What?” He asked.

“Seriously? Did you just take those shots like they were nothing?” Toru asked, his first shot still in his hand.

“Um… yes?” He raised an eyebrow at Toru.

“MORE!” Tadashi yelled, picking up the bottle and nearly dropping it.

“Easy there!” Toru exclaimed, grabbing the bottle from him.

“Thanks Toru,” he grinned sheepishly.

“Alright Kei,” Toru began.

“Call him Tsukki,” Tadashi insisted.

“Alright Tsukki,” he began again.

“Don’t call me that!” Kei whined.

“Alright whoever you are,” he said, pouring three more shots. “You just showed us that you are a heavyweight. Please proceed to wow us further.”

“Fine,” Kei said, subsequently tossing all three shots back.

“TSUKKI! You’re going to get alcohol poisoning!!” Tadashi wailed.

“Tadashi, be quiet and drink your shots,” Kei said. “Toru you too.”

“Oy just because you can drink doesn’t mean you get to order me around,” he said, throwing back his first. “You’re in my house,” he said, throwing back the second, “and drinking my alcohol.” He finished the third, only for the delayed, chemical taste to hit him. His face twisted in disgust.

Kei laughed. “But really, who is the child here?”

“Hey, _son!_ ” Toru began, “who is the one that can buy liquor?!”

“Toru, you’re getting sassy,” Tadashi said, almost sounding worried.

“I am not getting sassy,” he said, filling another two glasses and handing one to Kei. Tadashi still had two more to go. “I’m getting drunk.” He downed the next shot.

Now he could really feel the alcohol. He could feel himself swaying on the spot, and he closed his eyes momentarily, enjoying the almost floating feeling. There was no way he was building a bed like this.

“Tsukki, are you at least tipsy yet?” Tadashi asked, he now had his third shot in his hand and he’d seated himself on the chair at the table. He looked much like Toru felt.

“We’ll say buzzed,” Kei said, moving back to the ground where his part of the project was.

“How did you get that kind of tolerance?” Toru asked, moving to the ground as well.

“Practice?” Kei replied.

“Kei Tsukishima!” Toru said loudly, gesturing across from him.

“Um, yes?” He asked, eyeing Toru.

“You mean to tell me that you, the son of Teri Tsukishima, are a seasoned drinker?!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He questions casually, screwing a couple of boards together now.

“You go to church!”

Kei just laughed.

“Yama you ok over there?”

“All good!” Tadashi said, giving him a thumbs up.

“We should get some food,” Kei said, glancing up at his friend.

“Mm yeah, I only thought of the booze,” Toru said precariously. He wasn’t about to admit that there was a reason there was no food in the house.

“Pizza?” Tadashi asked from the table, slamming down the glass from his last shot. “I think I need food.”

“Hey those shots were _your_ idea!”

“Whose alcohol?”

“Don’t even!”

“Pizza, Yama, now!”

“Ok ok, what do you guys want?” He asked, pulling his phone from his pocket.

“You know what I eat,” Kei said, not looking up.

“Toru?”

“Oh, I actually ate before you guys came over. I’ll just pick at whatever you guys get. But don’t order anything special for me.” He said, hoping the lie would suffice. They really had no reason to be suspicious, right?

But even so, he could feel both sets of eyes on him. Maybe he was paranoid, but he felt that Kei was too smart for his own good, and Tadashi knew him well enough now to pick up on things easily.

He could eat one piece, right?

It was the first time he wished the studio was bigger. They’d surely hear him if he threw up. But then on the other hand, they were drinking a lot. He could pin it on that.

The thought made him more comfortable, knowing that if he did need to eat, he had an outlet. Maybe it would be ok to indulge if he was just going to throw it up. No, no he would only eat it if he felt like they were becoming too suspicious. He’d committed to this. He couldn’t give up now.

Why was his mind reeling so hard all of a sudden? A couple of minutes ago he felt like he could fly. He needed another drink.

“You guys want to switch to beers?” Toru asked, “Or polish off the rum first?”

“I need food,” Tadashi whined. “They said twenty minutes. I can’t waaaiiitt that long.”

“No more drinks for you until the food gets here, Yama,” Kei said. “But I’ll stick with rum.”

Toru continued to drink until he couldn’t think straight anymore. He knew he was going to hate himself for it, but he needed the release right now. His mind started swirling on him every chance it got, so he kept himself as drunk as possible.

After they’d eaten and drank some more, they decided to call it a night. Kei called a taxi for he and Tadashi, but only after profusely confirming over and over again that Toru was ok being left alone.

The bed was built, the dresser was half way there, he’d eaten two pieces of pizza, and he wanted nothing more than to be left alone. He knew he couldn’t stay drunk forever. He was going to have to face his demons, and he decided he’d much rather do that alone.

He sat on the floor, a drink in his hand while Kei continued to work on the dresser. Tadashi was asleep with his head in Kei’s lap, and Toru sat swirling his drink, staring at the toilet through the bathroom doorway. It was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought! 
> 
> I've got my tumblr up and running... sort of. Don't judge me for my super basic profile plz. Anyway, I'd love to hear from you so come say hi! 
> 
> http://superiortechnology.tumblr.com/


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WAHHHH This took WAY too long to update!! I SWEAR I DIDN'T FORGET ABOUT IT!!! I honestly think about this fic every day. For whatever reason, this chapter took so long and I had a REALLY hard time with it. Hopefully you enjoy it anyway...  
> The next update shouldn't be too far off! It's plotted, it just needs to be written!

When Toru awoke the next morning, he didn’t feel quite as awful as he’d expected. This was a plus as he had practice at 10am, and missing it was not an option.

He figured he likely didn’t feel as bad as he could have because he’d thrown up most of the alcohol, then tried to make himself a dinner out of water. He knew it wasn’t healthy, but maybe this time it wasn’t the worst thing he could have done.

It felt strange to climb off a bed rather than dragging himself off the ground. There was something comforting about it though. The place was slowly starting to feel more like home. He’d need to get some things for his walls and maybe some nicer curtains, but as he glanced around the blurry room, he felt better than he had in awhile.

His throat still hurt, and more than usual. Probably the outcome of so much throwing up over the last twenty four hours. He didn’t care. He felt like he might be seeing some of the results. When he looked in the mirror after putting his contacts in, he thought his face looked thinner. He might have been crazy, but maybe, just maybe this was working.

He got to the gym a bit early, and he was about to head inside when he spotted Wakatoshi standing by the side of the building. He started to walk toward him, but stopped when he realized something wasn’t right. He was dressed in jeans and his team jacket and he was smoking.

He never smoked aside from after their wins.

Toru stared, puzzled, rooted to the spot. He didn’t know if he should approach him or not. There was something about his posture that seemed off. He couldn’t exactly put his finger on it, but it made him anxious.

Finally he decided to go to him, just as Wakatoshi stamped out his cigarette and turned around, spotting Toru.

Toru waved, and Wakatoshi waved back.

“Hey,” Toru said as they approached each other.

“Morning,” Wakatoshi mumbled. He popped what appeared to be a breath mint into his mouth, but there was no way he could hide that smell. Toru decided not to ask.

“When did you get back?” He asked. He wanted to hug him. He looked so distressed. His face looked heavy and he had dark circles under his eyes. He clearly hadn’t shaved either.

“Like 10 minutes ago. My dad just dropped me off here.”

“How was the night?”

“Don’t ask,” Wakaotshi said. “Come on, let’s go warm up.”

Toru didn’t say a word, he just followed Wakatoshi into the building and down the stairs into the locker room. He could feel the tension in his own shoulders. What the hell had happened to him last night?

Hopefully the practice would help them both.

 

It didn’t. Well, at least it didn’t help Toru. He knew it was his own fault, but he had zero energy, zero stamina, and zero power. He was forced into a team lunch part way through the day, and despite the fact that he didn’t eat much, it helped. That was how he knew for sure that he was doing it to himself. On the other hand, he had a feeling he was doing more. He could feel a sore throat coming on, and the thought of food was a little bit nauseating.

The second half of practice was a bit better, likely because of the food. His knee however continued to protest in a huge way. He knew he was in bad shape, but he continued to push himself, just like he always did. He was grateful for the new brace as it seemed to keep the joint from simply collapsing, but it didn’t help with the pain, and what he really needed right now was a water break so he could sneak off to the ‘bathroom’ and load up on painkillers.

By the time practice ended, neither he nor Wakatoshi had the energy to stick around after. It was unlike both of them, but no one said anything.

Even with the painkillers Toru could feel his knee as he walked home. It wasn’t good and he knew it. Wakatoshi could tell too the minute they walked out of the gym.

“I’m going home to change, then I’ll come back to your place if that’s ok?”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

“Are you ok to walk home? You’re limping pretty badly,” Wakatoshi said, glancing down at Toru’s legs.

“I’m ok. Besides, what are you going to do, carry me home?”

“I could,” he teased, a hint of a smile making its way across his face.

“No you couldn’t. You’re as exhausted as I am.”

“Well, I could call you a cab then,” Wakatoshi said.

“I’m ok. I’ll see you back at my place,” Toru said.

He just missed his bus. There was no way he was running for it.

In the end, he decided to walk. The next bus wasn’t for forty minutes and Wakatoshi would likely beat him to his place if he waited. He needed a shower, among other things. He took it slow, but it still hurt. It made him wonder if he was going to have to skip practice tomorrow. He was so not mentally prepared to take time off right now. He needed the exercise, not to mention the distraction.

_This better be gone by tomorrow_ , he thought to himself.

The stairs might have been the worst part. He knew they would be too, as soon as he stuck his key into the front door and pulled the overly heavy piece of glass and metal toward himself he remembered their existence, and he groaned inwardly, once again cursing the building designer for not installing an elevator.

He grabbed onto the railing and managed to limp up the first half flight of stairs, but shit did it ever hurt. He forced himself to hop up the next flight, and he found himself sweating once again by the time he made it to his door. But what hurt more than the pain itself was knowing that it was worse than it had been in a long time. It scared him.

He swung the door closed behind him and reached to pull off his shoes. This time his knee made it clear it wasn’t taking anymore, and it buckled beneath him as he tried to remove his left shoe. He fell back against the door and slid down until his butt hit the ground. He gingerly stretched his bad leg out and let his forehead fall against his left knee.

Fuck…

He let himself sit there for a few minutes, waiting for the throbbing to pass, wondering what the hell he was going to do. At least tomorrow was Sunday and he _could_ take the day off if he needed to. But even then, this didn’t feel like it was going away.

When he finally did peel himself up off the ground, he dragged himself into the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he automatically looked away. He pulled his shirt off, staring at his stomach from above and frowned to himself. Not that he could have gotten out of it with his teammates around, but he definitely hadn’t needed that lunch today.

He knelt down with some difficulty, eventually electing to sit on the ground beside the toilet rather than kneel, and poked at the back of his throat. His body was so accustomed to this now it hardly took any effort as he regurgitated what was left of his lunch.

Tears escaped the corners of his eyes and his throat burned once again. He coughed and retched and dry heaved until he couldn’t any longer, then leaned back against the bathtub, wiping the moisture from his eyes.

It hurt, and his body hated him, but he felt instantly better. Why was his mind so at war with his body?

Finally he dragged his body into the shower, but even that turned out to be more of a bath as he sat on the ground and cleaned himself, not having the energy to stand. He washed his hair and forced himself to his feet to rinse off, finally limping out of the shower and into a soft dry towel. He honestly felt like he could curl up on his new bed and pass out. In fact, he knew he could.

A part of him wanted to text Wakatoshi and tell him not to come, but the thought of that wasn’t appealing either. He wanted to see him, and he wanted to talk to him about his night. He knew it hadn’t been good. He never smoked for no reason, so to see that worried him. There was also the fact that their ‘double date’ was tomorrow night, and as he was going to have to share him then, he wasn’t willing to give up tonight even if it meant was just going to pass out with his head in his lap. He smiled at that idea and ventured back out to find some clothes.

He settled on a pair of grey tapered sweatpants and fitted white t-shirt that clung nicely to his form, then pulling on a pair of warm socks.

He limped over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of beer, then reached for the cupboard above the fridge, realizing how counterproductive it was it have put his painkillers up so high.

He pulled the small basket down and shook the two bottles he had. One bottle was a prescription dose that he’d saved from the last time he’d seen his doctor in Japan. He only took them when it was really bad. The other was a wholesale sized bottle of extra strength over the counter pills. He typically stuck to those, but even now both bottles were low. He made a mental note to restock as he popped a few pills in his mouth and washed them down with beer.

He leaned against the counter and looked around the room, brushing his hair out of his eyes. It really was getting too long. The empty pizza boxes were still on the table and several dirty glasses were sitting around his sink. His bed was built, but the dresser was still on the ground in pieces and his desk was still neatly packed into the box.

He sighed heavily, his throat burning as he took another sip of his drink. The food had felt so wrong going down today, and yet he could still stomach alcohol no problem. He knew how messed up it was, but he chose not to linger on it.

His eyes were burning as well, and he contemplated putting his glasses on in place of his contacts, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Tonight needed to be at least a little bit special, right? Given what was coming tomorrow.

He headed to the bathroom and blow dried his hair, struggling with the length and eventually decided to simply pin up his bangs with the hair clips he hadn’t used in so long. Hopefully Wakatoshi wouldn’t think it was too ‘gay.’ He really didn’t feel like having _that_ kind of conversation with him tonight.

Partially satisfied, he headed back to the mess in the other room. He gathered up the glasses around the kitchen and took them to the sink, filling it with hot soapy water and shifting his weight to his good leg. He thought about how infrequently he did dishes, realizing it was due to the amount he actually ate. Dishes were something he’d hated back home, and living with his family there were always plenty to be done. For now, he counted it as a positive of his lifestyle change.

Not long after he’d finished drying the dishes, the buzzer rang and he quickly let Wakatoshi in. He arrived at the door wearing nearly a reflection of Toru’s clothing, except his was much baggier. It looked better on him, and it also made Toru feel petite in comparison. He liked it.

He was carrying two bags in either of his hands, one contained an obvious case of beer, the other was filled with Styrofoam take out boxes.

“You started without me,” Wakatoshi commented, nodding at Toru’s bottle on the counter.

“Looks like you brought the means to catch up,” Toru replied.

Wakatoshi grinned, dropping both bags on the table as he kicked his converse off.

Toru tipped his bottle back, emptying the remaining liquid and dropping the bottle down on the counter. Wakatoshi handed him another; he took it and removed the cap. He could already feel the effects of the alcohol having not eaten a whole lot today.

“Did you eat?” Wakatoshi asked, as if to mock him, Toru thought to himself.

“Yeah,” he lied, “I ate the leftover pizza.” The thought of food was still unappealing, and not just mentally; he physically felt like he might throw up if he tried to eat. His throat was still a bit sore and he could feel it each time he sipped his drink.

He thought it sounded convincing enough.

“Mm,” Wakatoshi hummed, taking a long sip from his own beer. Hey eyed Toru a second longer than normal, Toru quickly looking away, hoping he didn’t look too suspicious. He wasn’t a good liar. “Well I picked up Chinese food if you want some.”

“Thanks,” Toru replied casually, taking another drink from his beer. His legs were starting to tingle now, and he could feel some of the tension leaving his shoulders.

“How’s the knee?” Wakatoshi asked, pulling a plate out of the cupboard as though he lived there. The idea wasn’t entirely unappealing to Toru.

“It’s ok.”

Another lie. But this time it was almost true. The painkillers and alcohol were kicking in, and as he didn’t have his weight on it currently, it didn’t feel too bad.

“You should let me have a look at it hey?”

It was then that Toru was remind that Wakatoshi was an Athletic therapy student, and an advanced one at that. “Yeah, yeah ok.”

He was still a bit hesitant. There was a reason he hadn’t been to a doctor or anything. He didn’t want to be told that he needed to stop playing, and wasn’t prepared to follow those orders should they be prescribed to him. If it was Wakatoshi however, he couldn’t exactly just go behind his back.

“Well go take a seat on the bed,” Wakatoshi said, gesturing to the other side of the room.

“Don’t you want to eat first?”

“It’s fine. I’m not that hungry.”

Toru eyed him. He was more than likely lying; he was always hungry. Wakatoshi simply took another large gulp of his beer and stood up.  Toru did the same, trying to hide his limp as he made his way across the room. He was nervous. Was Wakatoshi really going to be able to tell how bad it was just by looking at it?

It turned out he wasn’t just going to look though. He poked and prodded and bent and twisted and instructed Toru to do several different things, some which hurt and some which didn’t.

“You said you sprained it back in high school? As in you injured the ligaments?” Wakatoshi asked, still bending Toru’s knee in a strange side motion that went against what should probably be possible. It made the joint look weak and loose.

“Something like that. I had to take some time off.”

“So you don’t really know. How long has it been sore like this?”

“Uhhh how sore?” Toru asked hesitantly.

“Any kind of sore.”

“Honestly? Since high school.”

“You never let it fully recover? Did you do any rehab?”

“I did some PT. I wasn’t about to stop playing for months at a time.”

“Well you’d need an MRI to be sure, but I think you’ve got some kind of ligament damage if the pain as persisted that long. If you weren’t my teammate and essential to the success of said team, it would be my professional opinion to take some time off.”

“Not happening.”

“I know. You’re too stubborn.”

“Wow, I’m stubborn? You just told me you’d tell me that if I _wasn’t_ your teammate! What’s more important to you? My health or your victory??” The beer was definitely getting to him now. He wasn’t sure if he was serious or joking at this point.

“ _Our_ victory,” Wakatoshi corrected. “And maybe you should ask yourself that question. What am I going to do? Lock you out of the gym?”

Toru grinned, then reached for his drink.

“Alright, so _Doctor,_ what do you suggest I do?”

Wakatoshi straightened up and headed back around to the kitchen. He pulled an ice pack out of the freezer and tossed it at Toru before picking up something else from a drawer. “Rest, ice, compression, elevation,” he said, returning seconds later with a towel to wrap the ice in.

“Wow, I thought you were a professional. I could have told you that much.”

“Oh yeah? Then why weren’t you already doing it?”

“I have been!” More lies. “I thought you were going to offer me some magical solution to make the pain go away,” he teased.

“I am,” he said, picking up his beer bottle, “cheers.”

Toru laughed and took a sip of his own drink.

He found himself more than a little touched when Wakatoshi piled up a stack of pillows and blankets under his right leg, then rested the ice pack on top and crawled onto the bed beside him. He was brought back to the day that Wakatoshi had taken care of him while he was sick.

“Feel ok?” He asked.

“Yeah. I took some pain meds earlier. Don’t worry.”

Wakatoshi attempted a sideways smirk, but mostly failed, a gesture that warmed Toru’s heart a little. He was actually worried about him.

“You should eat,” he suggested.

“Yeah,” Wakatoshi hummed. “Ready for another drink?”

“Yeah,” Toru said, finishing his second bottle.

Wakatoshi returned with two more bottles of beer, this time of a different brand, and handed one to Toru. He also had a plate and the bag of Chinese takeout in hand, and he settled himself on the bed beside Toru, crossing his legs under himself.

Toru tried the new beer and was surprised with how much he liked it.

“What is this?” He asked, pulling the bottle back to get a better look at it.

“Like that? I decided not to completely cheap out tonight. It’s from a local Craft brewery not too far from here.” He loaded some of the food onto the plate as he spoke, and Toru found himself wrinkling his nose at it. When did he become so appalled by the sight of food?

“Are you not into Chinese food?” Wakatoshi asked, looking slightly puzzled.

Toru immediately straightened his face. “The Chinese food I know doesn’t quite look like that…” he mumbled, knowing that American Chinese food, like their Japanese food, wasn’t close to legit. It was a good cover.

“Ok, fair enough,” Wakatoshi said, eating a bit of what looked to be some kind of chicken. “It tastes good though, want to try some?” He asked, offering a fork full of whatever the meat was.

“I’m ok,” Toru replied, trying not to let his face twist in disgust.

“Alright. So, what’s with the hair?” Wakatoshi asked.

Toru felt his breath catch in his throat. It had been going so well, was he really going to call him on his hair _now_?

“It’s getting long. It was in my eyes,” Toru said defensively. “Does it bother you?”

Wakatoshi studied him, glancing all around his head, taking in his appearance as Toru tried not to breathe. He could feel the lump swelling in the back of his throat. He didn’t think he could handle if Wakatoshi said anything negative to him right now. He thought he might just burst out in tears.

“No,” Wakatoshi finally replied after way too long. He put down his fork. “It’s cute,” He said, a slight grin tracing its way across his lips. He reached out and tucked a stray strand of hair behind Toru’s ear. “You’re really pretty, you know that?”

Toru felt himself blush. He’d been told that before, but definitely not outside of Japan.

“Is that um, a good thing?” He questioned, wondering how exactly he should be taking it from Wakatoshi.

“Do you like hearing it?”

“Yes,” Toru admitted, thinking maybe the drinks on an empty stomach were making the words come too fast.

“Then it’s a good thing,” Wakatoshi said, grinning.

It was more sincere than Toru had seen him. There was something unguarded about the way he was acting, talking. It was strange, but at the same time he found himself enjoying it too much to really question it. He sipped on his beer again, letting the warmth spread through him that was not entirely due to the alcohol… anymore.

“Do you want to stay over?” Toru asked, taking another sip to save him from having to continue talking.

“Perhaps,” Wakatoshi said, “but I have an early appointment tomorrow morning. I don’t want to drag you out of bed that early. This doesn’t seem like the kind of neighborhood where you should leave your door unlocked.”

“You can take my extra set of keys,” he said, realizing what he was saying only after the words were out of his mouth. His mind processed what he’d said, but he found he didn’t regret it all that much.

“Are you offering me a key to your apartment?” Wakatoshi smirked as he said it.

“I mean, it wasn’t really my intention, but yeah, I kind of like that idea.”

“Well I am here quite frequently. Maybe I should leave a toothbrush,” he teased.

Toru could smell the alcohol on him now, which was strange given that he was also drinking. He wondered if Wakatoshi had been drinking before arriving. He hadn’t kissed him since he’d been there, and he realized he wasn’t happy about that.

The words, ‘are we dating?’ almost slipped out of his mouth, but he bit his tongue in time, washing the words down with a hefty gulp of beer that burned his already raw throat. Labels complicated things, and Wakatoshi didn’t like to talk.

Toru changed gears, leaning forward toward Wakatoshi, giving him the opportunity to back off if he wanted, and met his lips. Wakatoshi returned the kiss, tilting his head slightly to accommodate Toru as though it was a practiced skill. It was as though they had kissed a million times before. It just felt so natural as their tongues found their way into each other, dancing a routine that felt too familiar to be any kind of uncharted territory.

Wakatoshi tasted of beer and tobacco, and Toru almost asked him if he’d been smoking. In the end he decided not to. It wasn’t his business. Wakatoshi could do what he wanted. Instead he furthered the kiss, wrapping his arm around Wakatoshi’s neck and pulling him closer. The other came closer, hovering over top of Toru and deepening the kiss.

It felt so relaxed and calm; no urgency or need to get anywhere, just casual, peaceful, perfect.

Toru had no idea how much time had passed, but when Wakatoshi finally pulled back, he collapsed back against the bed, breathing heavily. Toru was turned on, and he could tell that Wakatoshi was too, but a huge part of him just wanted to cuddle the other man. He didn’t want to push or do anything that might ruin this moment.

So he didn’t. He simply curled into Wakatoshi, wrapping his right arm around his torso and letting the ice fall off his knee. Wakatoshi held him tight, providing a sense of warmth and security that Toru wasn’t sure he’d ever felt before.

If only that feeling could last…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to Elisa for endlessly inspiring me, to AC for keeping me motivated, and to CJ for helping with this update and keeping me going when I can't function. I love you all and this wouldn't be possible without you. 
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking with me <3
> 
> Come find me on [Tumblr](http://superiortechnology.tumblr.com)  
> Also if you haven't already checked out [Nobodycaresabout](https://nobodycaresabout.tumblr.com/)  
> do it! She's done some amazing art for Gravity!!!


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